Then There Were Three: Forgive #18

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

I'm naturally pretty good at forgiving other people. I have been since I was young, I just don't hold on to things very often. But there have been a few times in my life that I had a hard time forgiving. Like that time with Gary Thornbaum, or those rude missionaries, and the guy who sings the "I'm too sexy" song. But probably the hardest people for me to forgive were Ethan and Adia's birth parents. Before the kids were placed with us I hadn't really thought much about the birth parents. I had this overwhelming love for the grandparents who had been taking care of Ethan while he was in foster care, but while I had heard about the birthparents, I had never met or talked to them, so they almost didn't think much about them. But then placement day came around, and suddenly the reality of what they had done to the kids became MY reality. Adia had some health problems from the Meth, and Ethan had a laundry list of problems associated with his life with them. HE would have horrible night terrors and wake up screaming and crying and talking about the things that had happened to him. He would hide food all around our house because he had been starved so often. He struggled with even the most basic things, and each struggle we had caused me more and more anger toward his birth parents. I just got angrier and angrier, and as our adoption kept hitting roadblock after roadblock it continued to fester. Finally after having the kids for about 9 months we got word that for the first time the birthparents were starting to get their lives together. They were following judges orders, they were attending their meetings, and living in stable conditions, and doing really well in their efforts. And I'm ashamed to say that this news broke my heart. I didn't want them to succeed, because their success meant that I would lose my children. For months I was ripped apart. I hated them so badly, I wished that bad things would happen to them. I was so angry with them, with the judge, with our situation, with myself. It was destroying me. But then one day I went to the temple. I was just finishing up there and was getting ready to leave. In the temple there is a "prayer list". Anyone can add any name to a slip of paper, and then the names are collected and a special prayer is said for those people. It is a special, and comforting thing, and I always take an opportunity to add some names of people I love to the list. That day as I was leaving I stopped by the bos to add some names to the list, and suddenly I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to add the birth parent's names to the list. This immediately created conflict in my heart. Adding their names to the list meant a real possibility that they would continue to improve, and in turn a real possibility that I would lose out on the chance to be a mother. I didn't want to do it, but I knew I needed to. I stood at the box, tears rolling down my face, for what must have been ten minutes before I finally wrote their names down to be added to the list. And the second I placed their names in the box I was filled with peace as overwhelming as my pain had been just moments before. I knew in an instant that if I tried to love them things would work out for them AND for us. And a few months later things did work out, we were able to finalize our adoption and be sealed to the kids. And I still pray for them, but now it isn't a difficult thing. I want them to succeed, I even want a relationship with them some day when my kids are older and able to fully process the situation. And I have learned that there is strength in forgiveness, and peace, and joy.