3 fears #2

The question from THE LIST was: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and how they became fears. I have decided  to change it up just a bit. I don't actually have "legitimate" fears. I can handle just about anything that comes our way, and I can be pretty calm about it - (Until it's over anyway) Normal, Rational things don't bother me much at all. It's the IRRATIONAL things that scare the pants off of me. So I decided to take "legitimate" out of the question. Now it's just my 3 biggest fears. I've already told you about my fear of MICE, PUBLIC RESTROOMS, and Ethan's FLIP FLOPS, and I don't want you to think I'm a total idiot so I won't tell you about my fear of Dolly Parton and Mr. Clean... So I narrowed it down to these three.

1. I am SO afraid of running out of toilet paper. I'm not kidding. When most people graduate from high school and go on to college they are usually afraid of meeting new people, or getting along with roommates, or keeping up in their classes, finding a job, getting lost on campus, things like that. NONE of that was a worry for me. The only thing I could  think of was running out of toilet paper and not having enough money to buy more. I'm not sure why, I'm sure my parents would have sent me money for toilet paper, or I could have found enough change in my couch cushions for a roll, or if I had been really desperate I could have stolen a roll out of one of the restrooms at the college- I'm sure it happens. But none of that eased my fears. I bought cases of toilet paper and kept them under my bed. And I was stingy. It took some convincing for me to share when someone else in the house ran out, and I always insisted on them replacing it as soon as possible- you know, in case I went through 200 other rolls during the day before they got home from the grocery store. And though I have become less intense over the years I still have two cases on hand at all times. And I live in a TINY apartment - we really don't have room for anything unnecessary but to me this is necessary. So, if there is ever a natural disaster, and you run out of toilet paper and you can't buy any, come to me. It's going to cost you, I'm sure, but rest assured, I will have some.

2. I'm afraid to death of someone taking my kids. This started out as a legitimate fear. When we were trying to adopt the kids we had some situations where this was a real possibility, and I had a right, even a need at some times to be afraid of losing my children. But as time has gone on the danger has pretty much passed and my fear has become pretty irrational. I mean, all parents are afraid of their kids being kidnapped or something, but I am over the top. I make my kids hold hands with me any time we are in public places. (they are 10 and 7 - too old for that, I know.) I'm a total helicopter mom, hovering over them any time they aren't safe in my home. If they are playing with a friend I am in constant fear, and even have been known to call and check on them at an inappropriate level. I have strict rules about who is aloud to pick my kids up from school or extra-curricular activities, and I make sure that who ever is in charge is VERY aware of the rules. We have "public safety" discussions ( I don't teach my kids "stranger danger" it is really ineffective when you consider that the majority of crimes committed against kids are done by people they know - but I'll save that for another post - I could go on and on about this:) literally three or four times a month. I'm out of control, and I realize it. When I was thinking about this question, I was wondering where this fear came from, and I think it goes back to when we were struggling with infertility. I don't think I've ever blogged about this- mostly because I don't want to be sent to jail - but this month is about being real, so I'll tell you a story about me. I wanted a baby SO MUCH, but we had been told that the likelihood of that happening was slim. My heart was broken, and everywhere I looked there were people with babies. And sadly, many of those people weren't taking the best care of their kids. I even had a few friends who had gotten pregnant and didn't want to be or complained about being pregnant or how hard being a parent was. One time one of my friends and her husband were complaining to us that they were expecting a girl but what they really wanted was a boy and we actually offered to BUY THEIR BABY! Troy even got out the checkbook and asked them to name their price! I owned a daycare at the time, and I had a parent who would "forget" to pick her daughter up for HOURS after I closed, and when she would bring her she was filthy and usually still in the clothes I had put her in the day before. My heart was broken and damaged, and every where I looked there were people who didn't appreciate the amazing gift they had that I never would. And one day something snapped in me. I seriously planned out kidnapping the baby from my daycare. Where would I go, what would I say, would the mother even notice? Luckily I snapped back into reality right away, but still, I thought heavily about it. I would see kids in public places and their parents wouldn't be taking care of them the way they should, or would be yelling at them or treating them badly, and I would think "I could kidnap that kid so easily." And I really thought I would be saving them - doing them a favor. I don't think I actually would have kidnapped anyone, but I certainly wasn't in a healthy state at that point. But then I got my kids (to read more about that go HERE) and it was such a precious gift I couldn't imagine losing them. But I had been inside a kidnappers head. I knew the kind of emotions that could drive someone to taking someone else's child, and that scared me. And that fear has never gone away. And in the spirit of full disclosure, to this day when I see children unattended in public places I think of how easy it would be to take them. BUT now that I have kids of my own my hands are so full there is no way I would actually take someone else's against their will, so I no longer consider myself a danger. :) Please don't turn me in!

3. I am scared out of my mind of drive through windows. Seriously, I nearly give myself panic attacks. I have to rehearse what I'm going to say before I get there, I require TOTAL silence in the car, my palms get sweaty, I'm a wreck. In fact, before I had kids I would actually park the car and go inside even if I wasn't staying to eat at the restaurant. Now that I have kids it's too much work and I just use the drive through anyway, but I still totally stress myself out.