Getting My True Love Back

I'm sure that when you read the title, a few of you wanted to throw up. Don't worry, the divorce is still holding, I'm talking about my real true love. I love photography!:) (Although, if any of you know of any single, nice, good, LDS guys who like kids- particularly mine, I am ready to start looking for the other kind of love too:) I remember when I was a senior in high school, and on the yearbook staff. I remember the first time I passed through the spaceship portal doors into the world of the red glow of darkroom lights and the smell of developer. I remember the first time I rolled my own film, and the excitement of watching an image I had captured magically appear on paper. I was in love. That love only grew as I went on to college and took some photography classes there. I learned how to capture moments and save them forever. I loved the feeling of being able to hold a memory in my hand, and more than that, to preserve memories for other people, and give them that gift. I couldn't get enough. I have boxes and boxes of snapshots that I took before I upgraded to digital. Now I have literally hundreds of discs full of pictures I have taken. I love capturing the look of love between a mother and a daughter, the promise of hope in the silver lining of a cloud, the beauty of an old rusty bucket, that no one ever notices, and to capture the light bouncing off some ordinary object that turns it into a stunning, mystical thing of beauty. I love the feel of my camera in my hand, and security of my camera bag at my side. The tiny click the camera makes when I snap, snap, snap makes my heart race. I love to say "I shoot people for a living", that cracks me up every time. I just love photography.

This spring, through Troy's encouragement I decided to open a photography business. I still have a lot to learn, but Hands On is the best way I know how to learn, so I took the plunge. I loved picking out my lighting and backdrops, getting set up, advertising, the whole thing was exhilerating. And for a few months I was actually pretty busy. I had 3-5 shoots a week, and that was about as much as I really wanted. Things were going great, and a large part of that was due to Troy's support. That is one thing I can really say about Troy is that he supported me in my dreams. Yes, it was me who was the photographer, but it was OUR business.

And then my heart got broken...

And with it went my love of photography. The joy I used to get out of it isn't there anymore. I think because of Troy's support of this dream, I now associate it with him. And because I don't love him the same way I used to I feel like I can't love Photography the same way I used to anymore either. We moved and said goodbye to friends, and a town that we loved- no pictures. We moved to a new place, with new friends to love - no pictures. We have had countless summer adventures, trips to The Falls, and the mountain, and the dessert and red rocks. No pictures. The Fuller Family Reunion which usually gets hundreds of pictures, I didn't even take my camera. I live in La Sal, and if you have ever been here you know that no where else in the world has sunsets quite like these, yet I haven't captured a single one. I leave my camera behind all the time, and if I do force myself to use it, it takes weeks to upload the photos and even look at them. I have turned down jobs because I don't feel like I can do a good job right now. It's like I am starting to put my shattered heart back together again, and while most of it is fitting and healing quite nicely, there is this one piece that is still missing.

So how do I get it back? How do I start loving it again? Is it something that will come back, or should I just let it go? Should I give it time, or should I force myself to do it until I start liking it again? Have you ever felt like this? What did you do about it? I need help here people. I am looking for answers. Let me know what you think. Help a girl find her true love again...:)

And thanks for continuing to read even though it seems like I have way more sappy posts than fun ones lately:) I promise someday soon I'll get it back together, and blogging will be fun again...

Falling Behind...

Once again I'm behind. Life has been so crazy I am just holding on for dear life. Lets rewind for a moment, and relive the 4th of July...The fourth of July was celebrated in La Sal on the 3rd. The boy scouts (That includes Ethan now, I feel so old...) did a flag ceremony at the community center, followed by a pancake breakfast. (I didn't get pictures because... well, I don't have a good excuse, but this is the only one I managed to get. Pretty though, right? So it makes up for it:)

Following the breakfast we raced home to get our bikes for the parade. In La Sal, anything goes as a parade float, so we bling-ed out our bikes, and got in line. Our friends Parker and Payton were staying the day with us, so we bling-ed them out too. Parker was dressed in camo and decided that he wanted to be a general. (Here's a dirty side story: Later in the day the kids were playing army. Payton told me "We are all sargeants, except for Parker. He's a genital." -he actually kind of was being one at that moment, but he's 8, it comes with the territory:) The thing that actually makes that funny is knowing her parents. Especially her mom. They do NOT discuss body parts, or use embarrassing names for body parts, and she is a strictly "pants on" kind of mom. So the thing that made me giggle the most about the whole thing was picturing her mom's reaction when I told her about it. I was not disappointed!:) So we whipped up a "tank" for him to wear. It was my very best effort, but we were a little mixed up about the color selection. I started on one side painting the green part of what I thought would be a camo tank, and he started on the other side with blue... so he ended up looking a little like the world... if it was flat... and had a giant pole sticking out of it... Sorry buddy, no one has ever accused me of being crafty.

This isn't of my kids, but I thought it was cute anyway. The photos of the actual parade are taken by my mom because I was running along behind Payton giving her a push now and then. Thanks mom!

On Sunday we went to Moab to watch fireworks. My Sister and brother-in-law invited us to watch them at their "fish pond" It is a beautiful place up on a hill, and we were basically right across the valley from where they shot of the fireworks. We totally had the best seat in the house. We brought homemade ice cream, and they spoiled us with pizza and bread sticks. It was the perfect night. We had so much fun. I didn't get any really good pictures of the fireworks, I was too busy stuffing my face to worry about adjusting ISOs, but here are the few I ended up with...




This one isn't a very good picture of fireworks, but I thought it was pretty, like a flower or something...

This is Ethan standing on the bridge over the fish pond. It doesn't do it justice, it is beautiful up there.

This is the sunset from where we were sitting.

This was a picture of the wishing star. I think it's kind of magical.

Star Light, Star Bright...

This morning I got out of the shower and herd fits of giggles coming out of my bedroom. I went to investigate, and found the kids playing with the "photo booth" program on the computer. They were having so much fun that I couldn't be mad, I just had to join in the laughter. When they were all finished I checked the pictures that they had saved. They had me rolling on the floor all over again. I thought I would share. Remember, these are all pictures that they took on their own AND that they deemed good enough to keep. Those little crazies... Enjoy...





Finally someone figured out that you have to look at the camera, not the screen:)

This one makes me a little sick to my stomach, I don't know why...

Tired *updated*

Have you ever been so tired that you do something really dumb... and it leaves a mark... and everyone asks how it happened, and you are embarrassed to tell them what you really did, so you need to make up a story about it to make you look a little less dumb... but you are so tired you can't think of one... so you ask all of your nice blogger friends who really love you to help you think of one?:)

I burned the end of my nose with the curling iron today... what can you do with that one?

*** And PS, remember how I have to give a talk in church on Sunday, so if it blisters and looks horrific, EVERYONE in town is going to see it??? I could use some prayers:)

***UPDATE***

Your prayers must have worked. My little nose is super tender, but there is no blister or scab. It is pretty red, but nothing a little Mary Kay Medium Coverage Foundation can't fix:) It's a burned nose MIRACLE! Big thanks!

Pucker Up!

Ethan took this picture of Adia and I the other day. We were trying to embarrass him by making kissy faces, but instead we kind of embarrassed ourselves. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. This is one of those times. I might look completely silly, but it was so much fun!

Talking

On Sunday my family and I were asked to speak in church. I normally kinda like speaking in church. I don't know why, I'm a little sick, I guess. But guess what my topic is: "finding peace during trying times" RUDE!!! Just... r-u-d-e...:)

They gave us a church magazine with an article in it to read and get ideas from, the article is rude too. (It's actually pretty good, but better if you are not in the middle of the trial) It gives a list of several things that could be considered a large trial in your life. It says on average a person will have about three of those things happen to them in their lifetime. Sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more. I had 17. 17!, AND neither of the things that I consider the hard things in my life were on the list... AND I just turned 28 last week! (this last fact isn't the trial, I bring it up to say that my life is no where near over, so it might be wise to stay away from me:) DEPRESSING!

So I let that make me a little self conscious for a minute, and then I did some thinking. I figured that the guy in the article didn't really know what he was talking about. (So what if he has a lousy old PH.D or is the head of his department at BYU, what does he know? NOTHING, that's what! - Have you noticed that sometimes being irrationally ornery makes me happy?:) I feel like I have had two big trials in my life. NOT 17! I am being open and honest on this blog, so I'll tell you what they are, feel free to discuss. The first one was our adoption. While infertility was on the list, adoption was not. Most of you know the story of our adoption (If you don't click the link on the sidebar and read all about it) so I won't go into it much, but here's what I will say. For us infertility was not the trial, deciding what to do about the infertility was not the trial, the paper work, the legal process, the adjustments, none of those were the trial. Those things were hard, for other people they are the trial, but for us, they weren't. The trial was being told time and time again that those babies, who we had already given our hearts to, would not be ours. That shook me up. That broke my heart into a million pieces over and over again. That made me question a lot of things that I believed. But in the end it made me a stronger person. It made me find out the truth of things for myself. It showed me the people who I can really count on. Most importantly, it gave me a love for my kids that is so strong it can conquer all, it can change lives, it can create miracles. I know it can because it has. That trial was something I needed in my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without it, and now that it is over I am grateful for it in my life. Being "past" this first big trial of my life I can now look back and see things that I should have done differently. I can't change those things, but here's what I can do: We fell head first into our adoption. We didn't know what we were doing, and we were stumbling along blindly for much of the way. I can't know everything about everything, but I can be more educated about issues that come into my life. I don't know everything that will happen to me in this life, but I can trust more in the Lord, who knows the path my life will take much more than I do. We struggled a lot with the laws surrounding our kind of adoption. Many of those are there for a reason, but many are there, and no one can explain why - I know, I asked. I can't make all of the laws work in my favor, but I can learn the laws, and form an opinion based on knowledge and reason. I can't change the laws by myself, but I can stand up and let my voice be heard when I don't feel like something is right. We struggled a lot with the opinions of others and the ugliness of the uninformed. I can't change anyone else's opinion, or stop anyone from being hurtful, but I can be an advocate and use my experiences to educate those I come in contact with. We struggled because no one seemed to know what we were going through. We had an awesome support system, but for most of our battle no one had ever been in our shoes. I can't make anyone understand what we were going through, but I can be the kind of support for others that I needed when I was adopting. We had a hard time with social workers. We had eight working on our case throughout the course of the two years. Of those, ONE was really good at what he did. A couple had good intentions, but no follow through, and several were in it for the paycheck and at the end of the day didn't care about the best interest of the child at all. (A few of them even admitted this to my face.) I can't do anything about those social workers who don't care, but I can show my love, respect, and support for good social workers. I can become a good social worker. I can't give everyone a good social worker like Kyle, but I can offer my support to those who are working with a not so good social worker.

Now on to my next big trial... You guessed it, there is no Walmart in La Sal! I can't build one, but I could shop there if there was one.

Just kidding, things were getting a little too heavy for a second, and I had to throw that in there to see if you were still paying attention.

Divorce was on the list, but being betrayed by the person you trusted most is not. This trial was not about divorce for me, I'm not proud of being divorced, and in my church and community the overwhelming opinion of those who don't really know the details seems to be very against it, but for me that was not the trial. This trial wasn't about authority figures who I had been taught to trust manipulating me, it isn't about my ability to trust being shaken, it isn't about my children being uprooted, or feeling sometimes like a failure, it is about betrayal. It is about me questioning things that I had believed for a long time. It is about me having to decide that my church is true, but the people aren't always, it is about me realizing what is really true, and clinging to that, and letting go of the things that aren't. It is about me realizing that agency, one of the gifts from God that I had always cherished most, I never really understood at all. (that is a post still in the works) It is about finding out who I am, and most importantly WHO's I am, and other truths that I always thought I knew but didn't entirely understand. That is what this trial is, but sadly "learning" wasn't on THE LIST:) I have been asked over and over what advice I would give to other people. At first I didn't know what to say, I was 100% caught off guard by my situation, and it took me a while to be able to look at it from the looking-back angle rather than the crushed-beneath-it angle. So now, here's the thing. My situation came at me out of no where. Now that I know what the problem was, and more about the situation I can see that there were signs that I just missed. I can't take all the evil out of the world, but I can be more educated about dangers in the world. I can't refuse to trust anyone, but without being paranoid or judgemental, I can ask questions about things that don't make sense to me instead of making excuses and brushing things under the rug. I can be a trusting person and still be smart. I can't take away anyone's agency, nor would I really want to, but I can strive to more fully understand agency, and not be blind sided by someone else's agency effecting my life.

I have gained a stronger testimony of the love my Father in Heaven has for me, of the atonement, of the priesthood, and the eternal blessings and peace found in the temple. (If you have any questions about any of these things please feel free to ask, or go HERE to learn more about it.) I can take advantage of those blessings. I can bare my testimony of the truths I know. I can support and sustain righteous leaders. I can recognise that I am far from perfect and use the atonement to become better. I can go to the temple often to find peace and healing.

I learned that there are illnesses and addictions in the world that few people know about, and that are easily hidden. I can't take away those struggles, but I can advocate for people who suffer from those things. I can support them, and help them find the help that they need. I can't ignore the choices they make, and the effects that has on others, but I can hold them accountable for their actions while still loving them and forgiving. I can't take the hurt away from my family or from any other loved one who has been effected by these things, but I can support their families, instead of blaming them or judging them.

I found that the times that were the hardest was when people (including myself) were judging Troy or the situation unkindly. I admit that there are times that I need to vent, and I appreciate trusted friends for listening and understanding, but mostly I have found that unkindness hurts me far more than it hurts anyone else. I can't change what has already been done, but I can have a positive outlook on life. I can forgive, and let myself heal instead of holding on to resentment, anger, and hurt feelings. I can love unconditionally.

The thing that has helped me the most through this situation has been knowing who I am. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that he doesn't want to see me hurt, but he did give us all the gift of agency, and we all accepted it gratefully, and he can't, and more importantly WON'T, take it away. I know that I am His daughter, and that he has big plans for me. I know that He loves me, and because of that I need to love myself. That means that I have to do what is best for my family, even when it isn't easy, even when it isn't popular, even when many people disagree, I need to do what He tells me to do. I need to listen to His promptings, and remember the things I already know (thanks Levi, that advice saved my life) And after nearly a week of thinking this through, I think that is how I find peace during trials. By knowing who's I am. By knowing who I am, where I came from, and where I want to be. That is peace. (Well, that and knowing that I'm not pregnant- thanks for that insight too Stacy:)

***Just a note because I have been asked. The article is entitled Finding Peace in Trying Times, and is out of the Marriage and Families magazine from the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University, Summer 2004. It actually is a pretty good article, "the List" just gave me the freaks. Read it if you have time:)