Adoption Q&A

Happy National Adoption Day!

Love at first sight. This is the first time we met Adia (She was "Tabbitha" at that point)

I am thrilled with how many of you posted or e-mailed questions about adoption! This is a wonderful subject that I am really passionate about, and I am excited to share a little bit of it with you. Here goes...



1. How did you find your kids? Well, this is a really long, really emotional story, one that I am hoping to share a part of sometime during the month. Right now I will just tell you that it was a miracle. A memo about Ethan was sent by LDSFS (LDS Family Services) to the Stake Presidency in the stake where my parents live. That's how we found out about him, but we didn't think we were interested because he wasn't a baby, and he had a list of special needs. Then Heavenly Father beat us over the head with the idea until we knew that Ethan was supposed to be our baby, and we called the social worker who sent the memo (And found out that he never actually sent it to anyone other than LDSFS offices, so how it ended up in Monticello Stake is a pure miracle) We started the process to get Ethan, and things just kept holding us up. Then one day LDSFS called with some news. I was ready to tell them that if it was any more bad news to forget it, but they told us that the parents had a baby the night before, and wanted to know if we wanted her too ...Enter Adia! So our kids are biological full brother and sister. It's pretty cool!


2. What about your adoption was something you didn't expect? ALL OF IT!!! We didn't expect to adopt through the agencies we adopted through. We didn't expect to adopt that soon, to adopt two kids instead of one, to adopt an older child, or one with special needs. We didn't expect to have an open adoption, in fact we hadn't really even considered that the biological family's feelings might not be as overjoyed as we were until the day of placement. We didn't expect it to take so long, or for there to be so much paperwork, or for there to be so much heart ache. You see, we had spent a lot of time weighing our options, and deciding on an agency, but we hadn't spent any time at all researching the adoption process. When we found out about Ethan we hadn't even filled out our initial paperwork. We didn't know what went into adopting at all. We really thought that we would just call up the social worker, go get Ethan, and be a happy family. We had so much to learn, and I don't recommend doing it this way at all. In a perfect world we would have chosen an agency, taken classes, let them help us with the paperwork, get our home studies done, get certified, get all of the information, and THEN find a child to adopt. The way we did it made things much harder, much more disappointing, and much more confusing. It made it all unexpected. Kyle, our favorite social worker. He is the one who got us through the hard times. We are still friends today.

3. How did you pursue your adoption, and who did you go through? That is part of our long story too. We got the memo through LDSFS, so even though we were planing to go through another agency we started out going through them. We found out later that the kids were in the custody of the state of California, LA County, so we actually ended up having to go through them, however in the middle of the process we moved to a little tiny town where there were no social workers. Because no one wanted to travel all the way out there except LDSFS they were aloud to continue representing us and do home visits and file paperwork. However, the closest LDSFS office was three hours away and in a different state. LA County didn't understand having another state involved, so the office in New Mexico had to send all of their paperwork to an office in Utah (Which was 4 hours away) who then sent it to LA County.

4. What other options did you explore along with LDSFS or before you decided on adoption? I am assuming that this means other means to have children on our own. We did look into a couple of other fertility options at first, mainly in-vetro, but we didn't research it too much because we just knew we were meant to adopt. It was just the right option for us at the time. If we ever decide to add to our family we might decide to look into them further, but we will see where life takes us. Infertility wasn't as huge a struggle for us as it is for many couples. It was hard to hear comments like "why aren't you guys having kids yet?" or "we are pregnant...AGAIN", or "don't you guys want kids?" and know that we are trying as hard as we could to have kids, and it just might never happen for us. (I say "might" because we have never been told that it won't, we were just told that the medication that Troy takes for his ceasures often causes infertility, and that would be the only reason the doctors could find for us not being able to get pregnant.) When we found out it hurt, but for the most part we just knew that Heavenly Father must have a different plan for us, and accepted it, and moved on. I didn't mourn not being able to carry a child at all. Do I want that opportunity? Sure, but the thing I want the most is to be a mom, and I am. Adoption wasn't really a last resort, it is more of a different option, and for us it was the best option. I realize that our case is the exception more than the rule, and many couples feel the need to try every other option available first, we just didn't feel right about anything else. We did look into several different agencies, and weighed the options of cost versus wait time versus services provided for the birth mother. We also considered Foster to Adopt and also doing a private adoption where we found our own birth mom, and didn't go through an agency at all. We actually chose an agency (Not LDSFS) and were happy with the wait time, it was an amount we thought we could live with, and they provided excellent care and counseling to the birth mother. We were getting ready to turn in our application to them when we found out about Ethan, and from then on the choice was no longer ours. We were actually able to experience Agency adoption, private adoption, and Foster to Adopt all in the process of getting our kids. (Again, not something I would recommend, it basically meant that we had to follow three sets of rules, fill out three sets of paperwork, and let our fate be determined by three sets of people. ) Kyle the friendly social worker, and Ethan dumping Elmo out of the dumptruck on placement day.

5. How did you get started? I would love to adopt outside the country but I know that there is a huge need in our country as well, so I am open to both, I just don't know where to start. Any Suggestions? Well, you are right, there is a HUGE need for adoptive parents in the United States. But that is true in any country in the world. There are just a lot of kids who need homes. This is especially true in the foster care program, as most of the kids are older and have a hard time getting placed. I would say that to get started the first thing you should do is get educated on the different kinds of adoption and figure out which one you are wanting to pursue. Here is a little run down. Basically there are a few different options. International Adoption: This costs quite a bit more (Average $20-40 thousand I have heard) depending on where you are adopting from considering travel costs as well as adoption and legal fees, and there is also a lot more paperwork also depending on the country-because of different laws and such. It is very rare to get a newborn (I don't think I have ever even heard of that, I think the youngest I have heard of is around 9 months, though I'm sure it's not impossible.) It also takes on average, two or more years. It is a pretty long process, however, the failure rate is much lower than with a domestic adoption. Also things you need to consider is if you are alright with a mixed race family, and how you feel about open adoption. (Open adoption is VERY rare with international) It is a great option though, and I'm sure that the good points far outweigh the bad.
Domestic Adoption: There are a few options with this one. You could do an agency adoption where basically you pay someone to find you a child (In most cases) and they tell you what to do and take care of most of the things, you just jump through all of the hoops that they throw your way. This can cost anywhere from $4-40 thousand dollars per child depending upon the agency you choose. You can pick an agency based on several things many offer a money back guarantee, or give you a credit on your next placement if the adoption fails. Many also offer counseling for the birth mom and some additionally offer pre -birth care, housing, food etc. You also need to consider wait time. There are some agencies who promise a match in 6 months or less (That's fast) but you usually pay quite a bit more. You could also choose a more budget friendly option (LDSFS is based off of income min cost $4,000, max cost $10,000) but the wait is usually much longer. You could also choose a private adoption where you find the birth mom on your own, and just pay the legal fees, and processing, and whatever deal you make with the birth parents. This is generally quite a bit cheaper than an agency however if the placement fails you are pretty much out whatever money you put into it. You could also go the foster care route. You are less likely to get a newborn (but it does happen) but it could cost virtually nothing in the end. You also need to be prepared for a hard journey with this option as the state's main goal is to get birth families back together, not make adoptions. Also many of the kids will have special needs, or a history of abuse or neglect etc, so it isn't always the easiest choice. It is one that needs the most help in our country, however.

Once you have some idea of the kind of adoption you are interested, or in order to get more information I suggest contacting different agencies and getting information about what they offer. You could also try http://www.adoption.com/ It has some great advice on where to get started. And one book that I read after the adoption was finished, and wished I had read BEFORE is Making Sense of Adoption By Lois Ruskai Melina. Also if you have more specific question you can always email me and I can give you more information. I would love to help. Another option that again I found AFTER the fact that has been helpful is joining an online group of other adoptive families. Most of them have been or are in the same place that you are, and have a lot of answers that can be much more accurate than most places. I can suggest a great one if you are interested. (Thanks Shanna, I took some of this info from the post on adoption you did a while back)

Finalization day. We literally felt like we were floating.

6. What did your adoption cost financially? How much does it differ to go through a private agency compared to LDSFS or if you were to start as a foster parent through the state? When we first started to adopt I had a friend tell me that she didn't know it cost anything to adopt. It does, A LOT! Well, first of all see the above answer for comparisons. Also, LDSFS is a private agency, and is only available to LDS adoptive parents. (Most agencies have criteria that must be met before you are accepted to adopt through them.) Our adoption cost a little over $30,000 by the time it was all said and done. But that was for two kids. It should have been much more expensive, but when time came to pay the saddest thing happened. They told us the cost, and then started taking of so much for each special need. It was like "this much off for a sibling group, this much off for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, this much off for Meth..." It was like buying damaged merchandise, for lack of a better way to explain it. (And just FYI one thing I found surprising is that Autism gave us the biggest discount. Strange.) In the end we almost got a two for one deal. It makes me sound heartless to put it this way, but the money factor was one of the most heartless things we had to do. It really seemed like buying a house or something. No compassion, just strait forward, all business.

7. Since you are in an open adoption would you ever allow the children to meet their birth parents face to face? Is that something that would be harmful or a good experience for them? Well again, our situation is different than most. First let me clarify what open adoption is for those who don't know. Open adoption refers to an open line of communication between the birth family and the adopted family after placement. There can be several different levels of communication. Many don't want any communication. The trend recently though is to have an open adoption. Sometimes that means that letters are passed from one family, to the agency and then to the other family. Sometimes addresses are exchanged and the families write to each other, or e-mail, or call. Sometimes there is a limit set of so much contact per year. Many families are much more open than that. They meet often, stay at each other's houses, invite the birth family to birthday parties or other special events etc. These are boundaries that are set between the two families involved. Sometimes there are contracts, sometimes not. I used to think this was a really bad idea, and I was afraid that it would feel like I wasn't really the mother or something. Or like the birth family would have too much of a say over how we raised the children. Now that I know more about it I am all for open adoption. I think that it is very important for boundaries to be set, and respected. And both parties need to be careful to consider the other party's feelings and emotions. But it can be a wonderful thing, and it is a relationship that I have come to love and appreciate. As I said, our situation is a bit different. Our birth parents had a lot of problems in their life, and were unable to take care of the kids. In fact, there was a lot of abuse, and neglect, and even attempts to kill Ethan, which is why both children were taken from them. Ethan was placed with the father's parents (Adia wasn't born at this time) and they had some health problems and just couldn't take care of a child like Ethan anymore, which is why he was placed for adoption to begin with. We met the grandparents and they chose us to be Ethan's parents. We kept in contact with them while we were waiting for placement, and they were crucial in getting both kids to eventually be placed with us. When we went to pick Ethan up (Adia had been living with a foster family because the grandparents just couldn't handle a newborn on top of all the rest that they were dealing with.) we went to their home, saw where they lived, and met a lot of the family, aunts, uncle, cousins, great aunt, great grandma, etc. We instantly fell in love with them. We knew that it was so hard on them to give these babies to us, but we love them and will always respect them for doing what was best for the kids, and for making our life so complete. They are really wonderful people, and we owe them so much, I can't even express what they mean to us. We still keep in contact with the family through letters and phone calls, and we do see each other face to face whenever we go to California, which unfortunately isn't as often as we would like. As far as the actual birth parents we do not see or contact them for several reasons. One, they have threatened several times to take the children back. At first we didn't think it was much of a problem, however when we went to finalize we were advised to hire a security guard to escort us. We didn't end up doing that, but the moment that we stepped out of our car at the court house until the moment we stepped back into the car after the finalization we were accompanied a state appointed officer. It is a serious thing, and something that we are always on the lookout for, though as the years pass, the fear is fading. Another reason that we don't see them is because Ethan still remembers the things that they did to him, and has nightmares about it. I don't think it would be good for him at this point to see them. We used to have really hard feelings against them, but as time has passed we no longer hate them. We have forgiven them (mostly) and are very grateful that they gave birth to these two beautiful babies. Without them and the choices they made, however bad those may have been, we wouldn't have our family. So now we think of them with kindness (Though we haven't made it to love or even friendship yet, give us time:) and pray for them often, and wish them the best in life. If, when the kids are much older, they think they need to see the biological parents we will support them in that decision, however it needs to be something that they ask for. We will not make that kind of a choice for them. For now we just love the relationship we have with the rest of the family.

Some of our new family.

8. Do you think the kids are going to like being adopted? I don't know, but I hope so. We are really open with them about it. They know that they are adopted. They know that they didn't "grow in my belly". They know that they had other parents first (Ethan even remembers it) and that they came to live with us and be our babies. As they grow up we will continue to give them all of the information they want to have. They know that we are their real parents, and we are, both legally, and for eternity. Their birth certificates list us as their parents, and we had to make an oath in court that we would treat them as our own. There has never been a day that we have thought of them as anything but our own. I think, and pray, that as they grow up they will accept that this is God's will for our family to come together this way, and that He had a plan, and this is the way it was supposed to be.

9. How do you get other family members to accept your children as part of your family? I don't know, but if you figure it out please let me know:) Really we have found that in our family either they really do accept it, and think of them the same way as any other family member, or else they really don't, and never will think of our little family as anything more than second rate there is no in between, and there is no changing minds. Luckily almost all of our family members fall into the first category. We had to make a decision early on that the one's who don't accept it just can't matter that much. I have enough going on in my life that I only have room for the people who are going to love my family. Our relationship with some family, and several friends and community members have just been let go of. We just don't have the energy to keep fighting that fight. And really, we hardly ever miss them. We have enough great, supportive wonderful people around us that we don't need the haters. We only have room for the love:)

More new family

10. If you got a phone call that there was another brother or sister would you adopt them too? If we were given the opportunity, Absolutely! Without question! I have no idea where we would get the money, but if it was an option we would take them in without a second thought. When I think of how life would be different if Ethan and Adia weren't together it breaks my heart. They NEED each other, and they need any other siblings they might have too. If nothing else I would hope that we could be given the opportunity to be in contact with the new sibling so they could know each other and have a relationship.

11. Are you working on a book about your adoption story? Yes! I am. It is a wonderful story, and I love sharing it. I have been told by enough people that it needs to be a book that I finally broke down and started writing it. It's harder than I thought it would be though. I have had a hard time finding the words to accurately describe the extreme heart ache, and ultimate joys that we experienced. Words just don't seem to be enough. That said though, after nearly a year of working on it, I am almost finished with the first draft. I have spoken to a few publishers who want to read it when I'm done, so we will see where it goes. If nothing else it will be a good history to hand down to my kids. (And don't worry Shanna, I will send you a copy:)

Sealing day. The day that we could all start breathing again. This is Our family standing with my parents outside the Monticello Temple.

Well, I hope that this was as fun and educational for everyone else as it was for me. If I got anything wrong please feel free to let me know. Thanks for those of you who participated, your questions were great, and a lot of fun to read. Now for the moment that you have all read through this amazingly long email to get to, I will announce the WINNER! Ready? Drum Roll Please...

The winner is SHANNA!!! Be expecting a package from me soon. (I'm way excited about it, it's one of my favorite things to splurge on. I hope you like it:)