A good reason for being a bad person

I'm not usually a rule breaker. I like rules. I like to know what I'm supposed to be doing. I like the security that comes with following the rules. I wear my seat belt every time I get in the car even if I really don't want to. I don't believe in rolling stops, I don't steal pens from the drive through at the bank, I won't let my kids sign up for Facebook until they're old enough even though "EVERYONE else is doing it." I just like rules. I think they are there for a reason, and even if the reason is "because I said so" I'm good with it. But when we moved into our house, we moved into a different ward for church. The rule is that you go to the ward according to where you live, and I think it's a good rule. If everyone went wherever they wanted to, it would be ciaos, pure and simple. I understand that, and I agree with it, and I even think it applies to me... BUT I just felt like we needed to stay in our old ward for a while. I had just been called to the Primary presidency in our ward, and I thought maybe that feeling was coming from a sense of obligation, and after a few months when the new presidency got their feet under them I would move, and it would be fine. But the feeling never went away. I just felt like it wasn't the right time to move. I didn't know quite what it was, maybe I had more friends there, maybe the people there actually took the time to get to know us, maybe the ward is smaller, so we felt more at home, I don't know what it was, but I just couldn't talk myself out of it. I talked with my bishop (the old one - "the right one", not the new one - "the real one") and he said I should trust my instincts and just stick around for a while and see how it goes. So I did.
This month Ethan got the priesthood. He is a Deacon. This is a great time in his life. It means that he is living his life in an honorable way, and he is worthy to have the first part of that great power bestowed upon him. It's a really big deal to us because we finally have the priesthood in our home again. It's a blessing and a comfort. I'm proud of him... but one thing I've come to realize from being Ethan's mom: growing up just makes everything harder. A Deacon is the one who passes the sacrament to all of the congregation. That means in a quick, orderly, reverent way they take both the bread and the water to the entire chapel full of people. That means ETHAN, who can't walk down the hall without tripping, has to maneuver up stairs, around other deacons, down isles, carrying a tray full of tiny little cups full of water without spilling all over the floor, or worse, all over the people he's passing to. That means ETHAN, who has the worst memory of anyone I know, who took six weeks to memorize his class schedule, has to remember a perfectly organized pattern of where to go, and who to pass to. That means dear sweet ETHAN, who is a food hoarder, who consistently hides food in his pockets, his sock drawer, behind his bed, etc is going to be left unattended with an entire tray full of bread and expected not to snack as he goes. I believe Ethan can do anything, but I have to tell you, this adventure has kept me up at nights worrying. And the really hard part about it is that I can't help him. When he couldn't tell time in the 5th grade, I studied and practiced with him until he got it. When he couldn't remember the directions to walk home from school to the place we had lived for almost a year, I drew him a map. When he couldn't remember his class schedule, I made him a super hip dog tag with the classes listed on them. When he forgets to wear pants I remind him before he leaves the house, when he can't remember his best friend's name, I quiz him until he gets it so he doesn't have to keep calling him "friend", when he couldn't remember how to open his locker I spent hours at the school helping him try it over and over. I spend hours doing homework at night, I advocate for the services he needs, I practice how to have appropriate conversations, I help him through every. single. thing. (wow, I totally sound like a helicopter mom, but trust me, these are things he simply doesn't have the ability to do without help) But I don't have the priesthood, so I can't help him with this. I have to sit back and watch, unable to do anything, or problem solve, or intervene before disaster strikes. I have no control, and that's something I'm really bad at.
So after months of worrying, Ethan got the priesthood last week, and this week was his first day to pass the sacrament. I was sick. I wanted to stay home... and maybe stop going to church all together... But instead we got up, got ready, and went early so he could practice. He was so excited, he could hardly stand it! I wanted to feel excited for him too, but thoughts of all the hundreds of things that could (and probably would) go wrong overwhelmed me and I had to fake it so he'd think I was as thrilled as him. The boys in our ward are wonderful. They are truly amazing young men. Their moms should be proud, and their future wives are lucky ladies. They welcomed Ethan right over, they practiced with him and answered all of his questions, and when it was obvious that this first time was going to be less than good, one of them volunteered to follow with him and show him where to go. They sat with him in the front of the church as  the service began, and quietly and lovingly reminded him to be reverent, and hold still, and even encouraged him to sing (something that I am rarely able to do). And they did it in such a way, not to make him feel less than, or incapable, but in a way a true leader inspires those around him to be better. And then it was the moment I had been dreading. He stood and took a tray, and to my dismay, it was his job to go up on the stand - that means stairs - Ethan's worst enemy. He did okay going up, he served the bishop and his counselors, and the high councilman, and then on his way back down the stairs he slid and thudded all the way down. He didn't spill though, so he got a huge thumbs up from his helper, and off they went. Ethan had a smile that looked like it would make his cheeks fall off. He was so proud of himself! He walked past Adia and I and started to wave, but then remembered to be reverent and put his hand down. I tried to keep my eyes closed and my head down so I wouldn't have to sit helplessly and watch whatever disaster lay ahead. But Adia kept turning around and giving me a play by play, and finally I couldn't stand it anymore. I looked up and watched him. He would lose attention and start to wander away, and his helper would quietly get him on track. He would forget where he was supposed to go next, and the members of the congregation would point it out to him. I realized with wonder that everyone in the room was watching him and caring about him, and helping him succeed. I realized he was loved there. I realized that this is the reason we weren't supposed to move wards. This is why we needed to stay, if only for a while. Because we need to be loved right now. We need to belong. We need a cheering section. We need people who will sit quietly while Ethan spills a tray of water on their lap and keep right on loving him after that. (BTW, he DIDN'T do that... this week) After the sacrament, he received "reverent fist bumps" from the other boys, and he came to sit down by us, more proud of himself than I have ever seen him. (not that I could see him very well, as I had tears gushing from my eyes) After the meeting was over, people came up to him and congratulated him and told him they were proud of him. And he felt like a hero - something that he doesn't get very often, but something he really needs sometimes. And so, in a way, my countless prayers on this topic were answered through not doing what was right...
Just kidding.
It doesn't change anything. We need to go to the "real ward", and some day soon we will. But for now, it's okay to go to the "right ward". It's the place we need to be, and I feel really blessed to be a truly bad rule breaker.

P.S. This is not meant to offend anyone in "the real ward". We lived in that ward for over a year, and found many wonderful people who we love, and who love us. We know we will be welcomed and taken care of when the time comes to move, but for now, for this short moment, this is the right fit for us.

And now... the house.

 After my HOME post earlier in the week I've had a lot of you ask to see more of the house. My first instinct (And in fact, the response most of you got) was to say "If you want to see it you are welcome to come for a visit." But since Blanding is out of the way for some of you almost everyone in the whole world, I figured the likelihood of that happening was slim. And I love this beautiful house, and I want to share it... So here's a tour... (Note:if you are not interested in the house, you should skip this post because there are a LOT of pictures and details you just won't care about) Please keep a few things in mind:
 One, while I do have a talent for taking pictures, I do not have a talent for photographing rooms. The pictures aren't good, I just couldn't get it down. So you'll have to trust me when I tell you how much more beautiful it looks in real life. And if you don't trust me, or don't think the pictures do it justice, the offer for you to visit is still open.
Two, don't judge. While obviously I picked up the clutter before I "invited you in" it isn't perfect, we actually live here.
Three, it isn't decorated exactly how I want it, but that's a work in progress, so if you have suggestions, I'm all ears.


This is the front of the house. Theres a cute little porch out front with a big built in shelf that's perfect for planters and seasonal decor'. There's a big delicious apple tree in the front yard that has the best apples I've ever tasted. The first night we stayed here, we hadn't moved most of our stuff yet, and we didn't have a lot of food, so we went outside and picked some apples from the tree. It was late at night, and the temperature had dropped, so they were ice cold, and so juicy they dripped down our chins. It was pure heaven. The really funny thing is that as I've talked to random people throughout the course of living in this small town EVERYBODY confesses to having stolen apples from that very tree at some point in their lives. It has a reputation. I like living in a house with a reputation. (As long as it's a good one, not like, a red light district reputation...)  And don't mind how not pretty it looks right now, it's winter, and everything looks dead, it's beautiful in the summer time.

So welcome to our happy home! This is the view from the front door. (And yes, that's Ethan scrubbing the mud room floor on his hands and knees that you see in the background - because we do it Cinderella style around here) The whole house has those darling arch ways all over. I love the character of old houses, and this one is no exception. I didn't choose the paint color. The owners had thier son, a professional painter, repaint right before we moved in, and I didn't have a say on this one, but they did such a good job I don't want to paint over it just yet. And I worried I would hate it, but after living here, I kind of like it...

This is a little nook built into the wall. Again with the darling character of this place. I decided an antique phone just belonged there. I don't know why, but it just fits. 

 From the foyer if you turn left you look into the living room/ dining room. The floors are all gorgeous hardwood or tile throughout the house, not a stitch of carpet anywhere. I didn't know how I'd like it, but after living here for a few months I have to tell you I LOVE IT! Not only does it look beautiful, but it's easy to clean and you never worry about muddy footprints or spilled juice. You just wipe it up and you're good to go. (Which is what Ethan is doing in the foyer picture... he'd been digging in the garden and tracked mud in...) I also like the feel it gives the house, and I'm a sucker for a good rug.

 From the foyer if you turn left you see Ethan's room. It was actually an office, and he has a nice big room downstairs just waiting until he's mature enough to live in it without causing havoc all over the place. (Did I ever tell you the story of the time he smashed Tide Pods all over the laundry room?...) He's not to that point yet, so until then he's stuck up here and my office is currently taking up space in the mud room.

 The room is all wood panelling, but the pretty kind, not the crazy 70's kind. And it has these amazing built ins all over. Its actually decorated in vintage cars. It's really cute if you stop by, you'll love it.

 After leaving Ethan's room if you take the next right you come to the hall that leads to Adia and my rooms. Here's Adia's room first. It's decorated in pink and zebra stripes, not exactly what I would have chosen, but she loves it, and really it isn't so bad...

 It's a nice big room with lots of windows and a fancy remote controlled ceiling fan, which is a highlight to her.

 This is the view as you leave her room. The hallway is painted dark blue with big white shelves. Again I didn't pick the color, but it's grown on me now.

 This is my room. I stuck with the white, red and blue color palate but it's still pretty plain jane. You can't tell from the picture, but there's actually a lot of space near that window, and I have my eye out for the perfect comfy blue chair and side table so I can curl up and read.

 In my opinion, my room is the best. There are HUGE beautiful windows with deep window sills, on two walls. It's light and bright and that gives it a fresh, clean, happy feeling all the time - perfect for a new beginning.

 This is the view of the bathroom as you leave my room. (The blue wall is to the left, you just can't see it. On the right, you can barely see some built in cupboards. The whole wall is covered with them. I wish I got a picture of it, it's one of my favorite parts of the house.

 This is the main bathroom. Again, the pictures don't do it justice. It's done in a silver/grey/black color palate that is just so elegant. I got so lucky with this house, the owners did a lot of upgrades, that are EXACTLY my style. The light fixtures and little details all throughout the house are exactly what I would have picked if I had chosen them myself. Everything is classy and warm and elegant. I just love it all.

 Another shot of the bathroom, because I know you desperately wanted to see our toilet, right? We have another half bathroom upstairs that is decorated in warm dark woods and tarnished copper fixtures. I love it too, but I totally forgot to take a picture of it. Oh, well, you'll just have to imagine it... or come for that visit we've been talking about.

 So back to the living room. Two walls are made up entirely of windows, and it lets the light in nearly all day long. It always feels bright and warm and homey in this room.

 And this is the dining room. This is a terrible picture, but the chandelier matches my table perfectly - just as if I had planned it that way!

 Here's the kitchen. It has TONS of counter space and cupboards galore! In fact, a lot of them are empty because I just don't have enough stuff to fill them. The counters are granite and marble tiles, which I wasn't sure about at first, but I actually love now. It isn't a glamorous kitchen but it has some nice features like a glass cooktop, a super deep sink, track lighting under the cupboards and a great layout.

 This is it from the other angle heading into the...

... Pantry area. There's a nice big pantry in this room, just off the kitchen... but for some odd reason I didn't even take a picture of it. Oh, well, you probably didn't want to see our breakfast cereal or canned goods anyway, did you? This room doubles as my craft room. I put a table in the corner and all my craft supplies, sewing machine, millions of cans of spray pain, etc go in those HUGE, DEEP built in cupboards. Then when I'm done I can put it all back in, close the door, and everything is neat and tidy. From here you can also see the door straight ahead that leads to the bathroom I mentioned before, but won't be showing you. And that little half wall there is actually the staircase that leads to the basement.

 Here is the family room. It's basic, but nice to have a place to cuddle up and watch movies together, or to send the kids when I want to visit with grown ups upstairs. The windows are small, but there are a lot of them, and it doesn't seem dark and gloomy like a basement sometimes can.

 Just off of the family room is another bathroom. Ethan has claimed it as his, which is fine with Adia who thinks sharing a bathroom with an almost teenage boy is "gross and smelly".

 This is the playroom, which we haven't really done much with.

 And a super nice food storage room which I've filled up with a little food storage, and a lot of books and craft supplies - hey, it's my house, I can hoard what I want to!

This is the laundry room. It has a super nice utility sink and a table with shelves that I use for folding. Don't mind the mess, you caught us on laundry day. This is the room that Ethan chose to smash the entire bulk package of Tide PODS all over the walls and floor. The entire room was blue... and it's not a small room. It was the devil to clean, I'll tell you!

Back upstairs there is a nice big mud room that leads outside on the left and to the garage on the right. I use the room for my office until Ethan gets moved down stairs (see above) I didn't choose this paint color either. It's yellow, and generally I don't like yellow at all. But this is the perfect color of yellow, and it reminds me of sunshine- if sunshine was a dessert... you have to see it to understand. But it's a mess today, so we aren't going to linger here.

Out the back door is a super nice deck with a built in spot for our grill, and plenty of room for (someday) a nice bench to sit on and visit while you cook out.

There's a huge yard with plenty of room to run and play with lots of fruit trees all over the place.

And beyond the yard is a nice big lot that they call the garden. Just so you know, that is NOT going to be the size of my garden! I do plan on planting one though, with lots of melon because it's warm enough to grow them down here, and if you can grow melon why on earth wouldn't you? The lot also has a nice big cement pad that was built for an RV, but works really nice as a basketball court as well. It also has a huge strawberry patch, raspberries, blackberries, and grapes.

And this really cool old shed that they fixed up inside to make it really nice, but it still has the cool old look on the outside. (this picture was taken in the summer, hence the green trees in the back ground.

This is a nice little covered patio just off the dining room. There's a big sliding glass door that leads outside, and it's beautiful to sit out there in the evenings and watch the spectacular sunsets. (Though it's a little nippy to be doing that lately)

The back side of the house

And this is the other side of the house with the big two car garage. It is built extra long so there's enough space for counters and shelves to make a nice little workshop and still park cars in it. I can't wait to get started on my power tool collection!

And that's it. I just really love this little place. I've always dreamed of owning an old house with tons of character, beautiful hard wood floors, and maybe a ghost. And now my dream has come true! I love the  little details all over. I love that there is not another house just like it anywhere in the world. I love the fun and interesting stories the old owner (nephew of the people who built it) told us about construction, and the family, and the sacrifice they made to build it. I love the feel it has inside, safe and sturdy; a true haven. I love that we think  Uncle Bernard, who built the house, occasionally still visits here. He sometimes clomps around downstairs, and turns the lights on when no one is standing next to the switch. And occasionally we smell his manly cologne, and when my niece Kalista (who has a gift for these things ) came to visit at Thanksgiving she was talking to someone, and I think it was him. I love that about this place too, like he's here to protect us and watch out for us... true or imaginary, it makes me happy to think of the possibilities.  :)
So there's the tour. Thanks for "visiting". If you're ever in the area please stop by for real, I love having guests!

Home

We've kind of been homeless for the last few years. Not like we were living on the street or anything, but we just didn't have a home. Right after the divorce we lived with my parents for about a year. It was such a nice place to live, and they never made us feel like guests at all. They went out of their way to make us feel at home, and we did. But it's just not the same as having your own house, and while we did feel comfortable and at home there, we weren't really "AT HOME" you know? Then we moved into an apartment in Monticello so Ethan wouldn't have to ride the bus (I know from experience how that LOOOONG bus ride with nothing to do can get you in trouble, and since trouble naturally gravitates toward Ethan, I knew it was a bad idea), and while it was nice enough, and we had some great neighbors we never quite felt like we belonged there. So after about a year living there we moved to Blanding so I could be closer to my internship. We had a super nice apartment there, and we fell in love with Blanding, but that wasn't home either. So this summer when we had to move (because I had graduated and no longer qualified to live there - long story)we had a really hard time finding an acceptable place to rent, so we started looking for a house to buy.
Since the divorce when all of our lives got rearranged, and things got mangled and changed, never to be the same again, we have been living in limbo. We have been living a life of "temporary". We never lacked a place to live (except that one time, when we did) we had all of our things, and places to put ourselves, but we didn't have a home.
HOME to me is COMFORT. Its the place you can be your really, real self. Its a place where you can curl up on the couch in your pajamas all day and not worry about who might see you. It's a place where you can put down roots, make a growth chart for your kids in the hall closet, have an impromptu dance party without bothering the neighbors. Its a place where memories are made, and love lives and your family grows and changes and strengthens. It's the place where you cook Thanksgiving and wake up to see what Santa brought you, and you lay on the freshly cut lawn on hot summer nights, and you pick out paint colors, and rearrange furniture, and conduct science experiments in the kitchen. Its where you LIVE. Its the place you are, a place you feel comfortable, and a place you can stay. It's solid and settled, and safe.
And its been missing for years.
And its been sad and unsettled and scary.
And while I thought it was just me who noticed, it wasn't. We all felt it, and we all needed it.

And now we have it! We have a beautiful new old house! (old house, new to us) We moved in at the beginning of October. It's amazing how in just a matter of days it changed our lives. It was interesting to watch the change that came over us. It's not that we were suffering, really, before, but it was so amazing to watch the change in my kid's countenance. They were lighter, more carefree, more like kids should be. Their behavior changed, their sleep patterns changed, their attitudes changed. Not that everything is perfect now or anything. It was a subtle change, that unless you know them well, you probably didn't notice, but it was a change. They are happier, they are settled, they feel secure. They are home. And we all love it.

New Year Goal.

If you've followed me for very long you know I don't love New Years Resolutions. Number one, I don't like setting myself up for failure that way :) and number two I don't like the idea of waiting until the new year to change your life. If you want to change, change today, don't wait for a grand declaration, or until everyone else decides to change. Go after it! That being said, every year our family comes up with a goal or motto we want to incorporate into our lives throughout that year. Last year our goal was to live life and love it instead of waiting around for it to begin. We decided that "this is our life" what is happening every day is life, so there's no need to wait for things to settle down, or this crisis to be over, or the weather to change. We aren't waiting, we are living. You can read more about our goal and why we chose it HERE.
When we started thinking of what we want this year we came up with a lot of things that we want to change or improve on. It was overwhelming to think of everything we want to accomplish. But finally after a lot of thought we realized that while we can't do everything, we can do something, so this year our goal is going to be "Give a little more."
This means different things for each of us. For Adia it means that she is going to try to include kids who don't have as many friends into her group at school, and that she is going to have a little more patience with her brother who tends to annoy her pretty often lately. For Ethan it means that he is going to give a little more effort at school. He'll try a little harder to pay more attention, and he'll do what is asked of him without complaining. For me, it pertains to all aspects of my life. I want to try a little harder with my clients, and then if things still don't work out, I can feel confident knowing I did as much as I could for them plus a little extra. I want to give more to my kids, more of my time, more of my attention, more patience. I want to be present, I want to teach them, and learn from them, I want to have fun with them, so that when they are all grown up we can look back at this time with fondness instead of regrets. I want to give a little more to myself, recognizing that I matter too, and giving myself the time to get healthy, strengthen my relationship with God, and take the time to really listen to the messages I receive from Him. I want to give a little more to those around me. We don't have a lot, but we have sufficient for our needs. We have been very blessed, and it's time we start blessing the lives of others as well.

A scripture I've always loved is Alma 37:6 where we are reminded that...



I also love this short video that talks about this very thing.


And as I've researched it a little I found this great quote that I absolutely adore. (Is it totally lame if I admit that I have no idea who Gandalf is? I mean I know he's a character from the Hobbit/ Lord of the Rings, but other than that I don't have a clue - he seems wise though:)






So we don't have to change the world, we can just "give a little more" and though it be small, it can have a great impact on the people we hope to become as well as the people we encounter every day.
So what's your goal or resolution?