Q: After several years of Miscarriage my Husband and I are looking into adoption. Do you have any fundraising ideas that have been successful?
A: Options are unlimited when it comes to fundraising. The Sky is the limit. We didn't do any fundraising other than both of us got a second job, but we have helped out with a bunch of great ideas, so here are a few:
First of all, get a blog or website with a paypal button. It might seem lame, but if people know what your purpose is they are more likely to donate, plus it's a great resource to send people who have questions, it's easy to make up a little business card and give them to your friends and family to pass out to people they know. You'll be amazed at what a little networking can do, plus it doesn't cost much, if anything.
Another great idea is a yard sale. Clean out your old junk, and advertise it as a fundraiser for adoption. You could even ask your church, neighbors, family, etc. to donate things. Once again this one wouldn't cost much, but the return is pretty good. And anything that doesn't sell, just list it on ebay or craigslist.
You could make and sell things. (jewelry artwork, crafts, photography, whatever your talent is)
You could have a fundraiser dinner. It is a little pricy upfront, but if you choose a simple and cheap menu, find a free venue, like a church or community center, get volunteers to help run it, and advertise like crazy you can make some great money. Plus if you tell people what it's for, a lot will just donate even if they can't make it. You could also do a raffle or silent auction at the same time. Get people to donate things, or ask at local businesses for gift cards or products. I have found that if people know it's for a good cause they generally have a pretty good heart.
Ask your place of employment if they have funds set aside for something like this. A lot of places do, and if they don't they can help in other ways like advertising or donating etc.
There are some businesses like Applebees and Kohls and Sentsy that have fundraising opportunities that are really generous, check some of them out.
And there is always the old stand by of a car wash or bake sale.
If none of these sound appealing send me a message and we can talk about a few other ideas I might have.
Q: We are looking into both Domestic Adoption and Foster/Adoption. I have looked into several agencies, and really not sure what sure what i am looking for. Do you know of any websites or resources that could help in choosing a good agency? I really don't want to get scammed or go with an agency that is not in good standing.
A: I have only worked with two agencies, LDSFS and DCFS so I might not be the best person to ask this question to. I do have a list of agencies that friends of mine have used, if you are interested in that email me and we'll "talk". Also some good resources are HERE and HERE. But one thing that I can tell you is that your best chance of not getting scammed is to use a trustworthy agency. They can assure that you aren't being scammed, and if you are they will catch it right away before too much damage is done. The best way that I know to pick an agency is to check out several. Set up interviews, get to know them, ask them all of your questions, get references of people you could actually call and ask about their experience. If they can't provide you that, they probably aren't the right choice. You also need to have somewhat of an idea what you are looking for. You need to know how you feel about race, gender, special needs, age, etc. There are agencies that specialize in different areas, so figure out what you want and then find an agency to fit your situation.
Q:What was the transition like for Ethan and Adia and you once you became a family?
A: The transition was something I hadn't really thought about before placement. I just assumed that because we were meant to be a family we would bring them home and it would be just like we had always been that way. But each of us had huge adjustments to make because each of us was coming from a different situation. Troy and I were coming from being just the two of us to two kids, one an infant and the other with significant special needs. Ethan was going from a very unstable environment where he was being shipped from foster home to foster home and back again to a VERY stable situation with rules to follow and people to enforce them. We also added the element of a baby sister to his life. Adia went from being the only baby in a single parent foster home to a home with two much younger parents and a wild brother. The kids also changed climates and that effected their health as far as breathing (HUGE elevation difference) illness (HUGE weather differences) and Allergies (WAY different pollen in the air) We all had adjustments to make. Troy and I thought we were pretty prepared because I had previously owned a daycare. SURPRISE! Your own kids don't go away at the end of the day, and there are no weekends or holidays. We also thought we had baby-proofed the house pretty well, and we had, but we hadn't Ethan-proofed the house one bit. Within the first 24 hours of being home Ethan managed to break most of my heirloom china and rip every single one of our wedding pictures. But in reality the kids seemed to fit right into our home, and they loved each other from day one. They both thrived in the environment, and that, in turn helped Troy and I adjust well too. But to say that things clicked from the first second would be untrue. We had many many days (weeks, months years...:) of messy houses, tv dinners, and me going to bed still in my pajamas from the night before.
Q:Was it hard for Ethan to accept that he had a new Mommy?
A: He didn't have a problem with that at all. Actually, the fact that he didn't is kind of sad. His birth mom was not acting like a mom for the first two years, so he was kind of unsure about the role of a mother to begin with. Then he was put in his grandparent's home who were both ill and unable to really take care of him. They placed him for adoption where he was moved to several different foster homes and then put back with his grandparents, so to him "mom" was a word associated with the primary female caregiver. There was no love or attachment associated with it at all. So he accepted me as the new mom upon first meeting, but it took a long time before he figured out what a real mom meant.
Q:Does it bug you that we all forget that your kids are adopted?
A: Not a bit. They fit into our family so well, that sometimes it easy to forget that they haven't always been a part of it. I like that they have been so accepted by everyone. It makes me smile when people say thing like "she looks just like her mom", or "He has your personality". Adoption is not who our family is. Yes, it helped shape who we are, but there is a lot more to us than just adoption. It's only one aspect of our lives. We represent the kind of miracle adoption can provide, so every day we are open to talking about it, and sharing it, but we are much more than that too. So while I don't hide it, and I am proud of my little adoptive family, I also rejoice that it gets forgotten and acceptance and love takes it's place in our every day life.
A: Not a bit. They fit into our family so well, that sometimes it easy to forget that they haven't always been a part of it. I like that they have been so accepted by everyone. It makes me smile when people say thing like "she looks just like her mom", or "He has your personality". Adoption is not who our family is. Yes, it helped shape who we are, but there is a lot more to us than just adoption. It's only one aspect of our lives. We represent the kind of miracle adoption can provide, so every day we are open to talking about it, and sharing it, but we are much more than that too. So while I don't hide it, and I am proud of my little adoptive family, I also rejoice that it gets forgotten and acceptance and love takes it's place in our every day life.
Q: As a homosexual male, my partner and I have sound some resistance to our desire to adopt. Do you have any suggestions that might help us in our quest to become parents?
A: I don't personally have a lot of experience with this variable in relation to adoption, so I don't have a lot of advice. But I will say that I would work with an agency if I were you, and one that is known to work with homosexual couples. They would be more likely to understand your situation, and know what the laws and your rights are. They would probably also have more birthparents who are likely to not be judgemental about your sexuality. Also, I have heard (but don't know for a fact) that foreign adoption is easier than domestic adoption for the gay community to get approval.
Q: Don't you think open adoption is just... weird? I mean, how can you feel like the parents if the real parents are so involved? Doesn't that just make you like an intern babysitter?
A: No, I don't think it's weird, but I would be lying if I say that I totally understood it at first. I had some of the same questions as you, but as I have been involved in open adoption I have come to love it. I am the "real" parent. I changed all the diapers, quieted all the fears, kissed all the booboos, witnessed all the milestones. I'm the mom, for real. But the birth family is real too. They gave birth to real children, they made real sacrifices, they gave me the opportunity to do all of those real mom things, they have a real investment in the situation. But, in choosing to place (or in my case, choosing NOT to parent) they made the choice that I would be the legal parent to the child. I have rights just like any parent. If for some reason the birth family disagreed with my parenting, or a choice I made, I still have legal right to the child. They are MY children. Having a birth family involved just means that I have a much larger network of people who love, care about, and strive to help my kids. It's a bonus, not a struggle. And honestly, having gotten to know the birth family, I feel blessed to have them in my life. So, to answer your question, no, not weird, just different... and AWESOME!!!:)
Q: Most things that have an awareness month is in hopes of finding a cure. Why is there an adoption awareness month? Are you hoping to cure adoption? There already are some of those... parenting, abortion, contraception, abstainence... A: Adoption Awareness Month is not to find a cure for adoption, it is to find a cure for ignorance surrounding adoption. It is just what it says, it is to raise awareness that there is this wonderful beautiful option as apposed to parenting or abortion. There is an option for couples struggling with infertility other than loneliness or bitterness or longing. This month is for dispelling myths, educating others, and sharing the joy that can come from adoption.
Q: I know a few people that are trying to adopt and some for several years now. Is there anything that you would tell them if they are getting frustrated and ready to give up? Any words of encouragement?
A: Mostly I would say hang in there and eventually they will be able to look back and see that it was totally worth the wait. However, I know from experience that those things are really easy to say when it isn't you who is waiting. There are also a lot of ways to hurry the process along. For instance there are some active looking ideas that can help you find more efficiently, and there are certain agencies that guarantee a placement within 6 months, and foster care will usually place quickly (though not all placements will result in adoption), etc. But I also know that it is something that needs to be approached delecately and is better if the waiting couple asks for advice rather than being told what to do. And also, I am one who believes with all of my heart that you can't rush it. When your baby is ready for you things will happen, and not before. And that isn't easy to hear when you are waiting either, but I have found it to be true. So my advice to you is to be a shoulder for them. Let them know that you care and are there to listen, but don't overwhelm them with questions about why it is taking so long. You can share their profile, pass out their pass along card, and tell everyone you know that they are looking, but other than that just be super positive and supportive, and wait.
A: Mostly I would say hang in there and eventually they will be able to look back and see that it was totally worth the wait. However, I know from experience that those things are really easy to say when it isn't you who is waiting. There are also a lot of ways to hurry the process along. For instance there are some active looking ideas that can help you find more efficiently, and there are certain agencies that guarantee a placement within 6 months, and foster care will usually place quickly (though not all placements will result in adoption), etc. But I also know that it is something that needs to be approached delecately and is better if the waiting couple asks for advice rather than being told what to do. And also, I am one who believes with all of my heart that you can't rush it. When your baby is ready for you things will happen, and not before. And that isn't easy to hear when you are waiting either, but I have found it to be true. So my advice to you is to be a shoulder for them. Let them know that you care and are there to listen, but don't overwhelm them with questions about why it is taking so long. You can share their profile, pass out their pass along card, and tell everyone you know that they are looking, but other than that just be super positive and supportive, and wait.
Q: Who chooses what kind of adoption (open or closed) it will be?
A: It is generally something that is agreed upon by both parties. You both work out the details prior to placement. Sometimes it is legal requirements that state how often and in what ways you contact each other, but more often it is just a verbal agreement. You can choose if you want visits and how often, or if you are more comfortable with just phone calls or just letters, it's up to you. With our family there is no set rules, but we try to go visit them once a year and we call on holidays and send a couple of letters a month. It works well for us, but you can have much more, or much less contact than that. It just depends what both of you decide.
Q: How did you explain adoption, "birth parents", etc without explaing the "biological details" when they were young?
A: I am pretty open with my kids. They know their birth family, they know that they are adopted, and they know that babies grow in bellies. So I just explained it that adoption means that they grew in Skylar's belly because I couldn't grow them in mine, and then after Adia was born they came to live with me so I could be their mom. Now they have a little more information because they can understand a little bit more, but that's the basic story.
Q: Do the kids know the condition they were in with their birth parents?
A: Yeah, mostly. Like I said, we are really open. They don't know the gritty details, but they know that their birth parents couldn't take care of them because they had some drug and alcohol problems. We talk about why drugs and alcohol are bad for us, because they can hurt more than just our own bodies. We talk about how much courage it takes to admit that you need help. They have a pretty good understanding about everything they need to know for now.
Q: How did you cope with the divorce, as far as getting through it with your children? I know that when I went through mine, it was a difficult thing, emotionally, as well as legally, but does the fact that they were adopted change things?
A: First of all, the first question, we got through the divorce by having open communication. My kids can ask me any question, or tell me any feeling they have, knowing that I will not judge them, I will not lie to them, and I will not turn their feelings into my own pain. They can tell me they are angry with me, and that's alright. They can tell me they miss their dad, and it doesn't hurt my feelings. They can ask me questions about how this will affect their future, and they know I will give them an honest answer. Sometimes that's hard, but it has made all the difference in the way the three of us have adjusted to this change, and the way we have grown closer in our relationship with each other. As for the second question, adoption doesn't really change too much about divorce. It doesn't change anything legally, when we finalized the adoption we became their legal parents, so divorce works the same way as it would with biological children. It does cause some concerns with Ethan emotionally but that has more to do with his attachment disorder and mental disabilities than it does with actually being adopted, and the open communication we have had has made it a good adjustment for him. The only way that adoption plays much of a part in our divorce is a personal one. I personally feel a lot of guilt. When we adopted our kids I promised that I would be a good mom. I would provide a happy, stable home for these kids. I would give them opportunities they wouldn't have with their original situation. I would give them a good family. I still provide all of those things for the kids, but I feel a little bit like I let everyone down. Obviously I couldn't have predicted the events that have led me to this point. I didn't know what was coming, and I have done my best to make their life just as good if not better than it was before the divorce. But obviously, things have changed. Are some things missing? Sure. Our life is not the same. Not every moment is a happy one. Have the kids been hurt? Yeah. So that is where the guilt comes in. I feel like I let the birth family down. Like the failure of my marriage is somehow a failure to keep my end of the bargain. I wonder if they regret placing the kids with me. I wonder if they wish they had chosen someone else, or kept them, themselves. I wonder if THEY feel I let them down the way I feel I have let them down. As an adoptive mom I have always felt a little bit of pressure to be the best mom ever, like I need to prove my worthiness or something, and the divorce really heightens those feelings, like I have even more to prove. Like now I not only have to be the best mom in the world, but I have to compensate, and be the best dad in the world too. I know that this is my own insecurities making me feel that way, but it doesn't change the fact that I do feel that way, and that I feel like I am failing miserably. And that's how, for me, adoption effects divorce.
Q: Do pass along card really work?
A: YES! For those of you who don't know, pass along cards are little cards, usually the size of business cards or slightly larger with pictures and information about a family who is hoping to adopt. They are a really great way to spread the word that you are adopting. You never know who you might encounter. Your mom might start talking to the girl who is cleaning her teeth about you and your hope to adopt, give her a pass along card, and then a few months later when the girl's roommate finds out she's pregnant the first thing that comes to her mind is you. (this really happened to a friend of mine) It's just a great way to network and get the word out. Print a bunch out, send them to all of your friends and family and ask them to help you hand them out. Any time the subject of kids or families, or home life, etc. comes up work adoption into the conversation and hand out a card. It's incredible how well it works.
A: YES! For those of you who don't know, pass along cards are little cards, usually the size of business cards or slightly larger with pictures and information about a family who is hoping to adopt. They are a really great way to spread the word that you are adopting. You never know who you might encounter. Your mom might start talking to the girl who is cleaning her teeth about you and your hope to adopt, give her a pass along card, and then a few months later when the girl's roommate finds out she's pregnant the first thing that comes to her mind is you. (this really happened to a friend of mine) It's just a great way to network and get the word out. Print a bunch out, send them to all of your friends and family and ask them to help you hand them out. Any time the subject of kids or families, or home life, etc. comes up work adoption into the conversation and hand out a card. It's incredible how well it works.
Q: Is there something I can do to be more sensitive than I am?
A: There are a lot of things you can do to be sensitive and support those who are experiencing adoption from any angle. The very best way, I think is to be there. Whether you are supporting a birth mom, and adoptee, an adoptive parent, someone who has just discovered their infertility or anyone else, it's important to let them know you care about them. Don't give advice, don't lecture, just listen. Another great way to be sensitive is to learn the lingo. Find out what your friend is talking about, understand the meaning of the words they use. Know to say "place" instead of "give up" the baby, and other things like that. Just be educated. And ask your friend what you can do to support them. They might need a night out, or a visit, or a brownie. They might need you to attend an awareness walk or hand out pass along cards, or write a letter or recommendation. Whatever they need, be there. And don't cut them out of your happiness. I know that there have been a lot of friends who don't share with me that they are pregnant for fear that they will hurt my feelings when in reality that hurts the most. If you are my friend I want to be happy when you are happy, so let me. Mainly, the thing you need to remember is to treat people the way you would want to be treated.
SO, I hope you enjoyed yourself. If you didn't get the answer you were hoping for, or if you have additional questions please feel free to ask them. Now on to the exciting part... THE GIVEAWAY!!!
And the winner is...
Drawn randomly using the name in a hat method by Adia's fat little hand...
Are you ready???
A: There are a lot of things you can do to be sensitive and support those who are experiencing adoption from any angle. The very best way, I think is to be there. Whether you are supporting a birth mom, and adoptee, an adoptive parent, someone who has just discovered their infertility or anyone else, it's important to let them know you care about them. Don't give advice, don't lecture, just listen. Another great way to be sensitive is to learn the lingo. Find out what your friend is talking about, understand the meaning of the words they use. Know to say "place" instead of "give up" the baby, and other things like that. Just be educated. And ask your friend what you can do to support them. They might need a night out, or a visit, or a brownie. They might need you to attend an awareness walk or hand out pass along cards, or write a letter or recommendation. Whatever they need, be there. And don't cut them out of your happiness. I know that there have been a lot of friends who don't share with me that they are pregnant for fear that they will hurt my feelings when in reality that hurts the most. If you are my friend I want to be happy when you are happy, so let me. Mainly, the thing you need to remember is to treat people the way you would want to be treated.
SO, I hope you enjoyed yourself. If you didn't get the answer you were hoping for, or if you have additional questions please feel free to ask them. Now on to the exciting part... THE GIVEAWAY!!!
And the winner is...
Drawn randomly using the name in a hat method by Adia's fat little hand...
Are you ready???
Bobbi!
Yay! Go to The Adopt Shoppe and pick out your favorite
Let me know what you want and I will order it for you.
And if you are disappointed that you didn't win head over to the shoppe and pick out something nice for yourself. It's for a good cause.
Yay!!!! thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat answers Katie.