Q: Would you or do you want to adopt again?
A: Absolutely! I would love to adopt again. If I ever re-marry I would like to try to have biological children as well, but Adoption it in my heart forever, and there are lots of kids who need a home. I would love to be that home for a few of them anyway.
Q: Is your adoption an open or closed one? Do you like it this way?
A: Our adoption is an open one, but kind of unique. We have a very open relationship with the biological grandparents who were the ones that Ethan lived with after he was taken into state custody, but before he was placed with us. We call and write. We send presents and share accomplishments. We even visit them sometimes, though not as often as I would like:) It sounds cliche' but they really are like a part of our family. They are just Nana and Papa, as though they were meant to be that way. I love them like I love my own parents. They are wonderful people and I am truly blessed for the sacrifices they made in order to make me a mom. We are also in contact with their other children, and a few of their extended family members. We love them too. Because of the way things happened we do not talk to the kid's biological parents at this time. It isn't healthy for anyone involved, but I dream of someday having a better relationship with them as well. I LOVE open adoption! LOVE IT! I love that it's the kind of relationship where everyone wins. We get new members of our family, our kids get to have ties to their earlier life, their heritage, and their culture, which is something I could never give them. I don't know how to be hispanic, I don't know where their ancesters came from, or thier family stories. I need them to fill in that part of thier life, that I don't have the ability to do. My kids also get a whole other group of people to love them and spoil them, and let's face it, who doesn't need a little more of that in their life?:) In return the biological family gets to play a part in thier children's life. They get to watch them grow. They get to be there for the important things, and even for the ordinary everyday miracles. They weren't able to take care of the kids, and needed someone to do that for us. We weren't able to have kids, and we needed someone to do that for us. We each played a really important part in this thing called our family, and to shut anyone out of that doesn't make sense at all.
Q: Did you think about adoption as an option before you tried to have kids?
A: I always knew that I would adopt. Even before we discovered our fertility difficulties I knew that I would have adopted children. I thought more along the lines of later in life, but God's watch works way better than mine, so I'm not complaining a bit.
Q: Do you ever feel sorry that you couldn't have your own kids?
A: Wow! That's seems like a simple question, but there are so many things about it that need to be addressed, so hold on tight. First of all, I do have my own kids. They came to me a different way, but they are mine. They were meant to be with me. They are mine legally, and eternally. ALL MINE. Second, a lot of people talk to me and seem to think that adoption is second best or something. I don't like that. Would I have liked to have biological children? Yes. Did I try that way before I looked into adoption? Yes. Does that make adoption a second rate way to have kids? Not at all! It is a wonderful option. It is a miracle that I am so lucky to have be a part of my life. It is the very best way that my kids could have come into my life, and I thank God every. single. day. for giving me the priviledge of being a part of adoption. Third, the thing I think you were actually trying to ask, did I struggle with our infertility? Yes, I did. I didn't morn it for long, or in the same ways that other people do, but it hurt. It was hard. It IS hard. That is the truth. I still have a hard time holding newborn babies or visiting friends in the hospital. I despise baby showers. I cry when friends tell me they are pregnant. I can't help it. It is painful. It is a sharp stinging reminder that those are things I may never have. (You should know If I have ever held your newborn, or if I visited you in the hospital, or attended your shower, it is because I love you SO much!:) I am happy for the new parents, and I do love babies, but it doesn't come without it's heart ache. I do struggle with infertility, but I am a mom, and I love the way I became one. Wishing for something doesn't make you unhappy with the things you have.
Q: I know the process took a long time, what all goes into it? A: Here is the short version of a "normal" adoption. You have to get a home study, fill out a bazillion pages of paperwork, get a background check, have your home inspected, get reference letters - get approved. Once you are approved, you find your child. this can be done in several ways. You can find the birth mother yourself through you, your family, friends, etc. who knows someone who is thinking of placing their child for adoption. You can go through an agency that can connect you with a birth mother either through their system, or the birth mother going over parent profiles and choosing you - depending on the agency. You could go through foster care, and basically you are matched up with children who need a home, and if they are available for adoption, and you think they would fit into your family perminantly you can adopt them. There are a lot of different options for being matched with your child, and I won't go into the details here. Next, once you are placed with your child you have a waiting period. This is different according to the state that you are adopting in and from. It can be from just a few weeks to a couple of years - assuming there are no problems. This gives all parties involved time to be sure they are making the right decision, time to get all legal paperwork straightened out, etc. During this time you generally have routine home inspections and social work visits. In most cases it is life as usual, just nothing is concrete yet. Finally after the waiting period is over and everything is in order you go to court for what is called finalization. This is where you are pronounced the legal parent of the child. You are given all the rights and responsibilities that go along with that. It is pretty cool because you have to raise your hand and agree to that. Then they give you an amended birth certificate which lists you as the parent etc. It is really a cool feeling, like after all of that waiting and hoping, they are really yours, and no one can take them away from you. Then after that, you are just a family, like you were always meant to be.
Q: If you adopt a child and go through all of the evaluations and paperwork that they do that takes forever...do you have to do it everytime you adopt or do foster care or do they just keep it all on file? You know just call them up and say, "hey, we are ready to go again!" and the process is a snap the next time.
A: If you go through the same agency your information will still be on file for a period of time, but you do have to get approved each time you adopt. I believe that this includes the background checks and reference letters, etc. (PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong here) But you mentioned foster care, and I think if you keep your license current you don't have to start over every time. If you let your license laps though, I do think you have to start over. It is a little frustrating maybe, but it makes sense. A lot of things change, and they have to be sure that everything is still alright. It is a way to assure that everyone involved will be protected. It's a good thing even though it does create a LOT of extra work.
Q: How does your family feel about your kids being adopted. Has that ever caused any problems?
A: I would say that 99% of our family accepts the kids as ours and doesn't even think about it much anymore. There were a few that struggled with it, but for the most part everyone was super excited about it. My family has a lot of adoption in it, and so to them it's just the way it happens sometimes. I have never noticed any member of my family treating my kids any differently than they treat any of the other kids in the family. They play with my kids the same, they discipline my kids the same, they are loved exactly the same. That hasn't always been the same with Troy's side of the family, but for the most part we have a really great group of supporters. I think that the best way to earn support for adoption is to educate people who don't have a good opinion of it. After all, when you truly know just how fantastic adoption is, how could you do anything but love it?:)
Well, that's it. I hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Adoption Q&A! Thanks to those of you who participated. Now on to the exciting part. The winner chose randomly by the name-in-a-hat-drawn-out-by-a-princess-named-Adia method is...
Rachele!
Congratulations!
Be looking for something from me in the mail soon.
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