Well, today is the last day of Adoption Awareness Month. Thanks to everyone who participated in one way or another. I had so much more planned, and I didn't get it accomplished... Oh well, there's no rule that I can only post it in November, right?
Anyway, a tradition I have each year is to post our adoption story. It's long but worth it, so if you have some time, feel free to read it HERE
But if you've been around a while and already read it, I want to share another beautiful adoption story with you. My friend Lindsey just adopted her third son a couple of weeks ago. Her family has had a rough year where adoptions are concerned. At the beginning of the year they had a failed adoption plan where the birth mother changed her mind before the baby was born. Then this summer they had a reversed adoption where the birth mother placed with them and then for various reasons changed her mind. (Please no unkind comments here, both of these women have rights, and did it for their own reasons. We don't know what is in their hearts, so we can't judge.) So this little angel and his brave birth mom has blessed them in amazing ways. Go HERE to read Lindsey's thoughts during the placement process. It is a beautiful story, and is beautifully written. But the thing that will get you is the pictures. As someone who has experienced this before, I can attest, the pictures truly communicate the feelings of the moment. Grab a tissue, because you're gonna need it!
And happy adoption awareness month!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Taco Tuesday?
A few weeks ago the kids and I were staying with my parents for the weekend. I had been outside workingwith my dad, and the kids were inside helping my mom make dinner. When we walked in I could smell that we were having tacos. I said "Oh, I think I smell Mexican!" Adia popped her head out of the kitchen and said "Well, there are two Mexicans in here, but if you smell something, it's probably Ethan."
Did you know Adia is Mexican? She is partially. Her Birth Father is part hispanic, and lately, for whatever reason, she has really been trying to connect with her hispanic haritage. One thing that I think is really important when it comes to adoption is to let the kids find out where they come from if they want. I'm not saying to force them to connect with their haritage if they don't want to, but I think that if they have an interest they should be allowed, and you should help them find out information that can help them discover that part of who they are.
I'm not hispanic, and I don't even know very much about that culture. Troy's Grandpa lived right on the Mexican boarder when he grew up, and his mother was Mexican and his father was American, so Troy has some Mexican blood running through his veins as well. However, his grandpa passed away several years ago, and other than owning a vacation home in Mexico, none of his family connects with the Mexican culture at all. So that isn't any help. We have been to Mexico on several occasions, but the area we go to is very "Americanized" and is a tourist town, so that doesn't give the kids a very good point of reference. So, the question is, how do I begin to help Adia connect with who she is?
I'm going to tell you what we are doing, and you are more than welcome to chime in with other advice or ideas in the comment section. This is something we are taking really seriously around here. (If you know Adia, you know that once she sets her mind to something you can't do anything but take it seriously) So we would love to hear what YOU do to honor your haritage.
1. We have a huge advantage in that we have an open adoption. We have the opportunity to ASK her birth family about their history. I'm not even sure how much they connect with that part of their haritage, but at least they would be able to tell us about their history, and give her a greater understanding about where they come from and what traditions are a part of their lives. Because this is something that she wants I think in this instance she should be the one driving the persuit of it. I want her to take the lead and I just back her up, so she is in the process of drafting a letter to her Papa Steve asking questions about her family history, where they started out, and how they ended up in California, what their traditions are, etc. It's something that she is really working hard on, and I'm impressed with the things she wants to know, and the way she's thinking it through. I hope that this will give us a starting place to do some good research.
2. We are trying to learn the language. When Adia was little she thought that "Adios" was a personal greeting to her. You know, ADIE-OS. (I'm slightly ashamed of the American accent that is promanant in her pronunciation of the word... who taught her that? :) She would say goodbye to other people using the same greeting, "Grandma- os" "Ethan-os" "Mama-os". We are moving past that now, and pushing on to real words. We are just in the beginning stages, but we are starting to learn. We found a really cool website that helps you learn in an easy way and we are all benefiting from this.
3. We are getting into the food. We are taking it beyond "Taco Tuesday" and trying real, authentic Mexican dishes. We have a few recipes that have come from Troy's family cookbooks, and have tried things like tortillas, stuffed jalapenios and tamales. We have also tried some things we have found on the internet. This is one of the questions in Adia's letter to her birth grandpa, if maybe he has some family recipes he would share with her.
4. We are reading books about Mexico, Mexican history and children's lives there. We have learned a lot, but would love any suggestions of websites or books, or movies that could help us.
5. Finally, I just let her "be Mexican". She doesn't look like it or act like it or sound like it, but it's part of her, and if she wants to embrace that part of her, my job as her mom is to support her in that.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Trusting in the Lord
I love this one. Even if this isn't your particular struggle, I think the lesson applies to everyone. God has plans for you, and sometimes it isn't what you have planned. But His view is always, ALWAYS better than yours, so even if it hurts a little bit getting there, the place He leads you is always the place you need to be.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Adoption and Abortion
Well, it's no secret that I love birth families. I think that they are the strongest, bravest, most selfless people on the planet. This is a really great video from the perspective of a birth mom. Check it out.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Handed down...
I'm pretty sure this is a real statistic :)
A lot of times people tell Adia or me that we look alike. We hear all the time things like "You have your mom's eyes." or "Your daughter has your nose." And always, always when someone says that we smile and say "thank you" and then we look at each other and wink and giggle. We laugh because we have a secret. While we do look a lot alike, she doesn't have MY eyes or MY nose or MY round face or MY elf shaped ears or MY crooked pinkies or MY monkey feet. While I do have all of those things, she didn't get them from me at all. It's funny because Ethan looks a lot like Troy too, and when we were together people never questioned if we were family because we looked like we "fit". I have no doubt that if Troy and I had biological children together that they would look a lot like Ethan and Adia. This isn't particularly common with adopted families like ours, and while it wouldn't make any difference as far as acceptance into our family, it does make me a little bit proud.
We have an open adoption with our kid's birth dad's family. When we picked Ethan up for placement we had the opportunity to meet a lot of the family in person, and to look through old pictures of their birth dad. I loved that because they look just like them as well. It's so cool to me to realize that there is a whole other family who has no biological relation to me whatsoever, but we have a bond through these beautiful babies, and we can share them AND share beautiful eyes and puggy noses. It's a cool kind of connection. Over the years I have been able to connect with some of the family through Facebook, and it's fun to look at pictures of their kids and see the resemblance to my kids. It's fun to see the kids "fit" there as well. That's the cool thing about open adoption. We have the opportunity to get to know where the kids really get these things. This is something we would always wonder about otherwise. So while I do think they get their awesomeness from me, there is quite a bit of that running through their biological family as well. :)
Saturday, November 17, 2012
5th annual Q&A - The answers.
Alright, we had some great questions this year, and I can't wait to share my answers with you,but before I do I want to add a little something. Every year I post the questions as direct quotes. The question you read here is the EXACT question I was asked (with the exception of: if the same question is asked by multiple people I choose just one question to post rather than posting all of them.) I feel like if I didn't do that I would be compromising the question. I feel really strongly about that. However, sometimes questions are not asked in the most appropriate language. Not like cussing, people, more like offensive wording. I post those questions word for word as well, and every year - last year in particular- I receive emails from people who think I should reword the question in a less offensive way. I'm not going to do that. BUT I have thought a lot about this, and I've come to a conclusion. Adoption Awareness Month is about educating people about adoption, and part of that can, and should include educating people about how to be supportive to the adoptive community, rather than offensive. A lot of times people use terms that they don't realize is grating on the nerves of people who are a part of the adoption triad. For example, a lot of people say " She gave up her baby." Imagine, if you were a birth mother and had made an unbelievably selfless sacrifice and you deserve to be honored for your choice, and people keep telling you that you "gave up". That probably wouldn't help your heart to heal, would it? The more appropriate term would be to say "She placed her baby for adoption". See, we are all getting smarter already :) SO this year I have decided to do things slightly differently. I am still posting the actual question, but I am addressing the more appropriate way to ask it. Please do not be offended if I do this on your question. I truly believe that each of you have the very best of intentions. I am just hoping to make a difference, and if I can change the language of even just a few of the people who read this, I feel like I'm doing something. So now lets get on with it...
Q: I'm not ready to adopt yet but am planning on it. Is there anything I can do to prepare (multiple years before being ready for it)
A: There are some great things you can do right now. First, it's a really great idea to figure out how you feel about adoption. I'm not kidding. Sometimes people rush into it, or make plans because they think that's what they are "supposed to" do. In reality, adoption is a big deal, and it isn't for everyone, so if you are thinking about adopting, you first need to figure out where you head is in regards to the real issues you are going to have to face. You can do this through seeing a counselor or psychiatrist, a church leader, a respected friend, through journaling - whatever works best for you. Another thing you can do is research. There are a lot of different options when it comes to adoption, and now is a great time to figure out which you are interested in and which you are not. You can also learn more about the process of adoption- this is something I wish I would have done before hand. And then there is always the money factor. Adoption is usually pretty expensive, and now is a great time to start saving up. Whatever you choose to do or not to do, good luck on your journey. If you ever have any other questions, please fill free to ask me.
Q: What if you are old (almost 46) and you think your home and your heart will have room in a couple years to welcome a little older kid, like maybe 8 or older but you really have issues with the foster care system? Are there other avenues to go through for something like that?
A:Opening your heart to an older kid is a great idea! Most kids over the age of 5 will never be adopted and eventually end up aging out of the system with no support to lean on as they go through those tough transitioning years. In my job, this is something that we focus a lot on - finding placements for older kids - if not adoptive, at least a supportive family who will give them a place to come for holidays and be there at their graduation to cheer them on. It makes a HUGE difference when it comes to how successful the child will be in the future. There are literally hundreds of thousands of older kids who are available for adoption in our country RIGHT NOW! Unfortunately finding them without Foster Care involvement is a very rare thing. There are a few options, for example, if the parent is going to terminate custody without having involvement from the state (for example, the teen is too much for the parent to handle, and they just can't take it anymore, and want to get rid of the child - surprisingly it happens), and you catch them BEFORE they relinquish or report to the court you could possibly work out a private adoption- though knowing someone who is going to do this, and catching them before they report it would be really rare. And it's not like you can put out an ad in the paper: seeking fed up parent of teen/ tween looking to free themselves of responsibility... I'm pretty sure there are laws against that:) Or, occasionally an agency will get a sibling placement with an older child - but that is rare, and most agencies now don't even accept older children now. And of course there is always international adoption, which would be the most likely way to find an older child. But unfortunately, if you want to adopt domestically, you will probably have to go through the Foster System. Believe me - I have first hand knowledge that a lot of people hate Foster, especially in your area, and I know that there are some huge issues that need to be changed - even as an employee, I can say that. But if you are really serious about adopting an older child, you will probably just have to jump through the hoops and deal with the system. There are some things that you can do to help the process run more smoothly though, and the biggest one is to become educated. If you know more about the process, you won't be blind sided by things the way I was when I adopted my kids. You will also be more patient if you understand why the laws are in place. It can also be really helpful to develop a good working relationship with your caseworker- if you realize that they really are on your side - and trust me, I see the inner workings of the office, so I know that they truly want to do what's best for the child - you will be more willing to accept the roadblocks that are put in your path by the LEGAL system (not the foster system). So, sorry that this isn't better news for you, but to answer your question, no, there really aren't many other avenues to pursue.
Q: If a couple would like to operate a foster home for children, how could/should one go about doing that? What does the couple need to have?
A: The absolute most important things that a couple should have is a lot of extra love, and patience. If you are going to be a foster parent, you will need it. The best way to get started with foster care is to contact the DCFS in your area. They will be able to tell you what you need to do. You will have to complete a homestudy, which will include a bunch of history, paperwork, letters of reference, background checks, home inspections, etc. You will need a home with a certain number of square feet per child, and it needs to be in good working order - properly functioning windows, indoor plumbing, free of hazards, etc. You will need to complete parenting classes, and be CPR and First Aid certified. This is basically it if you just want to be a foster family. If you are interested in being a foster HOME - meaning you can have several foster children at once on a transitional, short term basis, there are a few more requirements such as proper insurance and licensing- if that is something you are interested in the easiest, most affordable way to go about it would be to contract through a residential program agency. They can help you through the process and will secure your licensing and cover your training and insurance costs, plus they will be there to support you as you have questions or unexpected things come up.
Q: Knowing what you know now, if you could conceive children would you still adopt? why or why not?
A: I actually can conceive children, and I would be lying if I said that baring a child is not an experience I would love to have. If my circumstances change and I remarry before I am too old - which is coming up, I turned the big 3-0 this year :)- I fully plan on having that experience. But if I had it to do over again I do think I would still adopt. I have planned on adopting for my whole life, I just didn't think I would do it when I did. Our adoption experience was a really difficult one, but it was an experience that made me who I am, so yes, I would adopt again if given a chance. Plus, I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have Ethan and Adia. If you know us at all you are fully aware that we complete each other. Can you even imagine any one of us without the others? It just isn't even an option.
Q: Have you seen any major differences in your course work/ personal life with families that have a mix of biological children and adopted children, as opposed to just having adopted children?
A: I'm guessing that your question is referring to acceptance and bonding. (If not, I apologise and if you write me back to clarify I would be happy to answer the right question.:) In my experience I have seen parents with only adoptive children who love those children as much as they could ever love a child who they gave birth to. But I'm also seen the opposite. I have seen the same two sides with families made up of both adoptive and biological kids too. Sometimes the family bonds with all their children equally and sometimes there is favoritism- for either party. In my experience the thing that has the most impact on bonding and acceptance is not how the children came to the family, but the attitude of the family. If you, as a parent think of your children in terms of bio vs adopted then you will treat them that way whether you mean to or not. If you allow your kids to think in terms of being different from each other they will treat each other differently. If you love all of your children unconditionally no matter where they came from, what baggage they bring along with them, or what blood lines they have, they will know that, and your home and life will reflect it. The outcome all depends on your attitude. When you legally adopt a child you appear before a judge, raise your hand, and swear that you will love that child and treat it as if it were born to you. There is very specific language that is used, which I can't repeat verbatim, but it gives me chills each time I hear it. If you actually keep that promise, and love the child in that way it won't matter if you have biological children as well, your children will be YOUR children. In my experience, the families who take that vow seriously are strong and tight and full of love for each other. This doesn't mean that they don't struggle, all families do, but they have what it takes to pull through together. Sadly, this isn't always the case. And when it's not, the entire family suffers.
Q: I recently heard about adoption scammers. - What the heck?!
A: I feel the same way! Adoption scamming is a real thing. In fact, it happened to a good friend of mine a couple of years ago - she blogged about it, and you can read her story , updates, and the stories of others HERE. Basically, the short of it is that people prey on innocent families who are hoping to adopt by pretending that they have a baby they are planning on placing with this family, but they really don't. Sometimes they do it just for attention and excitement, (I believe that it is because they have some form or another of a mental illness) sometimes they might accept gifts, money, or other items, and they are doing it out of greed (Again, I suspect some mental illness.- I'm not saying this to be funny, I really do think that) Often people who are trying to adopt are a little bit vulnerable. Infertility and adoption can be pretty emotional things to go through, and these people take advantage of that. You don't really want me to get into this, because it make my blood pressure rise, and I go off on a tangent, but if you are interested in knowing more, really do go check out the link above. She does a really good job of explaining it - you will be horrified.
Q: What does your family think about having kids that don't really belong?
A: We don't have kids that don't belong, so I'm not sure what they would think. My kids have belonged since the moment we brought them home. I think you are probably asking what my family thinks about my having kids who were adopted. I am really lucky that my family and close friends see adoption the same way I do. They are my kids, they just took a different way to get here. Honestly, most of the time they forget that my kids weren't born into this family. They look like me, they act EXACTLY like me (this makes me proud and horrified all at once) they are mine. I appreciate my family and friends for accepting my kids with open hearts. "Adopted" isn't who my kids are, it's just a part of their story, and our support system gets that.
Q: Were you just devastated when you had to adopt instead of have your own kids?
A: I do have my own kids. They aren't biological, but they are mine. But I imagine the question you are asking is was I devastated when I found out that I wouldn't be having biological kids, and the answer is - a little bit. Troy (my husband at the time) and I had pretty different reactions to this news. I was sad - I had some heartache and I had to morn the loss of the life I thought I would have. But I owned that, and then I was able to build a new dream and be perfectly content and happy with that dream as well. Troy, on the other hand didn't do this the same way I did. (I talked a little more about this subject HERE) He let the pain eat at him - this was possibly because the infertility was on his part and he blamed himself for not being able to give me my dream, or it was possibly just the way he dealt with his pain, but he bottled it up until it effected the person he was. It changed him, and hurt him, and it's something that, even now, I think he is still suffering with. It's not that he doesn't love our kids, or that he thought adoption was a lesser option, it's just that he truly was devastated by the news. Everyone handles that kind of thing differently. For me, it was less painful than it is for most, and I don't know why. But I do know, that if you are struggling with infertility you need to not let it destroy you or define you. You need to deal with it. That doesn't mean "get over it", because I promise, no matter how well you deal with it, there will be days, even years later, that your pain will come back and slap you to your knees. It's not something you get over, but it is something you survive, and if you don't work on surviving I know from experience that it can eat you alive.
Q: My best friend and her husband struggle with infertility, and now they are beginning the adoption journey. Do you have any suggestions for ways that I can support her as she goes through this?
This was the hot question this year. I got 4 similar questions. I chose to post this one, but this answer is geared toward all of you who asked it, and you will all get an entry in the contest for your question.
A: When you haven't been through something like this it's hard to understand. You want to be there for your friend, but what do you say? You can't sympathize, you can't fix it, you can't stop the hurt. You probably feel really helpless. But the fact that you are asking this question means that you are already the kind of friend she needs. And, no knowing her, I can't tell you what to do, but I can give a few suggestions. First of all, it is better if the waiting couple asks for advice rather than being told what to do. If you tell them about how your mother's best friend's sister in law's neighbor got pregnant as soon as she started trying to adopt, or that if she would just relax it would happen, you are essentially just minimizing this incredibly difficult thing she is going through. Hold back on the advice and the encouraging stories, and just give her space to move forward the ways she wants.You should be a shoulder for her to cry on. You should let her know that you care, and that you are there to listen. If she has decided to pursue adoption, get educated about it so that you know what she's talking about and you don't overwhelm her with questions about what comes next, or why it's taking so long. If she hasn't decided on adoption, don't push it on her. You can share their profile, pass out their pass along cards, and spread the word - as long as she gives you permission first. Also, be patient with her. She might not want to go out on the town. She might not want to come to your house as often. She might love your kids, but she might just not be able to be around them all the time - it's nothing against you, it's just a painful reminder of something she doesn't have. I remember when we were trying to adopt, and it wasn't going well - we had just been told that our kids would probably be returned to their birth family, my best friends had their first baby. I went to the hospital and held their baby boy and visited with them, and all the while, my heart was breaking. I got in my car and cried all the way home and then climbed into bed and stayed there sobbing for the rest of the day. It was a lesson to me that I couldn't force things like that on myself. My friends were so supportive and understanding when I didn't come around again right away, or when I didn't want to hold him very often. They knew that I loved them and their little guy, and so they respected my process and never made me feel guilty for holding back a little. And now I love that kid like crazy and I squeeze him every chance I get! I guess what I'm saying is just love her. She'll make it through, but she'll need you. She'll let you know what you can do when she figures it out.
So That's the end of this year's Q&A. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. A big thanks to everyone who participated. You had some great questions this year. Now for the moment you have all been waiting for...
Q: I'm not ready to adopt yet but am planning on it. Is there anything I can do to prepare (multiple years before being ready for it)
A: There are some great things you can do right now. First, it's a really great idea to figure out how you feel about adoption. I'm not kidding. Sometimes people rush into it, or make plans because they think that's what they are "supposed to" do. In reality, adoption is a big deal, and it isn't for everyone, so if you are thinking about adopting, you first need to figure out where you head is in regards to the real issues you are going to have to face. You can do this through seeing a counselor or psychiatrist, a church leader, a respected friend, through journaling - whatever works best for you. Another thing you can do is research. There are a lot of different options when it comes to adoption, and now is a great time to figure out which you are interested in and which you are not. You can also learn more about the process of adoption- this is something I wish I would have done before hand. And then there is always the money factor. Adoption is usually pretty expensive, and now is a great time to start saving up. Whatever you choose to do or not to do, good luck on your journey. If you ever have any other questions, please fill free to ask me.
Q: What if you are old (almost 46) and you think your home and your heart will have room in a couple years to welcome a little older kid, like maybe 8 or older but you really have issues with the foster care system? Are there other avenues to go through for something like that?
A:Opening your heart to an older kid is a great idea! Most kids over the age of 5 will never be adopted and eventually end up aging out of the system with no support to lean on as they go through those tough transitioning years. In my job, this is something that we focus a lot on - finding placements for older kids - if not adoptive, at least a supportive family who will give them a place to come for holidays and be there at their graduation to cheer them on. It makes a HUGE difference when it comes to how successful the child will be in the future. There are literally hundreds of thousands of older kids who are available for adoption in our country RIGHT NOW! Unfortunately finding them without Foster Care involvement is a very rare thing. There are a few options, for example, if the parent is going to terminate custody without having involvement from the state (for example, the teen is too much for the parent to handle, and they just can't take it anymore, and want to get rid of the child - surprisingly it happens), and you catch them BEFORE they relinquish or report to the court you could possibly work out a private adoption- though knowing someone who is going to do this, and catching them before they report it would be really rare. And it's not like you can put out an ad in the paper: seeking fed up parent of teen/ tween looking to free themselves of responsibility... I'm pretty sure there are laws against that:) Or, occasionally an agency will get a sibling placement with an older child - but that is rare, and most agencies now don't even accept older children now. And of course there is always international adoption, which would be the most likely way to find an older child. But unfortunately, if you want to adopt domestically, you will probably have to go through the Foster System. Believe me - I have first hand knowledge that a lot of people hate Foster, especially in your area, and I know that there are some huge issues that need to be changed - even as an employee, I can say that. But if you are really serious about adopting an older child, you will probably just have to jump through the hoops and deal with the system. There are some things that you can do to help the process run more smoothly though, and the biggest one is to become educated. If you know more about the process, you won't be blind sided by things the way I was when I adopted my kids. You will also be more patient if you understand why the laws are in place. It can also be really helpful to develop a good working relationship with your caseworker- if you realize that they really are on your side - and trust me, I see the inner workings of the office, so I know that they truly want to do what's best for the child - you will be more willing to accept the roadblocks that are put in your path by the LEGAL system (not the foster system). So, sorry that this isn't better news for you, but to answer your question, no, there really aren't many other avenues to pursue.
Q: If a couple would like to operate a foster home for children, how could/should one go about doing that? What does the couple need to have?
A: The absolute most important things that a couple should have is a lot of extra love, and patience. If you are going to be a foster parent, you will need it. The best way to get started with foster care is to contact the DCFS in your area. They will be able to tell you what you need to do. You will have to complete a homestudy, which will include a bunch of history, paperwork, letters of reference, background checks, home inspections, etc. You will need a home with a certain number of square feet per child, and it needs to be in good working order - properly functioning windows, indoor plumbing, free of hazards, etc. You will need to complete parenting classes, and be CPR and First Aid certified. This is basically it if you just want to be a foster family. If you are interested in being a foster HOME - meaning you can have several foster children at once on a transitional, short term basis, there are a few more requirements such as proper insurance and licensing- if that is something you are interested in the easiest, most affordable way to go about it would be to contract through a residential program agency. They can help you through the process and will secure your licensing and cover your training and insurance costs, plus they will be there to support you as you have questions or unexpected things come up.
Q: Knowing what you know now, if you could conceive children would you still adopt? why or why not?
A: I actually can conceive children, and I would be lying if I said that baring a child is not an experience I would love to have. If my circumstances change and I remarry before I am too old - which is coming up, I turned the big 3-0 this year :)- I fully plan on having that experience. But if I had it to do over again I do think I would still adopt. I have planned on adopting for my whole life, I just didn't think I would do it when I did. Our adoption experience was a really difficult one, but it was an experience that made me who I am, so yes, I would adopt again if given a chance. Plus, I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have Ethan and Adia. If you know us at all you are fully aware that we complete each other. Can you even imagine any one of us without the others? It just isn't even an option.
Q: Have you seen any major differences in your course work/ personal life with families that have a mix of biological children and adopted children, as opposed to just having adopted children?
A: I'm guessing that your question is referring to acceptance and bonding. (If not, I apologise and if you write me back to clarify I would be happy to answer the right question.:) In my experience I have seen parents with only adoptive children who love those children as much as they could ever love a child who they gave birth to. But I'm also seen the opposite. I have seen the same two sides with families made up of both adoptive and biological kids too. Sometimes the family bonds with all their children equally and sometimes there is favoritism- for either party. In my experience the thing that has the most impact on bonding and acceptance is not how the children came to the family, but the attitude of the family. If you, as a parent think of your children in terms of bio vs adopted then you will treat them that way whether you mean to or not. If you allow your kids to think in terms of being different from each other they will treat each other differently. If you love all of your children unconditionally no matter where they came from, what baggage they bring along with them, or what blood lines they have, they will know that, and your home and life will reflect it. The outcome all depends on your attitude. When you legally adopt a child you appear before a judge, raise your hand, and swear that you will love that child and treat it as if it were born to you. There is very specific language that is used, which I can't repeat verbatim, but it gives me chills each time I hear it. If you actually keep that promise, and love the child in that way it won't matter if you have biological children as well, your children will be YOUR children. In my experience, the families who take that vow seriously are strong and tight and full of love for each other. This doesn't mean that they don't struggle, all families do, but they have what it takes to pull through together. Sadly, this isn't always the case. And when it's not, the entire family suffers.
Q: I recently heard about adoption scammers. - What the heck?!
A: I feel the same way! Adoption scamming is a real thing. In fact, it happened to a good friend of mine a couple of years ago - she blogged about it, and you can read her story , updates, and the stories of others HERE. Basically, the short of it is that people prey on innocent families who are hoping to adopt by pretending that they have a baby they are planning on placing with this family, but they really don't. Sometimes they do it just for attention and excitement, (I believe that it is because they have some form or another of a mental illness) sometimes they might accept gifts, money, or other items, and they are doing it out of greed (Again, I suspect some mental illness.- I'm not saying this to be funny, I really do think that) Often people who are trying to adopt are a little bit vulnerable. Infertility and adoption can be pretty emotional things to go through, and these people take advantage of that. You don't really want me to get into this, because it make my blood pressure rise, and I go off on a tangent, but if you are interested in knowing more, really do go check out the link above. She does a really good job of explaining it - you will be horrified.
Q: What does your family think about having kids that don't really belong?
A: We don't have kids that don't belong, so I'm not sure what they would think. My kids have belonged since the moment we brought them home. I think you are probably asking what my family thinks about my having kids who were adopted. I am really lucky that my family and close friends see adoption the same way I do. They are my kids, they just took a different way to get here. Honestly, most of the time they forget that my kids weren't born into this family. They look like me, they act EXACTLY like me (this makes me proud and horrified all at once) they are mine. I appreciate my family and friends for accepting my kids with open hearts. "Adopted" isn't who my kids are, it's just a part of their story, and our support system gets that.
Q: Were you just devastated when you had to adopt instead of have your own kids?
A: I do have my own kids. They aren't biological, but they are mine. But I imagine the question you are asking is was I devastated when I found out that I wouldn't be having biological kids, and the answer is - a little bit. Troy (my husband at the time) and I had pretty different reactions to this news. I was sad - I had some heartache and I had to morn the loss of the life I thought I would have. But I owned that, and then I was able to build a new dream and be perfectly content and happy with that dream as well. Troy, on the other hand didn't do this the same way I did. (I talked a little more about this subject HERE) He let the pain eat at him - this was possibly because the infertility was on his part and he blamed himself for not being able to give me my dream, or it was possibly just the way he dealt with his pain, but he bottled it up until it effected the person he was. It changed him, and hurt him, and it's something that, even now, I think he is still suffering with. It's not that he doesn't love our kids, or that he thought adoption was a lesser option, it's just that he truly was devastated by the news. Everyone handles that kind of thing differently. For me, it was less painful than it is for most, and I don't know why. But I do know, that if you are struggling with infertility you need to not let it destroy you or define you. You need to deal with it. That doesn't mean "get over it", because I promise, no matter how well you deal with it, there will be days, even years later, that your pain will come back and slap you to your knees. It's not something you get over, but it is something you survive, and if you don't work on surviving I know from experience that it can eat you alive.
Q: My best friend and her husband struggle with infertility, and now they are beginning the adoption journey. Do you have any suggestions for ways that I can support her as she goes through this?
This was the hot question this year. I got 4 similar questions. I chose to post this one, but this answer is geared toward all of you who asked it, and you will all get an entry in the contest for your question.
A: When you haven't been through something like this it's hard to understand. You want to be there for your friend, but what do you say? You can't sympathize, you can't fix it, you can't stop the hurt. You probably feel really helpless. But the fact that you are asking this question means that you are already the kind of friend she needs. And, no knowing her, I can't tell you what to do, but I can give a few suggestions. First of all, it is better if the waiting couple asks for advice rather than being told what to do. If you tell them about how your mother's best friend's sister in law's neighbor got pregnant as soon as she started trying to adopt, or that if she would just relax it would happen, you are essentially just minimizing this incredibly difficult thing she is going through. Hold back on the advice and the encouraging stories, and just give her space to move forward the ways she wants.You should be a shoulder for her to cry on. You should let her know that you care, and that you are there to listen. If she has decided to pursue adoption, get educated about it so that you know what she's talking about and you don't overwhelm her with questions about what comes next, or why it's taking so long. If she hasn't decided on adoption, don't push it on her. You can share their profile, pass out their pass along cards, and spread the word - as long as she gives you permission first. Also, be patient with her. She might not want to go out on the town. She might not want to come to your house as often. She might love your kids, but she might just not be able to be around them all the time - it's nothing against you, it's just a painful reminder of something she doesn't have. I remember when we were trying to adopt, and it wasn't going well - we had just been told that our kids would probably be returned to their birth family, my best friends had their first baby. I went to the hospital and held their baby boy and visited with them, and all the while, my heart was breaking. I got in my car and cried all the way home and then climbed into bed and stayed there sobbing for the rest of the day. It was a lesson to me that I couldn't force things like that on myself. My friends were so supportive and understanding when I didn't come around again right away, or when I didn't want to hold him very often. They knew that I loved them and their little guy, and so they respected my process and never made me feel guilty for holding back a little. And now I love that kid like crazy and I squeeze him every chance I get! I guess what I'm saying is just love her. She'll make it through, but she'll need you. She'll let you know what you can do when she figures it out.
So That's the end of this year's Q&A. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. A big thanks to everyone who participated. You had some great questions this year. Now for the moment you have all been waiting for...
The winner is...
Tashery W (you should get extra points for having such a great name. That was on my list when we were trying to find a name for Adia. I love it!)
I will be emailing you soon with info on how to claim your prize.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Get ready... It's the 5th Annual Adoption Q&A!
You ask questions about adoption - it can be ANYTHING. I am an open book, and I love to share, even the not so pretty parts of adoption, so there is nothing you can ask that is too personal or too in depth, or off limits. It can be about anything adoption related - open adoptions, birth families, resources, domestic, foreign, private, agency, failed, foster, general questions or specific about our story, anything you have been wanting to know and haven't had the guts or the opportunity to ask - now's your chance. (Trust me, last year had some doosies and I answered every one of them, so nothing you ask will be too much for me to handle.) We have had some really good questions over the last five years, and if you would like to review to get some ideas here are some links to the first four years:
2008
2009
2010
2011
You can either ask your question in the comments section here, or email them to me at eberling2@msn.com Also, if we are facebook friends feel free to comment there or send me a message - and if we aren't friends, WHY THE HECK NOT? Look me up (Katie Fuller Eberling) :)
So on National Adoption Awareness Day which is November 17th I will answer all your questions in one big wonderful post, and then choose one of you to be a winner!
What do you win? Well, I like to support people who are trying to adopt, and adoption can be expensive, so a lot of people do fund raisers or sell things to make money to help the cause. Each year I choose a business who's profits go to adoption and buy a prize for the winner there. This year I chose Virtue 75 They sell super cute paper crafts to support their hope for adoption. If you are the winner you will get an item of your choice from their shop! They also have a cute adoption profile to help them get their name out there. Check them out and if you or someone you know might be considering adoption, this could be the family you are looking for!
And, if you are trying to earn money for your own adoption and would like to be featured here, please email me and we can talk about it.
OR if you have a profile you would like to share, email me about that too.
Now start thinking of questions and get to asking! PS- you can ask as many questions as you want, and you will get a separate entry for every question.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Adoption Awareness Month!
You know I love it. It's my favorite month. (I secretly hope I've brought a few of you over to my side as well:) I can't get enough of an entire month of celebrating adoption. Every year I try to post about adoption nearly every day, and I love that. I enjoy sharing about something so close to my heart, and I have been touched in more ways than I can count by your comments and emails sharing your experiences and asking questions. I love the relationships the I develop with my readers during this month, and I don't want to give that up for anything. Unfortunately, life happens sometimes. If you are a regular here on my blog you have probably noticed that I'm not posting as often as I used to, and we should all blame life for that one! (or my ex husband - not that any of this has anything to do with him, but it still makes me feel better when something happens that I can't control, I shake my fist in the air and yell "dang-it Troy!" You are welcome to use that one any time, I don't mind - it totally helps :)... but back to the matter at hand - It has been an interesting few months around this house, and things are happening. We have some big things in the works, some trials, some triumphs, and some craziness. What we don't have going on around here very much, is sleeping, relaxation, and free time, and because of that the blog has been suffering. I know this, and I'm doing my best, but I think I need to warn you that adoption awareness month is not going to be the same this year. We are still going to be celebrating adoption, you can bet your buttons on that, but it is going to be less frequent this time around. We are still going to have our annual Q&A contest, a few guest posts, and some fun sharing though, so check back often so you don't miss out. And you can always read the posts from previous years, (type the word adoption into the search bar to the left.) And in the meantime enjoy this video. I've shown it here before, but it's one of my favorites, so enjoy... and if any of you want to help me out by offering to guest post PLEASE let me know- the only requirement is that you love adoption!
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