Q: I'm not ready to adopt yet but am planning on it. Is there anything I can do to prepare (multiple years before being ready for it)
A: There are some great things you can do right now. First, it's a really great idea to figure out how you feel about adoption. I'm not kidding. Sometimes people rush into it, or make plans because they think that's what they are "supposed to" do. In reality, adoption is a big deal, and it isn't for everyone, so if you are thinking about adopting, you first need to figure out where you head is in regards to the real issues you are going to have to face. You can do this through seeing a counselor or psychiatrist, a church leader, a respected friend, through journaling - whatever works best for you. Another thing you can do is research. There are a lot of different options when it comes to adoption, and now is a great time to figure out which you are interested in and which you are not. You can also learn more about the process of adoption- this is something I wish I would have done before hand. And then there is always the money factor. Adoption is usually pretty expensive, and now is a great time to start saving up. Whatever you choose to do or not to do, good luck on your journey. If you ever have any other questions, please fill free to ask me.
Q: What if you are old (almost 46) and you think your home and your heart will have room in a couple years to welcome a little older kid, like maybe 8 or older but you really have issues with the foster care system? Are there other avenues to go through for something like that?
A:Opening your heart to an older kid is a great idea! Most kids over the age of 5 will never be adopted and eventually end up aging out of the system with no support to lean on as they go through those tough transitioning years. In my job, this is something that we focus a lot on - finding placements for older kids - if not adoptive, at least a supportive family who will give them a place to come for holidays and be there at their graduation to cheer them on. It makes a HUGE difference when it comes to how successful the child will be in the future. There are literally hundreds of thousands of older kids who are available for adoption in our country RIGHT NOW! Unfortunately finding them without Foster Care involvement is a very rare thing. There are a few options, for example, if the parent is going to terminate custody without having involvement from the state (for example, the teen is too much for the parent to handle, and they just can't take it anymore, and want to get rid of the child - surprisingly it happens), and you catch them BEFORE they relinquish or report to the court you could possibly work out a private adoption- though knowing someone who is going to do this, and catching them before they report it would be really rare. And it's not like you can put out an ad in the paper: seeking fed up parent of teen/ tween looking to free themselves of responsibility... I'm pretty sure there are laws against that:) Or, occasionally an agency will get a sibling placement with an older child - but that is rare, and most agencies now don't even accept older children now. And of course there is always international adoption, which would be the most likely way to find an older child. But unfortunately, if you want to adopt domestically, you will probably have to go through the Foster System. Believe me - I have first hand knowledge that a lot of people hate Foster, especially in your area, and I know that there are some huge issues that need to be changed - even as an employee, I can say that. But if you are really serious about adopting an older child, you will probably just have to jump through the hoops and deal with the system. There are some things that you can do to help the process run more smoothly though, and the biggest one is to become educated. If you know more about the process, you won't be blind sided by things the way I was when I adopted my kids. You will also be more patient if you understand why the laws are in place. It can also be really helpful to develop a good working relationship with your caseworker- if you realize that they really are on your side - and trust me, I see the inner workings of the office, so I know that they truly want to do what's best for the child - you will be more willing to accept the roadblocks that are put in your path by the LEGAL system (not the foster system). So, sorry that this isn't better news for you, but to answer your question, no, there really aren't many other avenues to pursue.
Q: If a couple would like to operate a foster home for children, how could/should one go about doing that? What does the couple need to have?
A: The absolute most important things that a couple should have is a lot of extra love, and patience. If you are going to be a foster parent, you will need it. The best way to get started with foster care is to contact the DCFS in your area. They will be able to tell you what you need to do. You will have to complete a homestudy, which will include a bunch of history, paperwork, letters of reference, background checks, home inspections, etc. You will need a home with a certain number of square feet per child, and it needs to be in good working order - properly functioning windows, indoor plumbing, free of hazards, etc. You will need to complete parenting classes, and be CPR and First Aid certified. This is basically it if you just want to be a foster family. If you are interested in being a foster HOME - meaning you can have several foster children at once on a transitional, short term basis, there are a few more requirements such as proper insurance and licensing- if that is something you are interested in the easiest, most affordable way to go about it would be to contract through a residential program agency. They can help you through the process and will secure your licensing and cover your training and insurance costs, plus they will be there to support you as you have questions or unexpected things come up.
Q: Knowing what you know now, if you could conceive children would you still adopt? why or why not?
A: I actually can conceive children, and I would be lying if I said that baring a child is not an experience I would love to have. If my circumstances change and I remarry before I am too old - which is coming up, I turned the big 3-0 this year :)- I fully plan on having that experience. But if I had it to do over again I do think I would still adopt. I have planned on adopting for my whole life, I just didn't think I would do it when I did. Our adoption experience was a really difficult one, but it was an experience that made me who I am, so yes, I would adopt again if given a chance. Plus, I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have Ethan and Adia. If you know us at all you are fully aware that we complete each other. Can you even imagine any one of us without the others? It just isn't even an option.
Q: Have you seen any major differences in your course work/ personal life with families that have a mix of biological children and adopted children, as opposed to just having adopted children?
A: I'm guessing that your question is referring to acceptance and bonding. (If not, I apologise and if you write me back to clarify I would be happy to answer the right question.:) In my experience I have seen parents with only adoptive children who love those children as much as they could ever love a child who they gave birth to. But I'm also seen the opposite. I have seen the same two sides with families made up of both adoptive and biological kids too. Sometimes the family bonds with all their children equally and sometimes there is favoritism- for either party. In my experience the thing that has the most impact on bonding and acceptance is not how the children came to the family, but the attitude of the family. If you, as a parent think of your children in terms of bio vs adopted then you will treat them that way whether you mean to or not. If you allow your kids to think in terms of being different from each other they will treat each other differently. If you love all of your children unconditionally no matter where they came from, what baggage they bring along with them, or what blood lines they have, they will know that, and your home and life will reflect it. The outcome all depends on your attitude. When you legally adopt a child you appear before a judge, raise your hand, and swear that you will love that child and treat it as if it were born to you. There is very specific language that is used, which I can't repeat verbatim, but it gives me chills each time I hear it. If you actually keep that promise, and love the child in that way it won't matter if you have biological children as well, your children will be YOUR children. In my experience, the families who take that vow seriously are strong and tight and full of love for each other. This doesn't mean that they don't struggle, all families do, but they have what it takes to pull through together. Sadly, this isn't always the case. And when it's not, the entire family suffers.
Q: I recently heard about adoption scammers. - What the heck?!
A: I feel the same way! Adoption scamming is a real thing. In fact, it happened to a good friend of mine a couple of years ago - she blogged about it, and you can read her story , updates, and the stories of others HERE. Basically, the short of it is that people prey on innocent families who are hoping to adopt by pretending that they have a baby they are planning on placing with this family, but they really don't. Sometimes they do it just for attention and excitement, (I believe that it is because they have some form or another of a mental illness) sometimes they might accept gifts, money, or other items, and they are doing it out of greed (Again, I suspect some mental illness.- I'm not saying this to be funny, I really do think that) Often people who are trying to adopt are a little bit vulnerable. Infertility and adoption can be pretty emotional things to go through, and these people take advantage of that. You don't really want me to get into this, because it make my blood pressure rise, and I go off on a tangent, but if you are interested in knowing more, really do go check out the link above. She does a really good job of explaining it - you will be horrified.
Q: What does your family think about having kids that don't really belong?
A: We don't have kids that don't belong, so I'm not sure what they would think. My kids have belonged since the moment we brought them home. I think you are probably asking what my family thinks about my having kids who were adopted. I am really lucky that my family and close friends see adoption the same way I do. They are my kids, they just took a different way to get here. Honestly, most of the time they forget that my kids weren't born into this family. They look like me, they act EXACTLY like me (this makes me proud and horrified all at once) they are mine. I appreciate my family and friends for accepting my kids with open hearts. "Adopted" isn't who my kids are, it's just a part of their story, and our support system gets that.
Q: Were you just devastated when you had to adopt instead of have your own kids?
A: I do have my own kids. They aren't biological, but they are mine. But I imagine the question you are asking is was I devastated when I found out that I wouldn't be having biological kids, and the answer is - a little bit. Troy (my husband at the time) and I had pretty different reactions to this news. I was sad - I had some heartache and I had to morn the loss of the life I thought I would have. But I owned that, and then I was able to build a new dream and be perfectly content and happy with that dream as well. Troy, on the other hand didn't do this the same way I did. (I talked a little more about this subject HERE) He let the pain eat at him - this was possibly because the infertility was on his part and he blamed himself for not being able to give me my dream, or it was possibly just the way he dealt with his pain, but he bottled it up until it effected the person he was. It changed him, and hurt him, and it's something that, even now, I think he is still suffering with. It's not that he doesn't love our kids, or that he thought adoption was a lesser option, it's just that he truly was devastated by the news. Everyone handles that kind of thing differently. For me, it was less painful than it is for most, and I don't know why. But I do know, that if you are struggling with infertility you need to not let it destroy you or define you. You need to deal with it. That doesn't mean "get over it", because I promise, no matter how well you deal with it, there will be days, even years later, that your pain will come back and slap you to your knees. It's not something you get over, but it is something you survive, and if you don't work on surviving I know from experience that it can eat you alive.
Q: My best friend and her husband struggle with infertility, and now they are beginning the adoption journey. Do you have any suggestions for ways that I can support her as she goes through this?
This was the hot question this year. I got 4 similar questions. I chose to post this one, but this answer is geared toward all of you who asked it, and you will all get an entry in the contest for your question.
A: When you haven't been through something like this it's hard to understand. You want to be there for your friend, but what do you say? You can't sympathize, you can't fix it, you can't stop the hurt. You probably feel really helpless. But the fact that you are asking this question means that you are already the kind of friend she needs. And, no knowing her, I can't tell you what to do, but I can give a few suggestions. First of all, it is better if the waiting couple asks for advice rather than being told what to do. If you tell them about how your mother's best friend's sister in law's neighbor got pregnant as soon as she started trying to adopt, or that if she would just relax it would happen, you are essentially just minimizing this incredibly difficult thing she is going through. Hold back on the advice and the encouraging stories, and just give her space to move forward the ways she wants.You should be a shoulder for her to cry on. You should let her know that you care, and that you are there to listen. If she has decided to pursue adoption, get educated about it so that you know what she's talking about and you don't overwhelm her with questions about what comes next, or why it's taking so long. If she hasn't decided on adoption, don't push it on her. You can share their profile, pass out their pass along cards, and spread the word - as long as she gives you permission first. Also, be patient with her. She might not want to go out on the town. She might not want to come to your house as often. She might love your kids, but she might just not be able to be around them all the time - it's nothing against you, it's just a painful reminder of something she doesn't have. I remember when we were trying to adopt, and it wasn't going well - we had just been told that our kids would probably be returned to their birth family, my best friends had their first baby. I went to the hospital and held their baby boy and visited with them, and all the while, my heart was breaking. I got in my car and cried all the way home and then climbed into bed and stayed there sobbing for the rest of the day. It was a lesson to me that I couldn't force things like that on myself. My friends were so supportive and understanding when I didn't come around again right away, or when I didn't want to hold him very often. They knew that I loved them and their little guy, and so they respected my process and never made me feel guilty for holding back a little. And now I love that kid like crazy and I squeeze him every chance I get! I guess what I'm saying is just love her. She'll make it through, but she'll need you. She'll let you know what you can do when she figures it out.
So That's the end of this year's Q&A. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. A big thanks to everyone who participated. You had some great questions this year. Now for the moment you have all been waiting for...
The winner is...
Tashery W (you should get extra points for having such a great name. That was on my list when we were trying to find a name for Adia. I love it!)
I will be emailing you soon with info on how to claim your prize.
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