Well, this is it! The final Day of Adoption Month, the final chapter of our story (Well, our Adoption Story anyway:) Things are winding up. I have a few houskeeping things that I want to take care of before I share "the rest of the story", so hang in there a minute. I want to thank all of you for participating in adoption awareness month, whether you did a great action to raise awareness, ADOPTED (one of my good friends had placement day yesterday, and now has a beautiful baby girl-yay!) participated in the blog, or even just learned something about adoption at all, that's a huge step, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it. I also want to mention that my blog used to be private, but I chose to open it for the month so that I could reach more people. I have loved it, and loved making new friends through it, so I have been considering keeping it open... But I still want to know who is reading. I have had tons of traffic, so I know there are a lot of you, so in order to feel a little bit better about it, I was hoping you would leave me a little comment or e-mail me eberling2@msn.com with just a little note telling me who you are. It can be as short as a hello or as long as a life story, (preferably it will tell me who you are, how you started reading the blog, and something funny to make me laugh, this girl needs a chuckle now and then!:) I just want to know you a little. I know you don't have to do it, but I really hope you will. Next I want to tell you how grateful I am for adoption. It has touched my life in more ways than I can count. The friends I have made through my adoption journey have truly blessed me. The strength I have gained has helped me be strong for other hard times in my life. The closeness to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has shaped me more into the woman I hope one day to become. But best of all, I'm a mom. On Thanksgiving (Which was amazing by the way, and I will post about later this week) I had a little time to reflect on my life. I thought about how much joy I had that day, and then remembered the Thanksgivings before my kids where there was a piece of my heart missing, and though I was happy, my life just didn't seem like the one it was meant to be. I remembered feeling lonely, and the nights I cried myself to sleep wishing for the children I couldn't have myself. And then in ran my two yay-hoos and tackled me to give me good night kisses. And I wasn't alone, and I wasn't sad, and I had pretty much everything I could ever want right there in my arms (though I wouldn't complain about having a husband again, wink, wink) And that is because of adoption, and it is something I will forever be grateful for.
So now, on to the real reason you're here:)


So, we were a family. The hardpart was over, right? HA HA HA next came the adjustment period. Life was a nuthouse 24/7! Not only were we adjusting to making a family out of a newlywed couple, but the kids were adjusting to something totally new too. They didn't know us, or each other. They didn't know where they were, and they didn't know where the people who they did know had gone to. All in all though, they did adjust to that part quite well. They were both very friendly kids, and seemed to adjust to the new surroundings and people pretty quickly. We did what we could to make, especially Ethan, feel comfortable. The thing we had been most concerned about was how the kids would react to each other, but as it turns out we needn't have worried. They loved each other from the first second. Ethan was soft and kind to Adia, and she just lit up when she saw him. They instantly had a special bond, and that bond would prove to be a huge help to each other in the future. The part that didn't go so well though, was with Ethan. He was not used to following rules. He would run away from us, jump on furniture, break things for fun, hurt animals, and just generally destroy EVERYTHING. On his first full day in our house, he climbed up in our bookshelf, found our wedding photos and started ripping them to shreds. And that was just in the time it took me to change Adia's diaper. While I was cleaning that up he went into the dining room and broke almost all of the heirloom china my Grandma gave me when I got married. It was exhausting. I could never let him out of my sight, and the only time I got to rest was when both of the kids were asleep. And that leads me to bedtime. Adia was really a pretty good sleeper. She would usually only wake up once during the night, sometimes twice, but she always went right back to sleep after she was fed and changed. Ethan, on the other hand was a completely different story. Some autistic kids just don't sleep much, and Ethan is one of those. He usually only required three to four hours of sleep a night, and a one hour nap during the day. That was alright. I have never required much sleep, so I could probably have handled that fine. The problem came along with the abuse. Ethan would have terrors when he slept. He dreamed of his parents and would scream things like, "don't leave me" or "Don't hit me", and talk about things that they had done to him. He usually wouldn't wake himself up, but it would wake me up, and I spent most of my nights in his bed rubbing his back and crying over the things he was saying. Ethan also had some habits that we had to work around. He had been starved for so long that he was determined not to let that happen again. He would steal food and hide it all over the place. He would stick things in his pocket at the dinner table, and then sneak it into his room and put it under his pillow. He would come out of his room chewing on a carrot stick, and I knew we hadn't had carrots in over a week. It took a little while for us to figure out what was going on, and by that time he had hidden things everywhere in the house. He had put things in plants, under beds, in closets, behind books, in coat pockets, anywhere he could think of. He was also hiding food for Adia. If we didn't put her bottle or formula can away as soon as we were finished with it, it would vanish. He also hid water. Anything he could find that would hold water was filled in the toilet, and hidden somewhere. Once we figured out what was going on and why, we gave him his own shelf in the fridge, and in the pantry that was always stocked with food and water and that helped some, though he still sometimes hides food, and we do a nightly sweep of his room just to be sure he isn't chomping on a crunchy hot dog in a day or two. His therapy was also a hard thing to take care of. There weren't any of those services provided in our town, or even in those towns around us. In order for him to get the help he needed, it meant hours in the car, driving from one appointment to another. We also weren't accepted very well by everyone in the community. We were told that if we got the chance to choose our kids, why would we choose broken ones. The primary president didn't want Ethan in primary. The community preschool didn't want Ethan to attend, and said hurtful things behind our backs. Some of our "friends" stopped wanting to hang out. We were told that our kids were trash because they were on drugs. We were ridiculed for our parenting styles because our son was "Out of control, and just needed a couple of good spankings" It was crazy that people would say things like that, especially members of the church. The things that did help were plenty too, though. I had a great support system in my family and close friends, and even most members of the community. I had people offer to take the kids for a few hours while I showered or took a nap or cleaned my house. I had people who would remind me of my blessings and how lucky I was to have the kids, and they were also the people who knew when I just needed to cry, and they let me do that too. We were also really lucky that the kids had each other. In some things they were developing at the same time and helped each other out. Adia crawled by seven months, walked by nine, talked like crazy by a year. She wanted to keep up with Ethan, and wouldn't be left behind. In doing that, it helped Ethan learn to walk better. He was more steady as he moved, and learned his balance better. He learned to take it slower. He also learned to talk more plainly. He learned to say things because she could say them. The fact that he talks as clearly as he does, I think, we owe to her. She also taught him much about compassion, following rules, and having manners. If she learned it, he did too.
As we were adjusting to all of these things and many more, we were also trying to finalize our adoption. We had been told that we had to wait for six months before we could finalize, but we thought that was it. We didn't know that there was no guarantee that we would ever be able to adopt these kids. (We had never been required, or even been told about any adoption classes, so we literally knew NOTHING about the whole process)We were shocked the first time that was brought to our attention. We were also shocked a few months later when we were told that the judge had not even terminated the Parent's rights yet. (We were told that they had done that before the kids were even placed with us, and it should have been.) We were assured that it wouldn't make any difference, and it would happen soon, but still, that put us on edge. We didn't know what to expect. The kids had been with us for three months when the grandparents called up in a panic. The parents had decided that they were ready to be parents and wanted the grandparents to give them our address so they could go pick the kids. Luckily they didn't, but it wasn't being recieved well by the parents. Rather than telling the parents they had missed their chance, the judge decided it meant that they really wanted the kids back and gave them another chance to change thier lives. It was at this point when something totally hit me. All of this time we had been so angry with the parents. We saw what they had done to the kids, what they had done to thier family, themselves, us. It made us so mad. I can't speak for Troy, but I really can say that I hated them. I HATED them, and with every nightmare my son had, I hated them more. But then it hit us, did Heavenly Father hate them? I didn't think so. They are still his children. They made these two beautiful babies who we loved. And at that point I started to pray for them. At first it wasn't much. I thanked Heavenly Father for them. Then eventually I worked my way up to asking Him to bless them that they would make the choices to help thier lives turn out the way they were supposed to. It wasn't much, but even that made the situation stop hurting quite as much. But, I never stopped praying for the kid to be ours either. I just finally found enough faith to put it in the Lord's hands. 1 month later the judge ruled that the parents were't going to change, and finally terminated their rights. We were still dealing with many different social services agencies, and paperwork and messages were still being lost and mixed up. We never knew what was true and what was not. I finally realized that if it was going to happen I would need to help it along. I started calling each agency every day, and would put the pieces together and started figuring out what was true and what was not. I started to realize who I could trust and who I couldn't. I made copies of every piece of paperwork I came in contact with and made a note of who sent it, who had it, and dates and times of everything. It eventually got to the point that the social workers, especially LACDCFS (oddly enough) were calling me to see what was happening, instead of the other way around.Then in December, the month that we had hoped to finalize in, we were told that the judge was going to give the parents one more last chance. If they could get their life together, and keep it that way for two months, they could have the kids back. AHHH! We were devistated all over again. We didn't even know that he could do that. But, all there was to do was wait. We enlisted the help of friends and family members, and had prayers, and a weekly fast that whatever was right would happen. We just waited. And for once, the parents started getting back on track. They cleaned up their act,and kept it that way for a month, then nearly two. We were starting to think that the kids really would go back to them. Then, by a miracle our wonderful attourney convinced the judge to extend the trial period for one more month. At that point, even our little branch was fasting and praying with us. Still the parents were sticking with it. It looked again like we were going to lose our sweet little family. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, the parents fell off the wagon. They were both found doing meth again, and they stopped going to counseling. The judge decided that this was it. He ruled that they would never get another chance at these kids. It was bitter sweet for us. How sad that they were back on that same dead end road, and that they would give up that easily, but at the same time YAY FOR US! We were finally feeling like we had the end in sight. We had a date set to finalize the end of May. We had learned though, don't bank on anything until you have it in your hands, so we didn't dare book the trip. We were right, as they ended up bumping it back a few weeks until June. Finally in the middle of May we decided to book a flight (No way were we going to drive that trip again) We also set up a time at the temple to be sealed a week later. But, of course it couldn't be that easy. Our regular LACDCFS case worker got sick and our case was reassigned to another CW. She was new, and for some reason didn't know what to do or something. When I made my daily phone call to her she told me that she didn't have any of the paperwork for the whole case, and unless she could dig it up somewhere, we wouldn't be finaizing on our date. Now, I don't know what she was doing or why, or even if she had the right to stop us from finalizing, and I didn't know what paperwork she specifically needed as she wouldn't tell me, but Heavenly Father tells me stuff, and somewhere along the line I had learned to listen. I had saved and documented every piece of paperwork involved in our case. I even had paperwork I wasn't really supposed to have. I had things from the entire process including the history of the kids before they came to live with us. All total I had over one thousand pieces of paper, and I faxed every single one to her. I also FedExed a copy of everything to her. The next day she called and yelled at me for doing that, but she did tell me that we were on for the 9th of June! We made it to California on the 8th of June, though everything from a car accident to Troy forgetting his wallet tried to stop us. The parents had made threats to take the children back, so we had been assigned a guard to stay with us while we were at the court house in California. We found our motel and settled in for a night of NO sleep. The next morning we went to the children's court. We were supposed to go in at 8am. At 11:30 we finally entered the courtroom. It was an awesome experience as we were sworn in and vowed to love the children as our own. We were able to take a picture with the judge, and both kids were given a stuffed teddy bear and a balloon. We were also able to, for the first time, meet in person, our wonderful attourney and several of the social workers who made our perfect day possible. We all seemed to breath a sigh of relief. I literally felt lighter. I don't know how else to explain it. It was a physical change as all of the worry lifted. I was almost lightheaded. Adia seemed to express what we were all feeling as we left the court room, she blew the judge a kiss. Oh, what a wonderful day! We went back to the motel room and all of us fell asleep. We slept for seven hours, unheard of for Ethan. It was as though we hadn't slept for all of that time and we were catching up. We were able to stay a few days, and visit with the birth family and also with Kyle. We went sight seeing, and to Knotts Berry Farm. It was a much deserved vacation. When we got home we set out to get ready for an even more important day, Temple Day. From the very beginning we had been telling the kids about going to the temple. We had explained what we could about being sealed and how it meant that we would always be a family. Ethan, especially had become fascinated with the temple. He kept asking every day when we could go in. He wanted to go see Heavenly Father and Jesus, and meet Angel Moroni and play his "Doo-da-doo" It was the most exciting day we could imagine. It was the best day ever! Ethan didn't get to meet Moroni or play the "doo-da-doo", but he says he saw Jesus, and I believe him. And that's the end, or the beginning, however you want to look at it. We are a family now, and no one can ever take that away from us. Both kids continue to grow and improve. Ethan especially improves every day. He isn't even the same kid anymore. He has been excelling in a mainstreamed class at school for two years now - take that all of you "experts" who said he would never get out of Kindergarden! :) He still has his struggles, but we have our groove down now, so we are working through it. Adia is a spitfire. She has her own opinion, and you can't change it. She still excels at everything she does, which is only a little bit annoying:) She is still her brothers biggest fan, and also his biggest protector. They are best friends. They are truly our family. They even look like us now. Adia has blue eyes and blonde-ish hair like me, and we have exactly the same nose. Ethan has dark brown eyes and brown hair like Troy, they both have the same high cheek bones and stubborn chin. If you didn't know, you would never be able to tell that they aren't ours. I giggle every time someone tells Adia "you  have such pretty eyes, you look just like your mom." The Grandparents are both still living and though they struggle sometimes, they seem to be doing well. The birth parents are currently doing very well.

Part 3: Placement

So I totally slacked during Thanksgiving and didn't post everything I wanted to. That puts us a little behind in the story telling portion of the program. Luckily there are two more days and two more parts to the story, so you things will work out fine.:) If you missed the first two parts, you can go HERE or HERE to catch up. Enjoy!
Baby Tabbitha had been placed in a foster home, but not with the grandparents. They knew they couldn't handle both of the kids.We were warned that because we were adding another baby to the mix it was going to take a little bit longer to place them with us, but they assured us it would only be about two weeks. So we set up a nursery for a baby girl. We painted and set up a crib and changing table, and had everything ready for our new baby girl. And then one day we got a call from the LDSFS Social worker in New Mexico. The state appointed attorney who represented the kids had found out that we were "Mormons". (Evidently she didn't realize that "LDS Family Services" and "Mormon social worker" meant the same thing for all of these months:) She didn't like Mormons, and thought we were trying to hide the fact that we were Mormon by calling ourselves LDS. She petitioned to the court that we not be granted custody of the kids because of the kinds of religious practices we were a part of. The judge who was over the case thought that families should be kept together, and had been trying every method possable to get the parents to take custody of Ethan again. He had told them that if they would go to counseling and get a job and a home (At that point they were homeless) they could have the kids back. Then the attorney suggested that we not be aloud to take the kids and he jumped right on board with her. At our court date in February it was determined that we would not be getting either child. We were devastated! For days I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't eat or sleep. I took down everything from both kid's rooms and put it in the storage shed. I was truly heartbroken. But, Heavenly Father won't let a silly closed minded attorney stand in the way of His great plan. He blessed Troy and I with an added dose of strength, and "blessed" the attorney with a life threatening illness which took her off the case:) (No really, I'm sure Heavenly Father doesn't make people sick for other people, but she did get a rare blood disease at a very convenient time for us) Our new attorney pled with the judge to let us get the kids, and finally he agreed that we could get Ethan, but not Tabitha. We were sad, but eventually alright with that. After all, Ethan was the only one we had actually known we were supposed to have. He was our son, and we were told we could expect to pick him up in a couple of weeks. We were so excited! 
But then the judge remembered that he wanted to keep families together, and said we could have both kids! Again we set up both rooms, and were awaiting placement. Then the parents went to therapy, and the judge decided that he would keep the children in California and give them back to the parents when they completed his terms of rehab. We took down the rooms once again. Then the parents stopped going to therapy, and we were back on to get both kids. We were told that we would get them in two weeks. This was the end of March. Amid all of this we were also dealing with four different social services offices. Messages kept getting lost. Everyone had a different story, so even when we were up, we weren't sure, and when we were down, we still had hope. No one was on the same page, and no one could manage to get all of the paperwork they needed. It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I hadn't gotten a new job when we moved because I thought we would be getting Ethan any time, and the church knew I would have my hands full when Ethan came so I hadn't even been given a calling. All I had to do all day was worry and stress over the kids I may or may not ever have. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family, or I never would have made it through. I really learned to lean on other people, which is something I had always had a hard time with. I also learned the power of priesthood blessings at that time as I had a lot of them, and know I wouldn't have made it through without them. So, our current "two weeks" were almost up, and we were making plans to go to California when all of a sudden the grandmother took a turn for the worst, and Ethan had to be placed somewhere else. It was decided that he would be taken to the home where Tabitha was living for a few more days until placement, and then both kids would come home with us. A few hours later we got a call from Michael from New Mexico. He had just gotten a call telling him that the foster mother had insisted Ethan be taken from her home. She had said that the entire time the kids were together both had screamed. She said that the baby really upset Ethan, and he kept screaming and thrashing around. The foster mother had finally had to lock herself and the baby in her bedroom to stay safe from this "violent and ferocious" little three year old, and she called social services. She said she had been doing foster care for 20 years and had never seen anything like it, and recommended that the children be separated. (What we didn't know at the time, but found out later, was that all of this time the LA County social worker had been telling her that she would be aloud to adopt Tabitha. LA County has such a large amount of foster kids that they often don't have enough homes for them. This lady had decided that she didn't want to do foster care anymore, but she did want to adopt a baby girl. The social worker told her that she could adopt Tabitha so that she would take her in. All of this time the foster mother had no idea that we even existed, or that there was a chance she would not be aloud to keep the baby. Then Ethan came into the picture and the truth came out.) So a quick judgement was made. We would only be aloud to have Ethan. We could pick him up in "Two more weeks" while he stayed with an aunt in the meantime. But, the kid's family really wanted the kids to stay together, so they requested that we be aloud to adopt both kids anyway. Between them and the hard working attourney the judge agreed to look into it. Again the issue of my age was brought up. I don't have any idea what that has to do with my ability, but aparently it is a determining factor. Luckily, before we moved I owned my own preschool and daycare, and before that I had worked with head start. We had to get letters of reference from all of the parents of the kids I worked with plus all of the teachers I had worked with at headstart talking about my ability to deal with children and problems. We had to get letters of reference from all of the people Troy worked with when he was a job coach, and still it didn't look like it would be enough. But finally after begging and pleading, and jumping through every hoop imaginable, the judge gave permission for us to get the kids. But, we didn't have a date. We figured it would be about "Two more weeks" because that was what they had been telling us since January-it was now the first of May. Then on May 12th Kyle called. He told us to get to California fast! He said that there would be a placement the next day at 8:00am. We would be picking up Ethan then. He didn't know about Tabitha, but we did know that this gave us 18 hours to make the 12 hour drive. We frantically threw clothes in the car, grabbed the carseats, and hit the road. We called our families and Troy's boss from the road. We didn't have a moment to spare. We made the trip only stopping for gas, and arrived in California at 4:00 the next morning. We found the only motel in sight and got the only room available. It was the scariest place we have ever stayed, with bullet holes in the windows and a huge black hair in the shower. We didn't care, we were exhausted. We both showered and layed down, but the anxiety kept us from sleeping. We were waiting for Kyle when he got to his office at 8. He had us sign papers for both kids though he still wasn't sure who we were getting. Then we made the trip to the LA County DCFS. We were asked to wait in the lobby while the social worker came out. She was carrying the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. The social worker handed her to Troy and said "Meet Tabitha" Without a word, Kyle grabbed the camera from me and started snapping pictures. We looked at her and she smiled. We were instantly in love. We didn't know what had happened with the foster mother who thought that she would be adopting this beautiful baby, but my heart ached for that woman. I knew what it was like to have your dreams of a baby ripped from you, and I was sure she was hurting. 

The first time I held Adia (at that point she was Tabbitha Marie)

Anyway, we signed papers and then headed off to Ethan's Grandparent's house to pick him up. We were getting both kids! The whole family was there to say goodbye to him (With the exception of the parents) We stayed there for hours and heard stories of the family, and looked at photos. We didn't want to say goodbye because we knew what that would mean for them. The family was wonderful and we loved getting to know them, but we were excited to start our family, and we had a long drive home. Finally we got up the courage to say that it was time to leave. We loaded up the car with all of Ethan's clothes and toys,and then it was time to say goodbye. That was the first day that we had ever thought about what this would be like for them. We had considered our own feelings, and the feelings of the kids, but we had never even thought about the family. They were excited for us,and knew we were the right match for the kids, but still, they were losing their family. How hard. They were all crying, and their hearts were breaking- we knew how that felt, and we cried right along with them. Finally we got into the car and headed out. 

Kyle and Ethan "dumping Elmo" at the Fernandez house on placement day.

We drove a few blocks and then Troy pulled over, and we screamed and shouted, and did the happy dance. We were thrilled! Our journey had finally begun. We were a family! We got back on the road and started driving. Then we realized that we hadn't called our families all day. We had turned our phones off, and we each had over ten messages from our frantic mothers wondering what was going on. We called everyone with the news that we were now a family of four, and were met with many screams and cheers and tears Our 12 hour drive ended up being a 23 hour drive home. (We had never traveled with kids before so we didn't know it would take so long.:) We hadn't slept in nearly 48 hours, but we were so pumped up we didn't need to sleep. We also wanted to get as far away from California as fast as we could. It was as if when we crossed the state line we would finally be safe, and no one could take our family away from us again. We just drove through the night. As we drove, we talked about Tabitha. She didn't look like a Tabitha. We pulled out the name book and started looking. We both had a list that we liked, but we came across the name Adia, which means "Gift from Heaven" We think she was sent here by my great grandma, so she kind of is a gift from heaven. It just fit, and somewhere in Nevada she went from Tabitha Marie to Adia Bailey. (Bailey was Troy's Grandma's maiden name) We finally got home about 7PM the next night. My mom and sister had put together a party for us with banners and balloons, tons of food, and family and friends to welcome us. When everyone finally left we fell into bed. We made the kids sleep with us that night, and kept waking up over and over to be sure that we were all still there. We were both afraid that we would open our eyes and it would all have been a dream. 

Little Wonders

Have you seen Meet the Robinsons? If not, you should. It's one of my favorite Disney movies of all times. It is about loving the life you were given, never giving up, loving yourself just the way you are, oh yeah, and adoption, of course! :) I love the song Little Wonders at the end, I think it can speak to all of us about the crazy twists in life. Just enjoy them because you can't change them, and someday you might look back and realize that your hardest challenge is actually your biggest blessing.

Our Story, Part 2

This is the second part of our adoption story. If you want to read part one, go HERE. And don't forget check in next week for the final chapter.


Kyle told us a little bit about Ethan. He had been taken away from his parents by the state of California (LA County) because he was being severely neglected and abused. He was now in a foster situation with his grandparents. Both grandparents were quite sick, and unable to care for a child with Ethan's needs, and there were no other family members who could take him in. They had decided to place him for adoption. He had been placed in three different homes by LA County, but each time they sent him back saying that he was too much to handle. Finally the court gave the grandparents the right to seek a family for Ethan. The grandmother had been baptized in the LDS church when she was a girl and then never been back again, but she liked the church and the way she had felt when she was there, so she went to LDSFS to get their help finding a family. Kyle told us he would send some information about Ethan, and then we could decide if it was right for us. We tried to tell him that we already knew he was our son, but he insisted on sending us the info anyway, he rightly didn't want to place Ethan in a home that wasn't right for him. We agreed, and as we hung up he said that maybe we were only instruments in helping Ethan find his real home. Maybe he wasn't for us, but for someone we knew. In a few days we did get Kyles info- pages and pages of info from LA County. It put the scary memo to shame. It told of the horrible state Ethan was found in- with the skin on his bottom attached to the diaper, he had been so long without being changed, He was malnourished, unresponsive, unable to walk or talk, or sit up on his own. It told of his diagnosis of several different disorders or disabilities (Although a few contradicted themselves such as Autism and ADHD - You generally can't have both) It told about his current living situations, and the laws that he was living under, being a ward of the state. It was SCARY! It was page after page of scary. We read it all, and when we were done we turned to each other and said, "maybe Kyle was right, we are just helping hands to get him where he needs to go. Surly we can't handle all of this." But then a miracle came in the form of an old family friend/ church leader, and we knew it was right. We called Kyle and told him we were sure, and asked when we could go pick Ethan up. We really were that out of the loop. We thought that was how it worked. He needed a home, we needed him, we could just go pick him up and he would be ours. Kyle asked us to contact the LDSFS in our town in Utah, and fill out our paperwork to get started-we hadn't even done that yet. This was in October. Kyle said that because of the situation he didn't see any reason why we wouldn't have our son for Christmas. Then we went and filled out our paperwork and met with a caseworker. After finding out more about us he decided that this was not the child for us. We had just barely been married for two years, and I was just 21, much too young and naive to deal with these kinds of problems. Like he got the right to determine our life, and what I was capable of handling. But he did, so we went back home and called Kyle. He said he would try to figure something out. He called a little while later and asked, if we had ever had any experience with people who had special needs, specifically those that Ethan had, or if we had ever taken classes in college that studied any of those things. In fact we had. Troy was working as a job coach for people with disabilities, and I was in the middle of earning my degree in education, with an emphasis in Special Ed. Not only that, but we had my niece, Kalista, who had been diagnosed with autism two years earlier! Not only were we a part of her life, but I had attended autism conferences and seminars and had a fairly good understanding of what was required. That ended up being enough to convince the judge that we would be fit parents. Kalista had helped us.  And because Ethan was a ward of the state the judges decision overpowered that of the CW. By that time it was the middle of December, so we still thought we could make our "Family for Christmas" goal. But then some of our paperwork got lost in the mail, and our dreams got pushed back another month. Ethan's birthday was the end of January, and we were told we would definitely have him by then. We were able to make a trip out to California to meet Ethan just after Christmas. We sat in Kyle's office nervously waiting for Ethan and his grandparents to arrive. Suddenly the door banged open and in burst the most beautiful boy we had ever seen. He had deep brown eyes and dark curly hair. We could instantly see the signs of FAS, and a few of autism, but we also noticed his smile, which spread across his face as he spotted us. His dimples got deeper and deeper as he came right over to where we were sitting. He climbed up on my lap, looked right at Troy, and said "Hi Dad" We were stunned. He knew, just like we knew, we were a family! We looked excitedly at Kyle who just smiled and said, "don't get too excited, he calls everyone that." Oh, well, that was all we needed anyway, and we quickly got to know him. We went to a park and one of us would chase after Ethan while the other would talk with his grandparents. We learned a lot that day. We learned that Ethan was FAST! He was very clumsy and fell down about every fourth step, but he still could run, fall, stand back up, and be running again before you could catch him. He was a tease, loved to make people laugh, and was very interested in everything around him. He was also very compassionate, and full of love. We also learned a lot from Ethan's grandparents. We learned about Ethan's family, his parents, and what had lead all of us to that point in our lives, we learned about abuse his parents would do to him such as dropping him on his head, and trying to drown him. We learned how sweet and wonderful the grandparents were, and instantly fell in love with them too. By the end of the trip we were so excited. We could hardly wait.
At a family party a week later we were telling everyone about our great adventure. My great grandma, who I have always been very close to hugged me close and told me how she just knew we would have our family soon, and not to give up hope. Then looked deep into my eyes as she said, "I will do anything I can to help you get your babies." It was a significant moment that stuck with me. I knew she meant what she had said, but I didn't think much of it at the time, I mean, what could a 90 year old woman do to help us have babies? Well, January came, and so did a new job for Troy. It was a job that we had applied for months before, when we didn't know about Ethan. It was in the town where our parents lived and had been a dream of ours for a long time. But the town is a tiny little place in southeastern Utah with a population of three hundred people. Not only was it clear across the state from where we were currently living, but it also had no adoption agencies of any kind. In fact, the closest LDSFS was in New Mexico. We started working with a social worker, Michael, from then on, and it was nice to have someone closer to talk to about everything. The distance made some problems for the adoption, however. LA County didn't understand why we had a social worker in Cedar City, where we started the process, a social worker in California, and then a social worker in New Mexico. They decided that if we couldn't figure out a way to get a social worker in the same general area as us we would not be aloud to adopt Ethan. But, miracles do happen, and we were able to arrange for the CW in New Mexico (Who was only two hours away) to contract with the next closest LDSFS in Richfield Utah (nearly four hours away). He would send our home studies and paperwork to Richfield, they would type it up on their letterhead, and put it in their files and send it to LA County. For some reason that seemed like a better situation to them, so we were back on track. However, the figuring out of everything pushed us back a little farther, and with so many different people being involved, paperwork kept getting lost, so we were falling farther and farther behind. We weren't going to get Ethan by his birthday on the 29th of January. That day was a sad one for us, and it was made worse by the fact that my dear Great grandmother passed away then as well. For the next week I was heartbroken. I was getting discouraged, and missing my Grandma. Then Kyle called me. He told me that I had better sit down. I just knew it was going to be bad news, and I almost told Kyle I just couldn't take anymore. I was tired of being given the run around, I was tired of the emotional roller coaster, and that day was just not a good day for me. If he was calling to give me anymore bad news he could just save it. Fortunatly I didn't say any of this, I just thought it:) Then he told me that Ethan's parents had just given birth to a baby girl. The judge didn't want to separate the kids, so he wanted to know if we wanted the baby too. She had been born with alcohol and meth in her bloodstream, and was low birth weight, but other than that seemed to be healthy. I told him that of course we wanted her too, then I hung up the phone, and sat down and cried because I just knew that Troy was going to kill me. After all, it had taken no less than a series of miracles to convince him that we should adopt Ethan. What would he say when I wanted to add a meth baby to the mix? Fortunately, he was as excited as I was, and we set out to make a family of four. Suddenly we realized that Grandma's death, and the baby's birth coincided. It was like, true to her word, when Grandma got to heaven she sent this baby down to us. She really had helped us get our kids. And that is totally like her personality. Things weren't working out the way she wanted them to, so she had to go up there and take care of it herself.

Guest Post - The Maxwells

You know how sometimes you meet someone and they are just exactly the right people you need in your life at that exact moment? That's how I felt when I met the Maxwells. Troy and I had been married for about a year, and had just found out that we couldn't have biological children when we bought our first house it Enoch, a little town just outside of Cedar City. Everyone there was super nice (it is actually STILL my favorite place I ever lived) but we felt a little out of place. The ward was FULL of new families, so it seemed that everyone had kids, and we felt like we didn't belong. No one really knew that we were struggling with infertility, so we were just "the people who didn't have kids" and we were worried that it would effect our friendships in the area. But then we met the Maxwells. They didn't care that they had 4 kids and we had none. They didn't judge us or make us feel inferior. They just loved us anyway, no matter what. They invited us over, and spent time with us, and made us feel welcome. And then as we started the adoption process they asked about it and cared about us, and made us feel like we had someone on our side. I'm sure they don't know it, but they were a huge strength to us at that time in our life. And now they have an adoption story of their own to share. I am so happy for their family, and I am pleased to welcome Killeen to share that adventure with all of you...

 Brad and I have been married now for 15 years. Together we have 4 wonderful chidren. After our 4th child was born we had an unexpected tragity happen. I had gone to the doctor and was told that I needed to have a hysterectomy. I was 26 at the time, still quite young, it left an empty feeling in our little family. After a few years of praying, contemplating, and pleading to our Heavenly Father about what we should do, and  with just the right example of some wonderful friends (Troy and Katie). We had adoption on our minds, we started our journey with foster care, we talked to DCFS and everything was going well, then we strongly felt that it wasn't right for us at that time, we felt that we would get attached and then turn around and have the child taken from us back to its parents, and we just couldn't take the heartache. So we felt that we needed something that would be permanent. We went to LDS Family Services. After a 2 year wait, we had a meeting with our social worker, and he mentioned that they had been contacted by the state about two little boys that were in need of a home with a loving family. So we contacted DCFS about these boys. The feeling was so strong that these were our kids, without even meeting them first. The following week, we set up a meeting to meet them. We met at a local park. When Brad and I went to the car to help them get out of their carseats, we were greeted with the biggest smiles in the world from these two boys, and of course our hearts melted. We met with the boys once a week, which was never enough, for about a month and a half. We just fell in love with these boys. We learned that the parents were going to be relinquishing their rights, and that this was going to be a foster to adopt adoption. So our minds were at ease. But it wasn't for sure that we were going to get them. The state had to have a committee meeting and we were put in the runnings with 8 other families to get these boys. We were so nervous that we weren't going to be chosen. That evening we were to get a phone call telling us if were IT. Finally the phone rang and we were chosen. We were screaming and crying at the same time. We were so happy. We finally had our empty hole filled.

    We went into this expecting one, but we were blessed with two. We have had them in our home since July 5, so this coming January we are going to the Temple to have them sealed to us for Eternity. Even though we have been through lots to get where we are today, it is worth it.

Adoption Q&A

Well, Happy Adoption Awareness Day! I hope you go out and celebrate families today. As for this blog, I think it's time to get this party started! Thank you to everyone who asked questions. We had some great ones this year. 


Q: After several years of Miscarriage my Husband and I are looking into adoption. Do you have any fundraising ideas that have been successful? 


A: Options are unlimited when it comes to fundraising. The Sky is the limit. We didn't do any fundraising other  than both of us got a second job, but we have helped out with a bunch of great ideas, so here are a few: 
First of all, get a blog or website with a paypal button. It might seem lame, but if people know what your purpose is they are more likely to donate, plus it's a great resource to send people who have questions, it's easy to make up a little business card and give them to your friends and family to pass out to people they know. You'll be amazed at what a little networking can do, plus it doesn't cost much, if anything. 
Another great idea is a yard sale. Clean out your old junk, and advertise it as a fundraiser for adoption. You could even ask your church, neighbors, family, etc. to donate things. Once again this one wouldn't cost much, but the return is pretty good. And anything that doesn't sell, just list it on ebay or craigslist. 
You could make and sell things. (jewelry artwork, crafts, photography, whatever your talent is) 
You could have a fundraiser dinner. It is a little pricy upfront, but if you choose a simple and cheap menu, find a free venue, like a church or community center, get volunteers to help run it, and advertise like crazy you can make some great money. Plus if you tell people what it's for, a lot will just donate even if they can't make it. You could also do a raffle or silent auction at the same time. Get people to donate things, or ask at local businesses for gift cards or products. I have found that if people know it's for a good cause they generally have a pretty good heart. 
Ask your place of employment if they have funds set aside for something like this. A lot of places do, and if they don't they can help in other ways like advertising or donating etc.
There are some businesses like Applebees and Kohls and Sentsy that have fundraising opportunities that are really generous, check some of them out. 
And there is always the old stand by of a car wash or bake sale. 
If none of these sound appealing send me a message and we can talk about a few other ideas I might have.






Q: We are looking into both Domestic Adoption and Foster/Adoption. I have looked into several agencies, and really not sure what sure what i am looking for. Do you know of any websites or resources that could help in choosing a good agency? I really don't want to get scammed or go with an agency that is not in good standing.


A: I have only worked with two agencies, LDSFS and DCFS so I might not be the best person to ask this question to. I do have a list of agencies that friends of mine have used, if you are interested in that email me and we'll "talk". Also some good resources are HERE and HERE. But one thing that I can tell you is that your best chance of not getting scammed is to use a trustworthy agency. They can assure that you aren't being scammed, and if you are they will catch it right away before too much damage is done. The best way that I know to pick an agency is to check out several. Set up interviews, get to know them, ask them all of your questions, get references of people you could actually call and ask about their experience. If they can't provide you that, they probably aren't the right choice. You also need to have somewhat of an idea what you are looking for. You need to know how you feel about race, gender, special needs, age, etc. There are agencies that specialize in different areas, so figure out what you want and then find an agency to fit your situation.




Q:What was the transition like for Ethan and Adia and you once you became a family? 
A: The transition was something I hadn't really thought about before placement. I just assumed that because we were meant to be a family we would bring them home and it would be just like we had always been that way. But each of us had huge adjustments to make because each of us was coming from a different situation. Troy and I were coming from being just the two of us to two kids, one an infant and the other with significant special needs. Ethan was going from a very unstable environment where he was being shipped from foster home to foster home and back again to a VERY stable situation with rules to follow and people to enforce them. We also added the element of a baby sister to his life. Adia went from being the only baby in a single parent foster home to a home with two much younger parents and a wild brother. The kids also changed climates and that effected their health as far as breathing (HUGE elevation difference) illness (HUGE weather differences) and Allergies (WAY different pollen in the air) We all had adjustments to make. Troy and I thought we were pretty prepared because I had previously owned a daycare. SURPRISE! Your own kids don't go away at the end of the day, and there are no weekends or holidays. We also thought we had baby-proofed the house pretty well, and we had, but we hadn't Ethan-proofed the house one bit. Within the first 24 hours of being home Ethan managed to break most of my heirloom china and rip every single one of our wedding pictures. But in reality the kids seemed to fit right into our home, and they loved each other from day one. They both thrived in the environment, and that, in turn helped Troy and I adjust well too. But to say that things clicked from the first second would be untrue. We had many many days (weeks, months years...:) of messy houses, tv dinners, and me going to bed still in my pajamas from the night before. 




Q:Was it hard for Ethan to accept that he had a new Mommy?
A: He didn't have a problem with that at all. Actually, the fact that he didn't is kind of sad. His birth mom was not acting like a mom for the first two years, so he was kind of unsure about the role of a mother to begin with. Then he was put in his grandparent's home who were both ill and unable to really take care of him. They placed him for adoption where he was moved to several different foster homes and then put back with his grandparents, so to him "mom" was a word associated with the primary female caregiver. There was no love or attachment associated with it at all. So he accepted me as the new mom upon first meeting, but it took a long time before he figured out what a real mom meant.

Q:Does it bug you that we all forget that your kids are adopted?

A: Not a bit. They fit into our family so well, that sometimes it easy to forget that they haven't always been a part of it. I like that they have been so accepted by everyone. It makes me smile when people say thing like "she looks just like her mom", or "He has your personality". Adoption is not who our family is. Yes, it helped shape who we are, but there is a lot more to us than just adoption. It's only one aspect of our lives. We represent the kind of miracle adoption can provide, so every day we are open to talking about it, and sharing it, but we are much more than that too. So while I don't hide it, and I am proud of my little adoptive family, I also rejoice that it gets forgotten and acceptance and love takes it's place in our every day life.

Q: As a homosexual male, my partner and I have sound some resistance to our desire to adopt. Do you have any suggestions that might help us in our quest to become parents?

A: I don't personally have a lot of experience with this variable in relation to adoption, so I don't have a lot of advice. But I will say that I would work with an agency if I were you, and one that is known to work with homosexual couples. They would be more likely to understand your situation, and know what the laws and your rights are. They would probably also have more birthparents who are likely to not be judgemental about your sexuality. Also, I have heard (but don't know for a fact) that foreign adoption is easier than domestic adoption for the gay community to get approval.

Q: Don't you think open adoption is just... weird? I mean, how can you feel like the parents if the real parents are so involved? Doesn't that just make you like an intern babysitter?

A: No, I don't think it's weird, but I would be lying if I say that I totally understood it at first. I had some of the same questions as you, but as I have been involved in open adoption I have come to love it. I am the "real" parent. I changed all the diapers, quieted all the fears, kissed all the booboos, witnessed all the milestones. I'm the mom, for real. But the birth family is real too. They gave birth to real children, they made real sacrifices, they gave me the opportunity to do all of those real mom things, they have a real investment in the situation. But, in choosing to place (or in my case, choosing NOT to parent) they made the choice that I would be the legal parent to the child. I have rights just like any parent. If for some reason the birth family disagreed with my parenting, or a choice I made, I still have legal right to the child. They are MY children. Having a birth family involved just means that I have a much larger network of people who love, care about, and strive to help my kids. It's a bonus, not a struggle. And honestly, having gotten to know the birth family, I feel blessed to have them in my life. So, to answer your question, no, not weird, just different... and AWESOME!!!:)

Q: Most things that have an awareness month is in hopes of finding a cure. Why is there an adoption awareness month? Are you hoping to cure adoption? There already are some of those... parenting, abortion, contraception, abstainence... A: Adoption Awareness Month is not to find a cure for adoption, it is to find a cure for ignorance surrounding adoption. It is just what it says, it is to raise awareness that there is this wonderful beautiful option as apposed to parenting or abortion. There is an option for couples struggling with infertility other than loneliness or bitterness or longing. This month is for dispelling myths, educating others, and sharing the joy that can come from adoption.

Q: I know a few people that are trying to adopt and some for several years now. Is there anything that you would tell them if they are getting frustrated and ready to give up? Any words of encouragement? 
A: Mostly I would say hang in there and eventually they will be able to look back and see that it was totally worth the wait. However, I know from experience that those things are really easy to say when it isn't you who is waiting. There are also a lot of ways to hurry the process along. For instance there are some active looking ideas that can help you find more efficiently, and there are certain agencies that guarantee a placement within 6 months, and foster care will usually place quickly (though not all placements will result in adoption), etc. But I also know that it is something that needs to be approached delecately and is better if the waiting couple asks for advice rather than being told what to do. And also, I am one who believes with all of my heart that you can't rush it. When your baby is ready for you things will happen, and not before. And that isn't easy to hear when you are waiting either, but I have found it to be true. So my advice to you is to be a shoulder for them. Let them know that you care and are there to listen, but don't overwhelm them with questions about why it is taking so long. You can share their profile, pass out their pass along card, and tell everyone you know that they are looking, but other than that just be super positive and supportive, and wait.

Q: Who chooses what kind of adoption (open or closed) it will be? 

A: It is generally something that is agreed upon by both parties. You both work out the details prior to placement. Sometimes it is legal requirements that state how often and in what ways you contact each other, but more often it is just a verbal agreement. You can choose if you want visits and how often, or if you are more comfortable with just phone calls or just letters, it's up to you. With our family there is no set rules, but we try to go visit them once a year and we call on holidays and send a couple of letters a month. It works well for us, but you can have much more, or much less contact than that. It just depends what both of you decide.

Q: How did you explain adoption, "birth parents", etc without explaing the "biological details" when they were young? 

A: I am pretty open with my kids. They know their birth family, they know that they are adopted, and they know that babies grow in bellies. So I just explained it that adoption means that they grew in Skylar's belly because I couldn't grow them in mine, and then after Adia was born they came to live with me so I could be their mom. Now they have a little more information because they can understand a little bit more, but that's the basic story.

Q: Do the kids know the condition they were in with their birth parents? 

A: Yeah, mostly. Like I said, we are really open. They don't know the gritty details, but they know that their birth parents couldn't take care of them because they had some drug and alcohol problems. We talk about why drugs and alcohol are bad for us, because they can hurt more than just our own bodies. We talk about how much courage it takes to admit that you need help. They have a pretty good understanding about everything they need to know for now.

Q: How did you cope with the divorce, as far as getting through it with your children? I know that when I went through mine, it was a difficult thing, emotionally, as well as legally, but does the fact that they were adopted change things?

A: First of all, the first question, we got through the divorce by having open communication. My kids can ask me any question, or tell me any feeling they have, knowing that I will not judge them, I will not lie to them, and I will not turn their feelings into my own pain. They can tell me they are angry with me, and that's alright. They can tell me they miss their dad, and it doesn't hurt my feelings. They can ask me questions about how this will affect their future, and they know I will give them an honest answer. Sometimes that's hard, but it has made all the difference in the way the three of us have adjusted to this change, and the way we have grown closer in our relationship with each other. As for the second question, adoption doesn't really change too much about divorce. It doesn't change anything legally, when we finalized the adoption we became their legal parents, so divorce works the same way as it would with biological children. It does cause some concerns with Ethan emotionally but that has more to do with his attachment disorder and mental disabilities than it does with actually being adopted, and the open communication we have had has made it a good adjustment for him. The only way that adoption plays much of a part in our divorce is a personal one. I personally feel a lot of guilt. When we adopted our kids I promised that I would be a good mom. I would provide a happy, stable home for these kids. I would give them opportunities they wouldn't have with their original situation. I would give them a good family. I still provide all of those things for the kids, but I feel a little bit like I let everyone down. Obviously I couldn't have predicted the events that have led me to this point. I didn't know what was coming, and I have done my best to make their life just as good if not better than it was before the divorce. But obviously, things have changed. Are some things missing? Sure. Our life is not the same. Not every moment is a happy one. Have the kids been hurt? Yeah. So that is where the guilt comes in. I feel like I let the birth family down. Like the failure of my marriage is somehow a failure to keep my end of the bargain. I wonder if they regret placing the kids with me. I wonder if they wish they had chosen someone else, or kept them, themselves. I wonder if THEY feel I let them down the way I feel I have let them down. As an adoptive mom I have always felt a little bit of pressure to be the best mom ever, like I need to prove my worthiness or something, and the divorce really heightens those feelings, like I have even more to prove. Like now I not only have to be the best mom in the world, but I have to compensate, and be the best dad in the world too. I know that this is my own insecurities making me feel that way, but it doesn't change the fact that I do feel that way, and that I feel like I am failing miserably. And that's how, for me, adoption effects divorce.

Q: Do pass along card really work?
A: YES! For those of you who don't know, pass along cards are little cards, usually the size of business cards or slightly larger with pictures and information about a family who is hoping to adopt. They are a really great way to spread the word that you are adopting. You never know who you might encounter. Your mom might start talking to the girl who is cleaning her teeth about you and your hope to adopt, give her a pass along card, and then a few months later when the girl's roommate finds out she's pregnant the first thing that comes to her mind is you. (this really happened to a friend of mine) It's just a great way to network and get the word out. Print a bunch out, send them to all of your friends and family and ask them to help you hand them out. Any time the subject of kids or families, or home life, etc. comes up work adoption into the conversation and hand out a card. It's incredible how well it works. 

Q: Is there something I can do to be more sensitive than I am?
A: There are a lot of things you can do to be sensitive and support those who are experiencing adoption from any angle. The very best way, I think is to be there. Whether you are supporting a birth mom, and adoptee, an adoptive parent, someone who has just discovered their infertility or anyone else, it's important to let them know you care about them. Don't give advice, don't lecture, just listen. Another great way to be sensitive is to learn the lingo. Find out what your friend is talking about, understand the meaning of the words they use. Know to say "place" instead of "give up" the baby, and other things like that. Just be educated. And ask your friend what you can do to support them. They might need a night out, or a visit, or a brownie. They might need you to attend an awareness walk or hand out pass along cards, or write a letter or recommendation. Whatever they need, be there. And don't cut them out of your happiness. I know that there have been a lot of friends who don't share with me that they are pregnant for fear that they will hurt my feelings when in reality that hurts the most. If you are my friend I want to be happy when you are happy, so let me. Mainly, the thing you need to remember is to treat people the way you would want to be treated.


SO, I hope you enjoyed yourself. If you didn't get the answer you were hoping for, or if you have additional questions please feel free to ask them. Now on to the exciting part... THE GIVEAWAY!!!
And the winner is...










Drawn randomly using the name in a hat method by Adia's fat little hand...












Are you ready???

Bobbi! 

Yay! Go to The Adopt Shoppe and pick out your favorite 

INSPIRATIONAL WOODEN TILE NECKLACE

Let me know what you want and I will order it for you.

And if you are disappointed that you didn't win head over to the shoppe and pick out something nice for yourself. It's for a good cause.