HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Looking back on a fantastic year, looking forward to a fabulous new decade...

(More pictures to come soon)

This. is. AWESOME!

I can't even contain myself, I am so excited. Like, really, I might wet my pants. I have a guest blogger, and she is amazing. You have all heard me talk about Mrs. R, or Lindsey, from The R House and you know how much I love her, but let me tell you a little bit about why. Though I haven't actually met her in person (One day though, ... I dream about it:), I have "known" her for a couple of years now. She is an adoptive mom, a beautiful person, and an adoption warrior. When I first "met" Lindsay I was still recovering from our adoption. I loved what adoption had done for our family, but I didn't love the pain that adoption had caused us. I needed a reminder of what a miracle adoption really is, and Lindsey offered that to me. She is so open and honest about the adoption journey, and her feelings as she travels the road to find all of her eternal family. After reading her blog I felt myself healing. I was able to work through some of the hurt that I didn't even know existed. She softened my heart and changed my way of thinking. I can't even put into words that great impact she has had on me. (Plus, she is so stinkin' funny and cute, I can't get enough of her writing!)
This past year she took all of her readers on a journey of a contested adoption, and held nothing back. We cried when she cried, we hurt when she hurt, we prayed and fasted, and rallied for her sweet family. It was an honor to be able to give a little back to someone who had helped me so much in my journey. We had plans for her to be a guest blogger during adoption awareness month, but we ran out of time. (She is the Adoption Wonder Woman so she is so busy all the time, not to mention that she is the mom of two darling boys, so she never gets a break.) But she is such a sweetheart that she didn't forget about me, and now she is going to share her adoption story with us. It's great! You are totally going to cry. You can just feel her spirit reach through the screen and grab onto your heart. So read it and you too, will fall in love with her. Then check her out at The R House full time. Thanks Lindsey!

Mr. and Mrs. "R"

Josh and I went through an agency called LDS Family Services when we started the adoption process. After finishing up the extensive paperwork, our adoption profile went online for others to view at www.itsaboutlove.org. We had several birth moms email us from the site, but after communicating for a day or two they all seemed to disappear. It was hard not to take it personally and feel rejected, after all, you are really putting your whole self out there for the world to see, judge and hopefully choose. Being "rejected" by birth parents was hard, but we had faith that God would organize a family for us if we did all that we could do.

One afternoon we were emailed by a young woman named Nicole who was 17 and 7 and a half months pregnant. The initial email she sent was similar to the other emails we had received from these brave young women, "Where do you live? What names do you like? What are Josh's favorite NFL teams? Could I still see the baby after I placed?" We answered her questions honestly, sincerely and quickly and waited like crazy for a reply. Several hours later if you walked into our little apartment you would have seen my 6'4'' husband and I sitting next to each other on the couch with the laptap on my lap, holding hands and bawling like babies as we read the most genuine and heartfelt email from Nicole. She described her heartache at discovering herself pregnant as a senior in high school with a boyfriend that wasn't acting like one. She described how lonely last 7 months had been and how she had made the decision to parent and even purchased clothes and toys for her little boy. However, she said that she realized that the future she wanted for her child with a mom and dad that loved each other and were devoted to each other in marriage were not things that she could provide at this time and she didn't think it was fair to ask him to wait. She told us, "After about 2 months of living in LaLa Land, I realized I couldn't do this and the baby deserved better so I started thinking about adoption."

It was a magical time in our house that night. We emailed back and forth with Nicole and her mother until the wee hours of the morning. The next day I had to pinch myself. "Was this really happening? Out of all the people in the world, did she really just choose us to be her baby boy's parents? Is this real?" I was in the clouds.

We soon made preparations to fly across the country to meet her at her home, to meet her family and get to know one another. It was such a special weekend. Where I once was afraid of birth parents because they seemed to be holding all the cards in my life, I now felt joy. Although I was so nervous to ring her doorbell and meet her for the first time, her loving heart and sweet spirit melted all that anxiety away.

Less than two months later we got a phone call in the middle of the night from Nicole's mom telling us to get on a plane and get to the hospital, that Tyson (a name we has selected together with the birth mom) was on his way and coming fast.

Tyson was born while we were somewhere between Utah and Colorado. As the plane touched down for a layover in Denver, we anxiously called the hospital. Tears rolled down my face as we listened to Nicole's mom tell us how brave Nicole was and how beautiful this perfect little boy was. It was heaven. I still tear up when I think of it.

After what seemed longer than two eternities, we arrived at the hospital. Josh immediately went in to check on Nicole. She had had some post-delivery complications that we were made aware of and was extremely concerned. I sprinted through the hospital hallways with him until we got to her door and then I froze. I couldn't go in. The hospital is an interesting place for a hopeful adoptive mother. You don't really fit in and from my experience, the hospital staff sometimes sees you as the enemy.

My hesitation stemmed from wanting to be as sensitive to Nicole and respectful of the incredible thing she had just accomplished in giving birth. I didn't want to offend her in any way. I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Although I was dying inside to see Tyson and kiss him and hold him, I didn't want to hurt Nicole in any way. Several minutes later, Nicole's mom came out holding this perfect little bundle of baby. She looked at me and asked, "Would you like to hold him?"

Although my heart was pounding "YES!", the words, "Are you sure it's okay with Nicole?" are what came out.

"It's okay. I asked her."

This is one of those slow motion moments for me. Nicole's mom walked over and placed this little man in my arms. My heart soared as I realized that this was the child I had loved long before I ever met him. His spirit was familiar to me. Tears ran down my cheeks as I held his little body. It occurred to me, "This is what motherhood feels like." It was one of the most profound moments of my life.

We spent several hours in the hospital with Nicole, her family and friends and visited her again the next day. The day after that was placement day. Placement day is bittersweet. Your heart hurts and soars at the same time.

We arrived at the hospital with an empty car seat and hopeful hearts that we would be bringing a baby, Nicole's baby, our baby home later that day. It was still totally Nicole's choice as to whether or not she would place or take Tyson home and parent. We waiting in the waiting room for several hours, signing papers and waiting to be invited into Nicole's room.

Josh and I walked into a very reverent and emotional room. Tyson was sleeping on Nicole's hospital bed in the outfit she had picked out for him and given me to bring to the hospital for this day. We smiled at her through tears and she got up to rock him in the rocking chair. I sat down on Nicole's bed and Josh stood next to me. We looked at this sweet young woman who was about to do the unimaginable. Her eyes were red and puffy not doubt from sobbing. Her mom's eyes were swollen as well. Gently, Nicole stood up and brought Tyson over to her mom for a kiss. Then she walked over to me. She looked at me and then put Tyson in my arms. I was weeping. Josh was weeping, but Nicole seemed so at peace. Josh gave her a huge hug and told her how much we loved her and how we would cherish Tyson. Then Nicole and her mom and sister gathering Nicole's things and went to leave the hospital room. Standing in the doorway, Nicole turned and smiled at us. What an angel. She will always be our angel.

I looked at Josh and said through almost hysterical sobs, "I can't believe that just happened." It was my 28th birthday. It was the best birthday I have ever had.

Handsome Mr. Tyson

Gavin's adoption unraveled a little differently. As his adoption is just barely final and just barely out of the legal risk zone, I won't do into too much detail, out of habit ...and maybe a little fear residue.



One week before Tyson turned one, my younger brother-in-law Chris, then 18, called me in the middle of the day. It's pretty rare for me to talk to Chris on the phone so I immediately answered wondering if everything was okay. He starts the conversation by asking if I had a minute to chat. He proceeds to tell me that one of his best friends since they were in elementary school discovered she was pregnant and has decided to place. I rejoice with him at the bravery of his friend named Joniece. He pauses and then tells me, "Um, yeah. She is considering placing the baby with our family."

"What?" I exclaim.

"She wants to place the baby with you and Josh."

"What?"

It was another one of those slow motion moments for me. Soon thereafter, we received an email from this brave young woman. Josh, Tyson and two of my dear friends who happen to be birth mothers were at our house when it arrived. I sobbed as I read this sweet soul piercing email aloud to everyone. There were phrases in that email that are burned into my soul. Phrases from the email like "And then one night I believe all my praying paid off because in my heart I knew adoption was the right thing, no matter how hard it would be. Even though it hurt, I felt a sense of peace with myself, and that let me know that it was the right thing to do." Then there is this one that made me appreciate how open Josh and I had been with our families about the adoption process, "Chris had told me about your adoption and your relationship with Nicole and I told my parents that was exactly the type of adoption I wanted."

And then there was this life changing paragraph, "So, if you guys were interested, I already know in my heart that there is NO other couple I would rather raise him, and no other family I would want him to be a part of, rather than my own. Although I already have a relationship with the Redferns, I would love to start one with both of you, as well as you guys with my family. That would be amazing. I am so relieved to at least know that you all are interested and to know that there are such amazing people out in the world such as yourselves."

We chatted on the phone with Joniece and her father that night. It was a perfect match. A few weeks later, we spent a week together at my in-laws house getting to know each other further and bonding. Later, we flew out to visit Joneice's mother and meet Joniece's siblings. We had a blast with them!

One thing led to another and Joniece disclosed to us that she wanted to come and live with us for the last month of her pregnancy. We were both humbled and thrilled to have her join us in our home. Joniece and I worked together with her insurance to find her a doctor that she liked in our area. I went with her to her appointments and freaked out with her at labor pains. We flew her parents in for Gavin's birth.

Joniece was scheduled for induction at a certain time and had invited us to the hospital so that we could see Gavin when he was just a few hours old. We waited in the waiting room until all the anxiety and excitement and nervous energy took over. Josh wanted to get Joniece some flowers, but we both decided the carnations in the hospital gift shop just would not do. He thought there might be one in walking distance so we took off. When we were about a mile away from the hospital, Joniece's mom called us inviting us to come and meet Gavin. Josh and I looked at each other and then started sprinting back to the hospital. I still regret my poor shoe choice that day.

We walking into Joniece's room, holding carnations, I might add, and felt so much love. Joniece looked amazing and her baby was gorgeous. We spent a wonderful afternoon together with her and her mother and various member's of Josh's family, especially Chris. Gavin's middle name is after Uncle Chris.

Gavin and his Mommy

Four days later, after watching her painfully relinquish her rights in front of a judge, Joniece placed Gavin in our attorney's arms outside of the courtroom and asked him to place Gavin in our arms. She didn't want us to see her cry. She later told me that she didn't want us to think that she going back on her decision.

That day was over a year ago and Gavin's adoption is just barely final. We have gathered with our team of attorneys in that same courtroom with that same judge over the last year and we have listened to the birth father create lies, share half-truths and slander our sweet Joniece. We have listened to her testify of her decision to place. She and I have squeezed hands under the table at depositions and held each other up while the birth father and his attorney try to tear each of us down. It is extremely difficult. Perhaps the most difficult part is that even though he has had our email address since before Gavin was born, he has never once asked about Gavin's well-being even after being told of a serious neck surgery Gavin would have to have at 4 months old. That hurts too because even though Gavin's birth father is not my favorite person on the planet right now, he is still part of Gavin. I desperately wish we could come to an agreement wherein we could have an open adoption with him and his family. But, that continues to be my wish.

Having had to fight for him and coming to the reality that he may not be in our home for always, makes me want to kiss on those fat cheeks of his even longer and cherish the moments we have with him all the more. It has been an honor to be his mother ...an honor that I have just come to realize with certainty that I will have for the rest of forever.

Gavin's adoption is beautiful and ugly at the same time. The beauty is that he is in our home and is the joy of our little family as he is the baby. He has the most darling dimples, the chubbiest legs and the funniest little waddle you have ever seen. Having his birth mother in our home so often as we have fought this legal battle together has been the silver lining.

The legal battle has been ugly, but we have come out of it with so much insight, many blessings and tremendous peace. We have come to more dearly cherish our little family and the time we have together. We have learned the real meaning of hope and have wearied God with our prayers. We have learned to work through fear. We have been taught how to survive in the most incredible circumstances.

The R Family

(PS They just got sealed to baby Gavin this week! Congratulations!)

Santa's Other Name

The other day as we were driving Adia asked, "Mom, do you know Santa's other name?"
"Clause?"
"No, the other one."
"St. Nicholas?"
"No, the other one."
"Father Christmas?"
" No! The OTHER one!"
This continued for a while as I racked my brain searching for the name she might be thinking of. When I was finally out of ideas I said "Adia, I don't know Santa's other name, could you just tell me please?"
She answered "Lane"
Lane is my dad's name, so worrying that she might know something a 4 year old shouldn't, said, "I didn't know his name was Lane"
"Well mom, haven't you ever heard that song 'here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Clause, Here comes Santa Clause Lane.'"
Oh, of course how could I not have known that?:)

What Adia Knows About Moms

Throughout the course of the year Adia has shared some insights with her teacher about mothers. I have been writing them down, but wanted them all in one place where I wouldn't lose them, so here are a few of the things Adia thinks about moms:
1. One day they were talking about their bodies. When they were talking about the heart the teacher told the class that the heart works all the time, day and night, "it never ever goes to sleep" Adia thought about this for a second and said, "Oh, so my heart is kind of like my mom, she never goes to sleep either."
2. Moms have eyes in the back of their head. (this one I have told her a time or two) She did something while her teacher's back was turned, then asked if the teacher saw her do it. When the teacher said she hadn't Adia said, " Oh, my mom would have been able to see it, because she has special eyes in the back of her head. That means that no matter where you go, or what you do, SHE KNOWS!. I think she also has special ears, because she hears everything too. I think that's something you grow when you become a mom."
3. " Moms can tell the future. Like if they tell you don't eat gum off the ground because it will make you sick, and then you eat it anyway when she isn't looking (Evidently my second set of eyes were off duty at this point) you really will get sick. She already knows."
4. "Moms are a little bit magic. When you tell your mom that you really wish you had a special magic wand for your princess fairy costume, when you wake up in the morning you have one on your dresser. And when your favorite dress is dirty when you take it off at night, it's always clean again when you wake up in the morning. (Thinking a little...) Maybe they only work magic at night..."

Right now she is really excited to be a mom someday so she can get all of the special powers. I just hope she isn't too disappointed when she becomes a mom and finds out that the magic is really elbow grease, and the never sleeping thing isn't as great as it sounds...

Dancing Queen

Last week Adia's dance class had thier winter review. We were able to go into the studio and watch as the girls danced their little hearts out. I love the reviews so much better than the big shows because it is much more intimate and you can really see the girls shine. Adia is doing great. There were many times when her teacher pointed out her movements as an example of what we should be seeing. She did a beautiful job, and we are really proud of her. There are a ton of photos, I know, but she was so stinkin' cute I couldn't narrow them down anymore than this.

The Polar Express

Last weekend -you know, the weekend that snowed 11 inches overnight, and made roads icy and even closed down the freeway for a while- yeah, that weekend, we traveled to Heber City for a weekend with our Eberling grandparents. The trip there was scary. There were people sliding off the road all over the place. Our kids thought it was great. They kept yelling and cheering "Whew, that car slid into the snow bank and you can't see the whole front of their car, AWESOME!" "Yeah! That guy just spun around and around in circles! That's so cool! Dad, can you do that?" I would have gotten pictures, but I was too busy clenching my cheeks (You know which ones...) and holding my breath, I didn't even think of getting out the camera. We finally got there and settled into the motel, and hit the pool. That was the real reason for the trip, because who doesn't travel 100 miles in the middle of a blizzard in order to swim in a mediocre swimming pool and soak in a crowded hot tub? They don't look very happy here, but they really were having a good time. It was the picture taking they weren't thrilled about, not the pool.

After we got back to the room and got all dried off and changed Grandpa pulled out a present. It turns out that while he was on his way up to Heber Santa came up to him and asked if he knew Ethan and Adia. Of course he said yes. (Sometimes I'm unsure whether to admit that I know them or not, but not Grandpa, he fessed up right away) Santa had a present for Ethan and Adia and wanted Grandma and Grandma to deliver it for him. So they opened it...

It was tickets to ride the POLAR EXPRESS!

Ethan was THRILLED!

He danced around.

And jumped up and down. (Good thing we were on the bottom floor)

Adia wasn't so excited, she just put her coat on and waited for us to leave.

Grandpa told us a story about Jesus while we waited to leave.

The train station was beautiful all lit up at night.

Then the train pulled up...

We sat down and waited to board.

True to her character, Adia did some window shopping at the gift shop while we waited.

The kids posed for pictures while we waited.

(There was a lot of waiting)

We took pictures in front of the train.

I took pictures of the outside of the train. I got a bunch of really pretty ones, but no one else thought they were quite as impressive as I did... Story of my life, mom sees beautiful art, everyone else sees a dirty old train...

This is Adia talking to Santa, but the lighting created a funky shadow, so you can't see her, and I didn't notice until later.

We rode to the north pole and had hot cocoa and Mrs. Clause's famous cookies. Adia sang Christmas songs, and Ethan licked to frost off the windows-yuck, I know. I took a lot of pictures, but with the rough ride of the train and the REALLY bad lighting (I'm not kidding, the power actually went off for part of the ride.) Not many of them turned out. Finally we got to the North Pole and Santa came on board. Adia still wasn't very excited, and sat down in the corner of the seat, not even wanting him to see her. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she was worried that she was on the naughty list, and she didn't want to face Santa and have him tell everyone that she wasn't getting anything for Christmas. I told her to ask him. When he came to us she whispered in his ear asking what list she was on. He told her that if she was good for the rest of the time until Christmas he would bring her something really good. That was all it took, she was excited after that.

After Santa left Mrs Clause came and gave us the Secret recipe for her cookies. One of the ingredients is an elf's giggle, so the announcer poked the elf until he giggled so that we could all catch a little to take home with us and use in our cookies.

Adia couldn't wait to see Mrs Clause. We wanted to visit with the person who "really runs the North Pole"

After all of that excitement Adia cuddled up with Grandma and fell asleep. Thanks for the great time Grandma and Grandpa, it is an experience we will remember forever.

Rotten

On Wednesday night I made carmels. It was a bit of a disaster. My candy thermometer broke, the pan boiled over, I burned myself a good one, you know, it was a basic cooking experience for me:) The Carmels taste yummy though, so it's alright. On Thursday I put some water on to boil for a potato soup I was making for dinner (Oh, it was SOOOO good, it almost make what comes next not such a big deal:) Then I got a phone call about some pictures I took last week, and I went down to my office to check something out, and then I got talking, and then I got distracted and started working on something else, and before I knew it, it was 45 minutes later and I was smelling smoke...
I rushed up stairs to see the entire kitchen filled with smoke. Flames were shooting out from under the stove top. It was a nightmare. But thanks to Ethan I am an expert firefighter and was able to put the fire out without too much damage. Once the fire was put out and things cooled down a bit I discovered that when the Carmel boiled over it went under the burner and I didn't even think of cleaning up under there. So when it got hot the it started to burn, and because it was sugar it made a TON of smoke. Yuck. I opened all the windows and turned on the fans (Can I tell you that it was 8 degrees yesterday morning!) and it cleared out the smoke, but the singed smell was still there. I decided that since it is the holidays I would mull some spices on the stove to overpower the charred Carmel. (I checked to be sure that nothing else would catch on fire first, I'm no dummy!...twice in a row anyway:) When Ethan got home from school it smelled much better, but still not great. He went to the stove, looked in the pot, and asked what I was cooking. I answered "mulling spices"
He thought about it for a minute and said, "Oh... Hey mom, does 'mulling' mean rotten?"
Yes Ethan, I'm cookin' us up a nice batch of rotten spices, Merry Christmas!

Traditions!

When I was a little girl my Grandma Wilcox used to make hand dipped chocolates for Christmas time. She actually had to start several weeks before Christmas so that they could have time to cure and be absolutely heavenly. She made all different kinds, some with coconut, some with nuts, but my very favorite, every one's favorite actually, were the cherry chocolates. I remember helping her and thinking that it was so much fun to take the fondant and wrap it around the cherry. then dip it in the chocolate. My grandma was always patient with me, and even though mine didn't look nearly as nice as hers, she never said a word about it. So this year I decided to have a go at it. Grandma lives hours and hours away now, so I was on my own. I did have her recipe, and two very eager helpers, so I thought I was set. I made the fondant.

I flavored some coconut, and some mint

and the rest were made into cherries

Then all the fondant goes into the freezer for a while to make the dipping easier.

Then you take a little paraffin wax and a little chocolate and melt it in a double boiler.



And then you dip and let them dry.

Usually you let them cure for a few weeks, but not my family, they dug right in.

(Sorry for the "nudie" shot, in the process she got COVERED with chocolate and started stripping down.)

I had a lot of fun doing this, and certainly think that it is a tradition I will continue on. It brought back a lot of happy memories, and I hope made some with my children. It also gave me a new appreciation for my grandma. It's not an easy process, and it is about a hundred times harder with "helpers". I don't know how she ever did it with the help of all us grandkids. Thanks Grandma!