Getting My True Love Back

I'm sure that when you read the title, a few of you wanted to throw up. Don't worry, the divorce is still holding, I'm talking about my real true love. I love photography!:) (Although, if any of you know of any single, nice, good, LDS guys who like kids- particularly mine, I am ready to start looking for the other kind of love too:) I remember when I was a senior in high school, and on the yearbook staff. I remember the first time I passed through the spaceship portal doors into the world of the red glow of darkroom lights and the smell of developer. I remember the first time I rolled my own film, and the excitement of watching an image I had captured magically appear on paper. I was in love. That love only grew as I went on to college and took some photography classes there. I learned how to capture moments and save them forever. I loved the feeling of being able to hold a memory in my hand, and more than that, to preserve memories for other people, and give them that gift. I couldn't get enough. I have boxes and boxes of snapshots that I took before I upgraded to digital. Now I have literally hundreds of discs full of pictures I have taken. I love capturing the look of love between a mother and a daughter, the promise of hope in the silver lining of a cloud, the beauty of an old rusty bucket, that no one ever notices, and to capture the light bouncing off some ordinary object that turns it into a stunning, mystical thing of beauty. I love the feel of my camera in my hand, and security of my camera bag at my side. The tiny click the camera makes when I snap, snap, snap makes my heart race. I love to say "I shoot people for a living", that cracks me up every time. I just love photography.

This spring, through Troy's encouragement I decided to open a photography business. I still have a lot to learn, but Hands On is the best way I know how to learn, so I took the plunge. I loved picking out my lighting and backdrops, getting set up, advertising, the whole thing was exhilerating. And for a few months I was actually pretty busy. I had 3-5 shoots a week, and that was about as much as I really wanted. Things were going great, and a large part of that was due to Troy's support. That is one thing I can really say about Troy is that he supported me in my dreams. Yes, it was me who was the photographer, but it was OUR business.

And then my heart got broken...

And with it went my love of photography. The joy I used to get out of it isn't there anymore. I think because of Troy's support of this dream, I now associate it with him. And because I don't love him the same way I used to I feel like I can't love Photography the same way I used to anymore either. We moved and said goodbye to friends, and a town that we loved- no pictures. We moved to a new place, with new friends to love - no pictures. We have had countless summer adventures, trips to The Falls, and the mountain, and the dessert and red rocks. No pictures. The Fuller Family Reunion which usually gets hundreds of pictures, I didn't even take my camera. I live in La Sal, and if you have ever been here you know that no where else in the world has sunsets quite like these, yet I haven't captured a single one. I leave my camera behind all the time, and if I do force myself to use it, it takes weeks to upload the photos and even look at them. I have turned down jobs because I don't feel like I can do a good job right now. It's like I am starting to put my shattered heart back together again, and while most of it is fitting and healing quite nicely, there is this one piece that is still missing.

So how do I get it back? How do I start loving it again? Is it something that will come back, or should I just let it go? Should I give it time, or should I force myself to do it until I start liking it again? Have you ever felt like this? What did you do about it? I need help here people. I am looking for answers. Let me know what you think. Help a girl find her true love again...:)

And thanks for continuing to read even though it seems like I have way more sappy posts than fun ones lately:) I promise someday soon I'll get it back together, and blogging will be fun again...