Joy #24

Kalista

I think that I have mentioned a time or two how if we didn't have Kalista in our family, and if Kalista didn't have Autism, we wouldn't have an Ethan, and therefore, no Adia in our family either. If not, I should, remind me...

I have had a special bond with my niece Kalista since she was just a baby and we lived together the summer before I started college. I love her so much. When we found out she had autism it was hard. We didn't really know much about it at the time, and so we didn't know what it meant for her life, or what we could do to "fix it". Turns out that it means a lot of things for her life, and for the life of her family, and for the life of her friends and her family's friends, and for everyone who comes into contact with all of us. Mostly it means patience. We all need to have a little more, and that helps. It also means understanding, and not judging. We all need a little more of that too. It turns out too, that there isn't any thing we can do to "fix it" but there are some things we can do to help live with it and appreciate it. We can be more educated. We can listen to her mom and do what she asks us to do to help. We can love her. We can brag about her when she has done something spectacular. And that's what I'm doing now.

Last Monday night the elementary school had a Christmas program. Kalista came! That is a big freakin' deal people! There were tons of people, and kids running EVERYWHERE (where were their parents? I don't know...) and the gym that they held the program in echos like nobody's business. Even I was uncomfortable there, but for an autistic person... I can't even describe how awful it must have been. But she came. And she stayed the WHOLE time. And it meant so much to my kids, they were so proud of her. So was I. And not only that, but she SAT ON SANTA'S LAP!!! That's huge!

I am so proud of the accomplishments she has made in order to be able to do that. It took a lot of work and a lot of improvements for her to be able to come. I am proud of her for all that she has learned the past year and a half, and for all of the new things she has tried. I am grateful that we have the opportunity to spend time with her now, and that she tolerates us, and that she hasn't kicked us out yet. (We were kind of worried about that when we moved here:) I am grateful for her patience with me and my kids, and how she gives my kids the opportunity to be better people and to think outside of themselves. I am grateful that I have her as an example in my life, and pray that I will be able to become a better person because of the things she teaches me.

I am also so thankful for her mom who has worked tirelessly and fought constantly to get her where she is, and for my brother-in-law who is so patient and helps her accomplish these huge milestones. They are real angels. Great job guys!

Joy # 23

Girlfriend time!

Just super grateful for that today...

That's all:)

Joy # 22

Love

My heart gets so happy this time of year. I can't get over the beautiful spirit of love that you can feel everywhere you go. Sure there are some crazies out there who are grouchy and mean, and always in too much of a rush to notice that other people exist, but for the most part it seems that this time of year people try a little harder and do a little more for each other. People give what they have a little more. They take time to thank people, they open doors and let people go first in line, and smile more. People care. People love each other. The whole thing just gives me joy. I wish that it could be like this all year round. Usually it doesn't last past the first of the year, but I'm just going to enjoy it while it's here. -And try a little harder to keep that spirit of CHRIST-mas in my heart more often throughout the year.

Joy #21

I just ate Chocolate Covered Bacon!!!

That's NOT the joy part... at all...

but the thing that does give me joy this time of year is getting the opportunity to experience things that friends and neighbors enjoy. I love this time of year when people drop goodies by. I love being able to associate things with the people who always bring them. I can't eat divinity without remembering Crazy Elaine who lived in the apartment next to us for my first Christmas being married. I eat Almond Roca and think of Melody, an old boss I had. Carmel chocolate pretzels are the Yaerleys and fudge is the Lowells, and the Redd's Christmas Tea Ring, the Daich's cookies, the Whipple's bean dip, the list goes on and on. Each treat not only reminds me of the heavenly taste, but the wonderful friends who gave them to me. It's a silly thing, but it's what brought me joy today.

Joy #20

Primary

Yesterday was a TERRIBLE day in primary. The kids were wired, my sharing time was a flop, I got peed on by one of the nursery kids... Things could certainly have been better. But at the end of the day I looked back and was pleasantly surprised. We are finally getting in the swing of things. All of the teachers showed up, I wasn't running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and my counselors even got to go to sunday school for the first time since we got put in. We are starting to get the hang of this, and that makes me so excited.

And also, we sang in Sacrament Meeting. It went alright for the first song, but then we started singing "Silent Night". And we have ourselves a "monotone angel". Her voice rang out (off key) above all the rest. I couldn't stop laughing. I LOVED IT! It was the sweetest thing ever. It was like she was singing her little heart out for the baby Jesus, and I know that He loved every note. It really hit me then that I love these kids. I love what they are teaching me, and the magnificent spirits they have. I am in awe of them every single week. When I got called as the primary president I was NOT excited. I didn't love it, and I kept thinking of reasons I might have to move:) But I had no idea how much I would love it. It is exactly what I need right now. I need to be reminded, with the innocence of a child, just how much my Savior loves me.

So that's why, even on the bad days, primary brings me Joy.

Joy #19

Snow!

I know, I know, you don't even have to say it. But this is the first REAL snow (I know most of you are looking at the pictures and laughing at the reference to "real" snow when you would refer to this as a slight skiff, but we live in the desert here...:)we have had this winter, and we are used to TONS of snow, so this really did bring us joy. And I'm sure that in a couple of days when it's not fun, and just cold I am going to be complaining about it, but this is living in the moment:) The snow was perfect for playing, and as soon as Grandma and Grandpa got back from working in the temple that is exactly what we did. We built a snow fort and a snowman that was about nine feet tall! Then we had a snowball fight! These are just a few of the MANY pictures I took, but just look at the expressions on the kid's faces. You can tell it was a day of JOY...

Silly Adie, you should know better than to step outside of the protection of the fort...

Adie couldn't decide who's side she was on, no one was safe from her.

I wish I would have snapped this a millisecond later. You can just barely see the snowball at the very top of the shot:)

Frosty the Snowman was a happy jolly soul...

LOVE this one - and look, EYE CONTACT!!!

Joy #18

So remember yesterday when I wrote about those two beautiful ladies who surprised me, and I told you I would tell you, as Paul Harvey would say, "The rest of the story." Well here goes. Please know that this is something that is pretty special to me, and I debated whether or not to share it on the blog at all. But it has a good message, and in the end I decided that it might help other people too, so I am going to. (I hope that's alright with you Shanna...)

So after getting the nativity I wrote an e-mail to Shanna telling her thanks, and just how special it was to me. She wrote back with this:

"I wanted to tell you the story of that nativity, but I wanted you to

open it first. :) I was at a craft show, and I saw these. I collect
nativities, so I am always interested in them. I was looking at it,
and the sign said that they do a ministry in Africa, then sell these
different items made there to raise money for the ministry. It was
interesting to me, but I just didn't need or really even want a new
nativity. Which is strange, because I ALWAYS want a new one! :)
Anyway, I went ahead and bought it, but all the way home and even at
home I just didn't know what to do with it or why I bought it. I
didn't unwrap it or put it out- I just didn't seem to care about it,
so I was thinking it was such a mistake to have bought it. Well,
later that night I was checking blogs, and I hadn't read yours in a
while. I scrolled down several posts, and stopped on the one where
you talked about having to leave your nativities behind. It hit me
like a ton of bricks, and I KNEW exactly why I had bought that
nativity! I couldn't wait to send it to you. I know it isn't much in
comparison to all you have lost, but to me it just felt like Heavenly
Father was mindful of you and was able to use me to let you know in a
small way that He loves you."

(By the way, it is a lot in comparison to what I lost. It means so much to me, much more than most of those other ones because of the love behind it. )

Doesn't that give you chills? It does me. For a couple of reasons. One, Heavenly Father knows each of us and loves us and wants us to know that. And two, He sometimes uses other people to help us know that He loves us. And Shanna was one of those people that He trusted to do His work for Him. (And I think Tawna was too.) AND THEY LISTENED! That part makes me cry, and blows me away all in one shot. How lucky I am that they listened to the promptings of the spirit, because what a difference it made in my life. So that's my joy for today. Heavenly Father loves me, and my friends are amazing. What more could you ask for?

Joy #17

Surprises!

I love surprises. I love that about Christmas. I love the anticipation of not knowing exactly what to expect, and even more I love the excitement of waiting to surprise someone else. Adia can't handle surprises. She can't keep a secret. She has good intentions, but it's like a little explosion inside of her, she just can't keep it in. If she did, she really might explode. She doesn't like surprises, but I sure do.

This week has been the week of surprises. Some of them were slightly unpleasant, (like my final being held on the day before I originally thought it was going to be, or like Ethan having an accident at school and I opened his back pack-surprise! ) But there were two in particular that were wonderful surprises from very thoughtful friends. On Tuesday I went to the post office to get the mail, and inside there was a package for me. I opened it up and found a beautiful little nativity. (the one on the top) I have to tell you, I was in tears instantly. I love that little thing. The picture doesn't even do it justice. It is so unique, and the colors are vibrant. It is just the sweetest thing ever. It made me feel so good that she had thought of me, and listened to the things I ramble about. I was amazed that someone would do something so sweet out of the blue like that. I was even more touched when I got ahold of her to thank her for it, and she told me the story behind it. (That's tomorrow's joy, so I'm gonna leave you hanging on that one:) The whole thing was so touching that I get weepy every time I look at that cute little nativity.

Then today I went to the post office, and once again there was a package for me. This one was from my friend/cousin Tawna. She had sent me a nativity too. (the one on the bottom) Can I just tell you, it is DARLING! I love it so much! The picture doesn't do it justice either. The pieces are so stinkin' cute I can't even describe it. And along with it she sent me a card telling me that she loved me and was thinking about me. Oh, the tears... again. It was exactly what I needed to hear, at exactly the right moment. Now, my family loves each other, there is no doubt about it, but we aren't the sit around and talk about your feelings type of family -AT ALL! So to get this note from her out of the blue like that blew me away. It really is special to me. Writing about it now is making me cry all over again. (Geez, when did I turn into such a girl?:)

Last week was a rough one for me. If was full of second guessing myself and feeling like I'm not being a very good mom. Like I'm not being a very good anything. Some of the things that happened made me feel like my life was just one big disaster after another, and I wondered how on earth I was going to pull it together and get through this. So this week, when I was feeling like giving up I got not one, but two reminders that I have people behind me supporting me, that will get me through this. It reminded me that it doesn't matter what I have lost, I have the opportunity to to start all over again and build my collection,- and build my life with memories of people who really love me and care about me. And things are going to be okay. And that brings me joy.

Joy #16

Not sure what's going on with the picture, but these are not mine,

I got the photo from HERE (Like 'em)

Chocolates!

Every year I dip chocolates. Some years I go all out. This year with finals and everything I didn't think I would even make any. That made me a little sad. I love making them.

Are they hard work? Yes!

Every year does my head, back, feet, etc ache after spending hours dipping chocolate? Yes!

Every year do I swear I am never going to do it again? Yes!

But is it TOTALLY worth it? YES!

I myself, am not much of a chocolate eater. I love chocolate, but dipped chocolates are not really my thing. But I LOVE to watch people enjoy them. That is the ultimate for me. I love it when people come over and you set out a plate of chocolates, and they try one, and then a little while later they try another one, and another, and you can see that they know they shouldn't have anymore, but they can't help themselves, and pretty soon they are trying to sneak them without anyone noticing that they have had about 14 of them. They are so embarrassed when the whole plate ends up being eaten before they leave, but I don't care. I love it. It makes me so happy! I also like giving chocolates as gifts. It makes a big difference to people when they know you have put so much effort into making something like that for them.

So, as I mentioned, I didn't think I would have time to make them this year. And I don't have time to make the extravagant ones with fondant- they take time to cure before you can eat them, and there just isn't time for that. But I'm so lucky, I thought that my last final was going to be tomorrow, but just in the nick of time I looked at the syllabus and discovered... dun, dun, dun, it was TONIGHT instead! So lucky me, I didn't have to spend all night cramming, I rushed right into town and took it, and now all night and all day tomorrow is FREEEEEEEEEE! (Ah, can you just hear my sighing in pure and total bliss?) So I have time to make my very favorite kind of chocolates. Idle Isle Chocolates. I had never had these until I moved to Brigham City, but they are actually kind of famous there. And for a good reason, they are DELICIOUS! Just imagine biting into a yummy little ball of chocolate, covered in nuts only to discover a creamy, melt in your mouth, little bit of heaven, so good it makes your eyes roll back in your head, center of joy. Even I like them. So I made up the cream for the centers tonight, and will let them freeze over night ant tomorrow I will form the centers and freeze again, then dip and let set, and by Saturday----perfection! I can hardly wait. I am almost giddy. Now, who wants to come by for a taste?

Joy #15

MY MATH FINAL IS OVER!

JOY!

Joy #14

Traditions!

I am a lover of tradition. I like the ones that I grew up with, and I like starting my own for my little family. I love the unity that it brings, and the memories that come flooding back each time you do it. One of my families traditions is to make doughnuts for our neighbors. My mom makes the dough and fries up the doughnuts, and then the rest of us frost, decorate, (and eat) to our little heart's content. Usually I miss out on making doughnuts because we don't usually come home until just a day or two before Christmas. But this year we were able to participate. I love that this is something I used to do as a little girl, and now my kids think it's as magical as I used to. Listening to them laugh and have fun made me so happy. And so do doughnuts... mmm... it's like a double joy today. (hopefully that will make up for me falling a little behind on my posting this weekend;)

Joy #13

The Temple

Last weekend I had the opportunity to be in the temple with a lot of my family, and it reminded me just how blessed I am to have the temple blessings be a part of my life. It made me think about how my family for generations are sealed together, so that after this life we can all still be together again. I reminded me of the sacrifices that my family has made for the temple. From ancestors helping to build temples to my parents working in the temple, to my cousin who stayed worthy to be sealed there which is what brought us all together and caused my mind to go there in the first place. I am grateful for the blessings of the temple. I am grateful for the lessons I learn there, and for the answers I get there. I am grateful for the person I have to work at becoming in order to attend the temple. I am grateful that because of the temple I can have my babies forever, and that they are mine always. I am grateful that in a world that is so wild and crazy and busy and hurtful and noisy that I have a place I can go that is peaceful, where I can leave the cares of the world outside, and focus on the important things of eternity. I love the temple, and it brings me joy.

Joy # 12

Families.

This weekend I had the opportunity to visit with a lot of my family, and it reminded me how lucky I am to have them. I love them! Yes sometimes they are a little too much, and drive me nuts, but when I really need someone, I know they will come through for me. I have some wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I love that I can really talk to all of them. I have the very best time with them. We can joke and laugh, one second, and have a serious conversation the next. I know that I have their support no matter what. I look up to them for the people they are and the things that they have taught me. I miss them when I don't see them for a while, but I love that when we are together again we can just pick up right where we left off. I am so grateful to be a part of the family I have.

Joy # 11

Weddings!

I love them! I just do. I was able to go see my cousin get married today, and it reminded me how much I love weddings. I love the cake and the dress and the flowers. I love the hair, and the makeup and the tuxes and the food and the pictures. I love the family and friends, everything about it. When we were in the temple, the sealer was super funny, but also really profound. He said a lot of things that really had an impact on me. I won't share them here, but it just reminded me that it isn't just the wedding that I love, but the marriage. I love the idea of two people so in love they want to be together forever. They want to help each other through life, and share the joy and the pain. They want to put each other first and be each other's very best friend. It reminded me that I want that some day. I think I have been a little afraid to start down that road because the last time, ended so badly. I don't want to be made a fool again. But I realized today that if you want that partnership that you have to take the risk of getting hurt. I think it's worth it. (Now I just have to find the guy...:)

Joy #10

Reconnecting with old friends.

I have recently been e-mailing with an old friend back and forth. We used to talk a lot, and for the past year or so we haven't really spoken much. I didn't realize how much I missed his insight and wisdom. I had forgotten how much I value his opinion. I didn't remember how significantly he had touched my life. It has been fun to go back over old memories with him and talk about what has been going on in our lives since then. I have laughed until my sides hurt, and cried until I was out of tears. He has helped me work through some things that I have been pushing aside, and he has helped me remember what I am here for. It feels like getting a piece of my self back, and I have loved it. I think this is something pretty common this time of year. You hear from those who you haven't thought of in a while. You get to temporarily relive the times you shared together in your memories. I love that about Christmas.

Joy #9

Christmas Cards

They make me so excited. I can't wait to rip open the envelope and see what's inside. I love to see what kind of card they have. If they have a letter inside. What cute little personalized message they included. It makes me act like a kid on their birthday. I wait all year for those cards. I proudly display them, and look at them often. I remember the people who send them, and the reasons we are friends. I remember funny things we did together, how we met, or why I love them. It's like reconnecting all over again. Another thing I love about Christmas cards is that of the 9 I have received so far I took the pictures for 7 of them. And they ROCK!!! :)HEE HEE HEE! LOVE IT!!!

Joy#8

My kid's teachers. The more time goes by the more convinced I am that God puts the exact right people in my kid's life at the exact moment we need them. I'm sure that's true with everyone, but I notice it a lot with my kids. Their teachers are no exception. I know that Brigham City is where we were supposed to be when Ethan first started school. He needed Miss B and the other teachers he had Mtn. View. They gave him a great start, and exactly what he needed. When we moved to La Sal I was really worried about how everything was going to go school wise. Not that La Sal is a bad place or anything, it just doesn't have the resources of reputation of Mtn. View. But we were blessed again. Ethan got the exact teacher he needed, who not only understands his learning style, and his special needs, but understands his life situation and the feelings he is dealing with right now as well. He makes sense to Ethan, and knows when to push him and when to let things go. We are so lucky to have him in our lives.

And Adia's teacher is no different. She is a perfect fit for Adia. When she started school she was way ahead of most of the kids in her class, and I worried that she would be bored and get into trouble. Mrs. Thayn realized that right away and challenges her a little more. She also noticed what she calls "Adia's leadership skills" (what the rest of us call "bossy butt" Same thing:) and gives her opportunities to help teach the other students and help them pass off their work. This has been spectacular for Adia. She is learning so much and has a wonderful time in school. Mrs. Thayn also has experience with divorce, and has helped Adia talk about and deal with her feelings. (maybe she talks a little too much, a few days ago Mrs. Thayn told me that she overheard Adia telling everyone "I can't wait until my mom gets married again, because then she is going to have a bunch of little sisters for me to take care of!" Yes that's another one of those times that I want to smash my head with a hammer a little bit. I don't exactly want everyone in town to hear that I'm going to be a baby making machine as soon as I get married, but at least I know that when that day comes - IF it comes- she will handle it well:)

All in all I don't think I could have asked for a better situation for my kids to be in at this point in their lives. I love the way Heavenly Father just handles everything. JOY!

Joy #7

The Scriptures.

You know how everybody says "shouldn't there be a guide book for this?" when they are trying to do something crazy hard?

Well, there is. It's the scriptures.

I have found so much strength through them during my life. It seems like whenever I need an answer, there it is. They tell me how to behave, what to say and what to keep to myself, what to do with my life, where to go, and a million other little things. Even the answer to silly little things are in there. I love them. I should use them more.

I appreciate that my kids teach me to love them through their own love for them. I am so grateful to the guidance the scriptures give to me. I am grateful for the truths they hold. I am grateful for the push they give me to get through the hard times.

They bring me joy.

Joy #6

Friends

This year I lost my best friend.

The one that I told everything to, the one that I could be the real me with. The one who knew my secrets. The one who cheered me on and listened when I cried. That is a very lonely feeling.

But through it I was able to really know what great friends I have. I have been really blessed. I have friends who I can count on for anything. I have friends who listen to me when I need to vent, and don't hold the things I say over my head later. I have friends who help me work out all the craziness inside, and sort through all of my thoughts. I have friends who tell me the real truth even when it's hard. I have friends who I can cry with when the rest of the world expects me to hold it all together. I have friends who know what I really mean when I say everything is fine. I have friends who call me out of the blue when I really need them. I have friends who will push aside their own pain to help me deal with my own. I have friends who are willing to drive all the way to Salt Lake to meet my ex husband's new boyfriend for the first time with me. I have friends who know how bad that hurts without me even having to tell them. I have friends who love my kids and are positive male role models for them. I have friends who fill in the gaps where I can't. I have friends who understand what my kids are going through when I don't, and can help me help them deal. I have friends who remind me what's right. I have friends who help me laugh at my situation, and work through all my issues, help me try to find a date, and love me no matter what. I truly would not have made it through these past few months without those friends. So, thank you, for all you do for me. You are my joy.

Joy #5

Last night we went to the Electric Light Parade in Moab. It's one of those small town parades where anyone and their dog (or bike, it is Moab after all) are in it. The only requirement is that you have to have a light on you or your vehicle. So everyone goes and stands on the street in the freezing cold with a cup of cocoa and watches anything with lights on it drive about 1/2 a mile an hour down main street. It sounds super fun, (and lame) I know, especially given how much I HATE parades. But we do it every year. I don't know why. This year a lot of our every year traditions have changed, and I was going to let this one go too. But then we saw Santa in his jeep on Friday (It's Moab, Santa drives a jeep here, come on people...) and he told the kids he hoped to see them at the parade, and "you can't disappoint Santa, he's expecting us!" so that's how I ended up standing on a street corner freezing my butt off in the middle of the night with hot cocoa spilled down my pants. And you know what? I had a really good time. I really did. My kids are so funny. We laughed so hard it's a wonder I didn't have something else dripping down my pants. It was a really good time. More fun than I have had at parade... probably ever. And that brings me to my joy. Adventures! Our whole life has been an adventure for the past several months. Things are new and exciting, and even if we have done them before, we have never done them on our own, so everything is different. Sometimes we have a great time, and sometimes it's not the best, but the three of us really do have a good ability for find the joy in bad situations, so we usually end up laughing through our tears anyway. In just the last few months we have gone hiking in countless places (who knew my kids liked to hike so much, I thought I was the only one) gone camping, fishing, swimming in water falls, seen bear, elk, deer, badgers, snakes, mountain lions, raccoons, doves, and a million other wild and dangerous animals. We have vacationed all over Utah, and a lot in Colorado, Arizona, Nevada and Idaho (and don't forget the BEST VACATION EVER!), we have seem pageants, county fairs, stayed in countless hotels, traveled to Gay-tastic Disney on Ice (forever indebted to Kim for getting me through that one) met new people, forgot about our troubles, got into and out of sticky situations, met fascinating people, learned more about each other than I thought possible, worked hard, and LAUGHED. I am so lucky to have the two best traveling companions in the world. I am grateful for the adventures we have together. I love the unexpected excitement of it all. I love that you never quite know how the story is going to end. Adventure is my joy #5.

Joy #4

This beautiful world I live in! This is where I live- seriously! Literally, none of these pictures are taken more that 30 minutes from my house. Most are less than 10. I am so lucky to live in this beautiful world, and to have these magnificent views all around me. When I see something so breathtakingly gorgeous I can't help but know that I am blessed. These are the pictures God painted of us to enjoy. It boggles my mind. What joy!

Some exciting prospects in my love life...

I tried to find a picture that doesn't make him look so... 12. but there weren't any. What you see is

what you get:)

The other day in preschool the kids were coloring on "the big paper". (It's really big pieces of

construction paper that

we only use on special occasions) Anna, one of the students said she was going to draw a

picture of my husband. I told her that I didn't have a husband, so she decided to draw a picture of

the person I was going to marry someday. I Asked who that was going to be, and after some

thought it was decided that I should marry Justin Bieber. I mentioned that I thought he was a little

bit young for me, but the kids all thought it would still work out. "plus, he is SO PRETTY. PLUS

he likes kids - he sings that song about babies!" (hee hee hee:) You can't argue with that. So

maybe in 10 years when he's finally legal, I will become a cougar and snatch him up...

Do you think he'll still wear his hair backwards then?...

*** Disclaimer: I really have no romantic interest in Justin Bieber. I only told this story because it

made me giggle how excited the kids were about this prospect. Please do not call the cops!

Thank you!:)

Also, I'm not really sure what is going on with the layout of this post. It makes it look like it is going to be poetic, or important or something, but it's not. Sorry if the looks deceived you:)

Joy#3

My Savior.

I am so grateful for Him. I use his atonement every single day. I am so grateful for His sacrifice, because I am not perfect. I mess up... A lot. I make mistakes and fall down, and mess things up all the time. I am so grateful that he took care of that for me. I am grateful that He suffered all things for me. That because of Him I can make it back to my Father in Heaven again even though I make mistakes.

Another thing that I have learned this year about my Savior came from my good friend Ellie. I always knew that He suffered for my sins, and I had always heard that he took my pain upon Himself, I knew that. But I had never really thought about it. All of my pain. Every bit, He has already suffered for me. Not just the pain that comes from my mistakes, but the pain that comes from other people's choices, the pain that comes from trials, the pain that comes from losses, the pain that comes from life. He has already suffered that for me. I don't have to dwell on my losses. I don't have to sorrow for the things that are hard in my life. He already has. That doesn't mean that I can't feel sorrow, it just means that the sorrow doesn't have to define my life. It also means that there is someone who knows my pain. Someone who knows what MY broken heart feels like. Someone who can heal it. That seems very obvious, I know, but I had never thought about it that way, and it has brought me a lot of joy in knowing it.

Joy 2

My parents. What would I do without them? Where would I be now? I am so grateful for the sacrifices they have made for me my whole life, but especially lately. Without question, when my world was falling apart they came to my rescue. They gave me a place to live, and helped me take care of my kids. They have helped us heal and move on, and they support us in all the hard things we have had to do. They never complain even though I know it isn't easy to have us here. (we are a handful, I know it:)

I am also thankful for the things that they have taught me, and the way they raised me. They taught me how to be a good person, even when it's easier not to be, and I have used that lesson a lot these past few months. They also taught me about the gospel and to trust in God. They helped me grow my testimony, and without that I would never have survived this year.

*along the same lines I am also grateful to my friend Chris who promises that if I am still living with my parents by the time I'm 45 he will help me get set up in a place of my own - a nice little apartment with some well groomed cats... Nice, right?:)

This Christmas...

So, I am going to whine a little bit, but then I promise I will get to my point. Stick with me here...

As most of you know my divorce happened pretty quickly. In less than 30 days I went from what I thought was happily married to a finalized divorce, and living three hundred miles away with my parents. I got out with my kids and little else. That is all I asked for, and it was a compromise that both of us were pretty pleased with at the time. Every day I am grateful for that arrangement. Every day I thank my Father in Heaven that I have those kids, and don't have to share them. Every single day is a reminder of the miracles I have witnessed. And I almost never miss any of the worldly possessions I left behind. Almost never...

When I was 15 years old I started collecting Nativity scenes. I love them. I love that there are so many unique ones. I love buying nativities from far off places that had cultural significance. (did you know that a true Mexican nativity portrays Mary's face, and that of the angel exactly the same? Did you know that a true nativity made in Spain has a man pooping hidden somewhere? Did you know that true nativities from Africa won't depict the details of Mary's face at all?) I loved the memories of how I got the nativity, whether as a gift from a dear friend, or on a trip somewhere exciting, or just spotting it in a store and knowing I had to have it. I loved even the one's that were broken because of the story of how it happened. Like my hand painted swiss nativity that Troy and I bought in this crazy antique shop the first time we went to Mexico has the head and wings broken off of the angel because on Ethan's first Christmas with us he wanted to see if it would fly. And the little plastic Precious Moments one has everyone missing their hands because Adia was in a biting stage one year. Those little flaws make them all the more special to me. I loved them.

Unfortunately I didn't get those in the divorce. At first I didn't care. I got my kids, and that is what matters. But as Christmas is sneaking up on me I have started missing them more and more. And the more I miss those things the more I miss all the other things I no longer have. And while I'm sitting there having this little "I wish I had..." pity party, it's easy to forget all of the things I DO have. My life is pretty stinkin' good really. I have blessings coming out of my ears. I am tripping over joy every where I step. I am one lucky girl! So this Christmas I am going to focus on my blessings I am going to revel in the joy that I have. I am going to embrace the life I have and be happy with it. Each day I am going to list one (or sometimes more) thing that I have been blessed with. I am going to call them my joys (hence the darling picture I took from our Christmas tree this morning- which is something I am thankful for that I probably won't mention during my daily joys - my parents let me buy all new Christmas decorations for the tree so that when I move I will have my own Christmas stuff again. I was able to pick out anything I wanted -which is SO not what my parents would have chosen, and not only that, but they let us set it up already - they are totally week-before-Christmas decorators, so this is a HUGE sacrifice for them, and a HUGE joy for me!:)

So, Joy #1 My kids. I am so lucky to have them. Not only is it a miracle that I have them at all, it is a miracle that I have sole custody of them now. I am blessed every day by the things they teach me, and the laughter they bring into my life. I never knew I could love someone so much, but the love I have for them is greater than anything I can even express. They are pretty cool kids actually, and I'm not just saying that because I'm their mom. They rock! They are my joy.

The Business

Well, here we are, the last day of Adoption Awareness Month! Are you as sad to see it end as I am?:) But you are in luck, you don't have to wait until next November to celebrate the miracle of adoption. You can celebrate

EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR!

You can work to raise awareness all year long!

LUCKY!

I currently have a pocket in my purse packed with pass along cards, that I hand out every time adoption comes up in a conversation. I support birth mothers. I participate in Families Supporting Adoption activities. I share my story when the time is right. There are hundreds of things you can do to support adoption. Try one.

Now, on to the good stuff. Several of you chose to take my challenge at the beginning of the month. Thank you! Now it's time to choose a winner...

The winner is...

Well, technically, everyone is a winner because you all made a difference in the world through your efforts. :)

But I know that's not what you are waiting for, so here goes...

Michah Cooper!

Yay!

Michah was amazing this month. She asked me to send her some pass along cards and is currently having a really spectacular experience with a potential birth mother... We'll invite her as a guest blogger to share her experience some day soon when things settle down a bit...

Congratulations Michah, be looking for something special from me in the mail soon.

And now, the thing that I know you have been waiting for all month long....:) I am sharing our adoption story. It seems like the perfect end to the month. A celebration of the miracles that can come from adoption. A reminder that God has His hand in all things. A reminder for me of how blessed I truly am. So enjoy!

OUR ADOPTION STORY

Wanna hear a beautiful story?

Of course you do, who wouldn't?!

So, you know my friend Shanna right? I LOVE her. I blog about her often. She is amazing. She's the kind of person who does what is right, says what she thinks, and is totally real. She doesn't hide anything. She cherishes her life just the way it is, full of bumps and kinks, and twists, and never tries to gloss things over. I love it. She is the kind of person who makes you want to be better just by knowing her. I really wish she didn't live clear on the other side of the country from me because I would totally hang out at her house every day. So now that you all wish you knew her too, let me tell you something else special about her. She's an adoptive mom! Awesome, right? She adopted her three super spunky, totally darling kids. (really, they are cute kids, the stories she tells about them crack me up. I could see them getting along perfectly with my kids. Adia and Abigail could be two peas in a pod... if we didn't live a couple thousand miles away from each other...) She is sharing her inspiring adoption story over at her blog. I love the way she describes her feelings and experiences. She is so real, you will totally love her. So grab a tissue and hop on over there.

Start here: Part One

Part Two

Part Three

How did I celebrate adoption awareness day?

The Monticello Temple

Where we were sealed as a family on June 17, 2006

I did something really cool actually. Something I had never done to celebrate it before. Something that celebrated one of the most special parts of our adoption. And it wasn't even my idea. I had been looking for something really special to do this year. All of the old traditions that we usually do didn't seem right this year given our circumstances and life changes, plus in this year where our lives have been completely changed it just seems right that our traditions change a little too. But try as I might, I couldn't find anything that seemed right. I was just about ready to give up and forget about it when my friend Chris came up with the answer.

In our church we have temples where saving ordinances are done - the things that we believe are manditory to returning to our Father in Heaven again. One of these ordinances is Sealing. We believe that families can be together forever, even after death, and the sealing ceremony is where we are given that opportunity. Through our whole adoption ordeal we kept being told that our children might be taken away from us. That was our greatest fear. When finally we were able to finalize our adoption that worry was partially over. They were legally our children, and no one could take them from us. That was such a relief, I can't even explain to you what it felt like. There are no words to describe the overwhelming peace that rushed over us. The only problem was that this was only true in life, not for eternity. If our plane had crashed on the way back to Utah, all ties would have been broken.

If two people are married and sealed in the temple then each child that is born to them is born under the sacred sealing covenant, and therefore has the power to be sealed to that couple forever. That isn't the case with adoption, you have to take the children to the temple and have them sealed to you after finalization. So to us that sealing day was when the adoption process was truly finished. It was when our family was finally a whole both on earth and in heaven. It was literally the best day of my life.

So Saturday I honored that day. In the temple we do our own ordinances, but then we act as a proxy to do those ordinances for people who didn't have the opportunity while on earth. On the day that celebrates bringing families together I went to the temple and I was able to help bring families together for eternity. I was able to help several families be sealed together in the exact same room where my children were sealed to me. It was the best way ever to spend my day. I hope to make this a continued tradition. I am very grateful for some wonderful friends who helped me have the opportunity to do this.

After that we called our birth family, had our adoption love party, and celebrated in a few of the ways we usually do. It was a wonderful day to honor adoption.

Adoption Q&A Season 3

Q: Would you or do you want to adopt again?

A: Absolutely! I would love to adopt again. If I ever re-marry I would like to try to have biological children as well, but Adoption it in my heart forever, and there are lots of kids who need a home. I would love to be that home for a few of them anyway.

Q: Is your adoption an open or closed one? Do you like it this way?

A: Our adoption is an open one, but kind of unique. We have a very open relationship with the biological grandparents who were the ones that Ethan lived with after he was taken into state custody, but before he was placed with us. We call and write. We send presents and share accomplishments. We even visit them sometimes, though not as often as I would like:) It sounds cliche' but they really are like a part of our family. They are just Nana and Papa, as though they were meant to be that way. I love them like I love my own parents. They are wonderful people and I am truly blessed for the sacrifices they made in order to make me a mom. We are also in contact with their other children, and a few of their extended family members. We love them too. Because of the way things happened we do not talk to the kid's biological parents at this time. It isn't healthy for anyone involved, but I dream of someday having a better relationship with them as well. I LOVE open adoption! LOVE IT! I love that it's the kind of relationship where everyone wins. We get new members of our family, our kids get to have ties to their earlier life, their heritage, and their culture, which is something I could never give them. I don't know how to be hispanic, I don't know where their ancesters came from, or thier family stories. I need them to fill in that part of thier life, that I don't have the ability to do. My kids also get a whole other group of people to love them and spoil them, and let's face it, who doesn't need a little more of that in their life?:) In return the biological family gets to play a part in thier children's life. They get to watch them grow. They get to be there for the important things, and even for the ordinary everyday miracles. They weren't able to take care of the kids, and needed someone to do that for us. We weren't able to have kids, and we needed someone to do that for us. We each played a really important part in this thing called our family, and to shut anyone out of that doesn't make sense at all.

Q: Did you think about adoption as an option before you tried to have kids?

A: I always knew that I would adopt. Even before we discovered our fertility difficulties I knew that I would have adopted children. I thought more along the lines of later in life, but God's watch works way better than mine, so I'm not complaining a bit.

Q: Do you ever feel sorry that you couldn't have your own kids?

A: Wow! That's seems like a simple question, but there are so many things about it that need to be addressed, so hold on tight. First of all, I do have my own kids. They came to me a different way, but they are mine. They were meant to be with me. They are mine legally, and eternally. ALL MINE. Second, a lot of people talk to me and seem to think that adoption is second best or something. I don't like that. Would I have liked to have biological children? Yes. Did I try that way before I looked into adoption? Yes. Does that make adoption a second rate way to have kids? Not at all! It is a wonderful option. It is a miracle that I am so lucky to have be a part of my life. It is the very best way that my kids could have come into my life, and I thank God every. single. day. for giving me the priviledge of being a part of adoption. Third, the thing I think you were actually trying to ask, did I struggle with our infertility? Yes, I did. I didn't morn it for long, or in the same ways that other people do, but it hurt. It was hard. It IS hard. That is the truth. I still have a hard time holding newborn babies or visiting friends in the hospital. I despise baby showers. I cry when friends tell me they are pregnant. I can't help it. It is painful. It is a sharp stinging reminder that those are things I may never have. (You should know If I have ever held your newborn, or if I visited you in the hospital, or attended your shower, it is because I love you SO much!:) I am happy for the new parents, and I do love babies, but it doesn't come without it's heart ache. I do struggle with infertility, but I am a mom, and I love the way I became one. Wishing for something doesn't make you unhappy with the things you have.

Q: I know the process took a long time, what all goes into it? A: Here is the short version of a "normal" adoption. You have to get a home study, fill out a bazillion pages of paperwork, get a background check, have your home inspected, get reference letters - get approved. Once you are approved, you find your child. this can be done in several ways. You can find the birth mother yourself through you, your family, friends, etc. who knows someone who is thinking of placing their child for adoption. You can go through an agency that can connect you with a birth mother either through their system, or the birth mother going over parent profiles and choosing you - depending on the agency. You could go through foster care, and basically you are matched up with children who need a home, and if they are available for adoption, and you think they would fit into your family perminantly you can adopt them. There are a lot of different options for being matched with your child, and I won't go into the details here. Next, once you are placed with your child you have a waiting period. This is different according to the state that you are adopting in and from. It can be from just a few weeks to a couple of years - assuming there are no problems. This gives all parties involved time to be sure they are making the right decision, time to get all legal paperwork straightened out, etc. During this time you generally have routine home inspections and social work visits. In most cases it is life as usual, just nothing is concrete yet. Finally after the waiting period is over and everything is in order you go to court for what is called finalization. This is where you are pronounced the legal parent of the child. You are given all the rights and responsibilities that go along with that. It is pretty cool because you have to raise your hand and agree to that. Then they give you an amended birth certificate which lists you as the parent etc. It is really a cool feeling, like after all of that waiting and hoping, they are really yours, and no one can take them away from you. Then after that, you are just a family, like you were always meant to be.

Q: If you adopt a child and go through all of the evaluations and paperwork that they do that takes forever...do you have to do it everytime you adopt or do foster care or do they just keep it all on file? You know just call them up and say, "hey, we are ready to go again!" and the process is a snap the next time.

A: If you go through the same agency your information will still be on file for a period of time, but you do have to get approved each time you adopt. I believe that this includes the background checks and reference letters, etc. (PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong here) But you mentioned foster care, and I think if you keep your license current you don't have to start over every time. If you let your license laps though, I do think you have to start over. It is a little frustrating maybe, but it makes sense. A lot of things change, and they have to be sure that everything is still alright. It is a way to assure that everyone involved will be protected. It's a good thing even though it does create a LOT of extra work.

Q: How does your family feel about your kids being adopted. Has that ever caused any problems?

A: I would say that 99% of our family accepts the kids as ours and doesn't even think about it much anymore. There were a few that struggled with it, but for the most part everyone was super excited about it. My family has a lot of adoption in it, and so to them it's just the way it happens sometimes. I have never noticed any member of my family treating my kids any differently than they treat any of the other kids in the family. They play with my kids the same, they discipline my kids the same, they are loved exactly the same. That hasn't always been the same with Troy's side of the family, but for the most part we have a really great group of supporters. I think that the best way to earn support for adoption is to educate people who don't have a good opinion of it. After all, when you truly know just how fantastic adoption is, how could you do anything but love it?:)

Well, that's it. I hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Adoption Q&A! Thanks to those of you who participated. Now on to the exciting part. The winner chose randomly by the name-in-a-hat-drawn-out-by-a-princess-named-Adia method is...

Rachele!

Congratulations!

Be looking for something from me in the mail soon.

Feel sad that you missed out on this exciting contest. Check this out for a way you can take the ADOPTION MONTH CHALLENGE and be entered into another drawing while making a difference for adoption.