Naughty!

Yesterday Ethan was getting on Adia's nerves. She came in whining and I asked what was wrong.

"Oh, that damn Ethan keeps bugging me!"

"Adia! Don't say that word!"

"No mom, I said damn. DAMN, see?"

"Adia, that's a naughty word, don't say it again!"

"Daaaammmmn mom, dammmmn!"

"Adia, Enough!"

"Mom, you don't understand, I'm not saying dumb. That's the bad one."

For some sick reason, that made me laugh. Maybe because she just kept saying it over and over, really enunciating it each time, or maybe because she thought "dumb" was worse, or maybe because I can just imagine all the people she said that word too because she thought it wasn't "the bad one"(or possibly because I am running on entirely too little sleep). Whatever the reason, I couldn't stop myself from giggling, and had to escape to my room for a time out before we could have a conversation about it. Where the heck did she hear that? She thought it meant naughty, so whoever taught it to her was not using it in quite the right context. (I know it wasn't me because the way I use that word, it totally wouldn't work in a situation where "naughty" could be substituted:)

Today

A year ago today my life changed forever. That might sound extreme, but it's true. That's not a bad thing, though at the time I thought it was devastating, and I didn't know how I would make it through. I remember the day after it happened I sent Ethan to school and took Adia to Preschool, and then I came inside, closed the door and collapsed right there, curled up on the floor crying my eyes out until it was time to pick them up again. But now, a year later, I spent the night out on the town laughing until I cried with two of my best friends, celebrating a holiday that they made up just for me. I have reflected on this past year a lot in the last few days, and in looking back I realized what a blessing the events of this week last year have been. I was stuck in a bad situation. A situation where I was very literally dying and didn't even realize it. And I would have stayed in it forever if things had remained the same because I thought that is what good Mormon girls are supposed to do. You see, I was married in the temple, and I believe that the marriages that happen there are sacred and are for eternity. When you have a marriage like that, it is important and special, and worth trying a little harder and working a little more to save. Once you make that kind of a commitment you stick with it until the end. I still believe that. But I know now, regardless of all of the people who have told me the opposite, that sometimes the best thing for your whole family is to end the marriage, even a marriage that started out as sacred and special and eternal. You can't make choices for anyone but yourself, and you can't control the trials you are given. In a trial you can choose to work through it in a healthy way, or you can work through it in a damaging way. And when you choose the damaging path, and nothing ever happens to change your direction you end up damaging people other than yourself. Also, the more damage you do the easier it is to keep doing more and more until you are suddenly out of control and have no idea how you got to where you are. That's what happened to our marriage. We both ended up damaged. It is good to work to save your marriage, I whole heartedly believe that. But sometimes too much has happened, and choices have been made, and at that point it becomes good to save yourself instead. That is an unpopular choice in my religion, and especially when you aren't sharing the deep reasons of what happened, there are many people who will tell you that it is wrong. There are people who will tell you that you are sinning by making that choice, or who will tell you that you are losing out on the blessings you have been promised, or who will tell you that you are destroying any chance your children have of growing up to lead a normal healthy life. That isn't true. It just isn't. I don't advocate divorce, but I do support people who, when trying to do what is best for themselves and their family, decide that it is the right thing to do anyway.

So while the end of my marriage is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through, it was also a wonderful blessing in disguise. Through this journey I have learned who I really am. I have learned my worth. I have been required to really consider my views and opinions on different things in life, and I can no longer base my opinions on what my church or my parents tell me. I had to find out for myself that I believed those things. I had to find my own testimony of a lot of truths I thought I already understood. I have had to look at life from a completely different perspective. I have had to decide what my principles are, and what I stand for. And here's a concept I had never considered before... Sometimes one standard you have can clash with another standard. What do you do then? When something that you believe in and support with your whole heart clashes hard with the very truths you base your life upon? What direction do you take at that point? You are then forced to find some middle ground. You have to decide what things you can let go of and what things you can't, and make a life out of that. These things are hard, but I am starting to love the person it is shaping me into. (hear that? I am starting to love myself. That's something I couldn't say a year ago.) I am loving the people that my kids are becoming too, and the relationship we are developing. I have always been really close to my kids, but we have an indescribable closeness now. We have real conversations where my kids can tell me their real thoughts on things without judgement, and that is something I really treasure. I am also amazed at the people they are becoming. While the yucky-ness of the divorce has been kept away from them, they still seem to have been making a lot of concrete decisions about who they are going to be and what they are going to believe, and I am really impressed with and proud of the people they are deciding to become.

So anyway, all of this rambling does actually have a point. And the point is, that trials aren't always bad. They can hurt more than anything you have ever felt when they are happening, and that hurt might never go away all together. You might think you will never pull out of it. You might think you will never be the same again, and on this point you are probably right. But if you let it, your trial can make you so much better than you were before. It can shape you into the person God wants you to be. And while the process might be the most painful thing you can imagine, the end result is something more wonderful than you ever thought possible.

So lets all celebrate Stacy and Jenny's inappropriately named holiday and be grateful for the life you have and the choices that have led you there!

To read more about what I have learned this year go HERE

Sweet

On Sundays we like to keep things simple. We try to take it easy, we don't run around and play (much) we do quiet activities. One of those is writing letters. I was making a card for the kid's bio-aunt Sara last Sunday, and I had a left over flower. Ethan asked if he could have the pieces and make a flower himself, and I said sure. He made the flower, (and did a pretty good job with it.) then he glued it to a folded piece of card-stock. He was making a card for his new friend Makayla from school. (He really likes her, and I tease him about it all the time, but he assures me they are just friends. "She's new, and new kids need a good friend." His heart still belongs to Kaymee:) Anyway, he was pretty secretive about what it said, and when he was done he asked to put it in an envelope. I let him, but luckily he didn't seal the envelope, so after he went to bed I checked to be sure that everything was appropriate. What I found made me giggle, and want to smooch his little cheeks.

He always notices the little things (like being a good "hoola-hooper":) and he's very quick to complement people on things he admires. I love that about him. What a sweet boy.

Tender Mercy

My friend Stacy went on vacation for a week and a half. She's the person that I tell my stuff to all the time. She listens to me and tells me what she thinks, and I do the same for her, and every once in a while we work on other people's problems too (only when we are invited to, of course;) We work a lot of things out every single day as we do our P90X, and together I really think we could solve the world's problems. We are that good:) So having her back was a tender mercy itself. Before she left though, she told me she wanted a giant oreo cookie waiting for her when she got back. So I did it. One giant homemade oreo in all of it's gigantic-ly delicious glory. This was a couple of weeks ago, but I just uploaded the picture today, and when I saw it, it made me happy. It restored my faith in the world. A world where giant cookies are possible can't be all bad can it? This great big cookie gives me hope for the future, and strength to make it through the hard times. So this is today's tender mercy, the fact that a big ol' honkin' chocolate flavored cookie filled with cream cheese frosted goodness can exist. Sigh:)Don't judge the funny shape, big cookies are harder to make than you might think. Also, I wish I would have put something next to it to show you the actual size. This is one of those giant family reunion sized plates that are big enough to hold your stake plus the seventeen different kinds of salads that all of your aunts made. It's big!

MMMMMMM! That's all...

slightly inappropriate t-shirts

No, not dirty, just odd. Last week the kids came home, super excited about a little mini assembly they had. They learned that kids shouldn't drink alcohol at school. (but other places are fine?...:) They learned about how when you are young alcohol can turn your brain into runny jello, and then you have a super hard time in school. (This made me cry a little bit inside to hear Ethan talk about it) They came home with some fun goodies, like stress balls in the shape of brains (I made sure that my kids knew that squeezing brains has a similar effect to that of alcohol:) They had some good literature about how to talk to your kids about drugs and alcohol and then they both had, not one, but two fabulous t-shirts. Get ready because I am going to show them to you. I don't have a lot of comments that will make it on the blog (it's not entitled "slightly inappropriate comments about slightly inappropriate t-shirts") , but know that the fact that there is a post about them means I am making fun of them. (I also took them to one of my social work classes where we all made fun of them and then applied several different theories perspectives to why the creator of the slogans is messed up and should be in counseling. By the way, that is pretty much the WRONG way for a social worker to behave, just in case you were wondering. Also, you should know that after being in this class, applying theories to people's behaviors is my new favorite game. I never share it out loud, but if you are acting inappropriately in public and I am sitting back smiling, it's because I am totally analyzing you.:)

I am a huge advocate for talking to your kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. I bring it up to them a lot. They don't know that Ethan has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome right now, or much about it, but they know that those things are dangerous. I think that if we have open communication about it now, it might be easier to talk about it later. I think that the Parents Empowered campaign is a really good one, and I am very supportive of it. If you want ideas about how to speak to your kids about these things in a non-threatening way, please ask me, or visit THIS link. That being said, whoever is responsible for these t-shirts needs help. (really, I think the shirts are cute, they are just goofy, and I thought I would share so we could all get a little giggle out of it. The term "inappropriate" in the title was really more of an attention getter than an accurate description of the shirts. I appreciate Parents Empowered for providing the shirts, and the entertainment. It was very generous of them.) So, here we go... (and please bare in mind, I have seen what the other kids at school got, and these are not the worst.)

Probably my favorite, and the most inappropriate of all:)

And while we are on the subject of bad shirts, here is a little gem I created myself for Ethan.

It makes me giggle. We were at the doctor one day shortly after I made this, and Ethan happened to be wearing this shirt. I was talking to the doctor about suggestions for helping Ethan sleep longer than 3 hours a night. I was saying that it doesn't really seem to effect Ethan that much, but this girl needs slightly more sleep than that. I said "It's starting to make me feel kind of..." and the doctor chimed in with "like you're about to snap?" and Ethan, who hadn't been listening to anything before this, suddenly heard that part and jumped up and exclaimed "hey, my mom's gonna snap! See?" and whipped open his jacket to reveal the shirt/proof. I thought is was slightly embarrassing, but also a pretty good plea for my case, the doctor thought it was hilarious, (but he did send me home with a list of recommendations:)

Hiking

Well, it's finally spring... I think!? We have had some really beautiful days here and there (and some mighty snow storms in-between, but I am choosing not to dwell on those:) One of the things I love the most about when the weather gets warmer is hiking. My kids and I really enjoy doing that. We love to get out in the open, and see new places. I enjoy taking pictures, and the kids enjoy climbing on things. It's fun for the whole family. We have gone out a few times this spring already, and without fail, the second we get out and start hiking the wind picks up. That makes for some pretty sorry pictures, and ends up sending us home earlier than we had planned, but it's the adventure that counts, right? Here are a few shots of our adventures...

Frightening, I know, I'm not sure what I was thinking. Ethan loves this one though, so he insisted I post it:)

We found this etched into the rock under one arch. Good thing whoever did it was quick about it or it might say "just me and the BLM official" or "me and my hefty 'defacing public property' fine". I wonder how God feels about the documentation of their time together? (probably better than the one next to it that announces to the world how "Jennifer R" spends her time...)

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get a good picture of both of the kids at the same time.

The looks on our faces are less than genuine, but this was taken right under an arch, and the wind was tunneling through the hole at powerful speeds. It was everything we could do to not blow over while Ethan snapped the picture.

This is our public service announcement for PDA

Effective, right?

Tender Mercy

Kalista

Man, we have had a few rough weeks lately. Yesterday was no exception, in fact it put me pretty close to my breaking point. THEN Ethan came home and things got a little worse. I was about to lose it, but then my tender mercy came along. Kalista was staying the night with us, and as I started to get more frustrated, she started laughing and saying "Good Boy Ethan!" She said it several times. It made me step back and think about things from a different perspective. He is having a hard time right now too, but he still goes to school and wrestling and does his chores, and he's the first one to remind us to pray and read scriptures. He is a good helper, and a sweet friend to me. He sometimes has a bad day, but don't we all. He really is a good boy. I am lucky to have him. And I'm lucky to have Kalista around to remind me of that.

Wrestling Champion!!!

Well, maybe not quite, but to this momma he might as well be:) Many of you have asked me how things have been going for Ethan with his wrestling adventure, and I keep meaning to post about it, and it never happens, sorry. He has actually done much better than I thought he would. He had some nightmares here and there, and injured his shoulder for a while. He isn't super skilled as a wrestler, but considering he has had NO prior experience, not even wrestling around on the living room floor, before this, I think he rocks! He doesn't really love it, but it's been fun to try, and through the experience, we actually found out that he may have a career in football. (He's super fast, and can dodge anything that comes toward him:) When we started we set the rules that practice is mandatory, but tournaments were a privilege that had to be earned through good behavior and hard work. (So far we have made it to two... not super) The first tournament he was pretty much overwhelmed, but went out and gave it a good try. He didn't win, but he did get some points before getting pinned, so I considered it a great first tournament. His second one was last weekend. Since it was conference weekend Coach Grandpa had the day off from the temple, and was able to come along, which was really helpful. He won one and had a bye, so he ended up taking 4th and GETTING A MEDAL!!! He was SO excited. He showed it off to everyone and called everybody who's phone number he knows. You would think he beat everyone in the whole place or something. He was really proud of himself, and I'm really proud of him too. He did such a good job. There are two tournaments left this season, and I'm not sure we will make it to them or not. Time will tell, but for now I am just super proud of the effort he has made. I have a few pictures, but they aren't very good, and aren't of anything really significant. It turns out I'm one of those obnoxious moms who cheers and shouts, and that doesn't give the quiet photographer mom side of me much of a chance to do her job.:)

He just got a point for an escape, that's why the guy is raising the "red" hand. Yay!

Look at how good these guys are(n't) at jumping jacks. Nice form, right?

Tender Mercy

I took this in our front yard on Monday. I know the lighting gives false allusions, but can you tell that's snow in the background?

Don't you think it makes the gift of spring even that more magical,

that it blossoms and grows even in the adversity of Utah weather.

Miracle!

I've been thinking a lot about tender mercies lately. A lot of pretty tough things have happened the last little while, and it seems like through those thing I have more clearly been able to see the good in life. I really enjoyed the JOYS of December, and this is along the same lines. I have some pretty amazing things going for me right now. I know for a fact that many of these things are sent from my Father in Heaven to tell me that things are working out, and to get me through the hard things I have to face. They are little gifts. When I am so overwhelmed I am starting to buckle under the pressure of it all along comes a little mercy, a little pick me up, that gives me just the boost I need to stand back up and keep moving. I know I wouldn't be where I am right now without those little gifts. They are what keep me going, get me out of bed each morning, and remind me to keep breathing in and out. Lately I have let things get me down. I don't love that. I want to be a strong person. I want to appreciate life, and the things I have been given. I don't want silly little things to get the best of me.

So I am going to notice the tender mercies around me.

And I am going to post some of them here.

I hope in doing this I will be able keep an eye out for them more, and appreciate them for what they are while they are happening.

I hope too, that they might make you notice a few of yours.

It will be a little test for us alright?

You are welcome to post your tender mercies here as well, I would love to hear what little things help you through the craziness of life. I think we can both help each other with this.

Like a team!

(That makes it sound even more exciting, right?!:)

So keep an eye out for these posts, and expect them often.

(I'm not putting it on a schedule, this is the only part of my life that doesn't run on one, and I'm keeping it that way!)

So here is my first one: ETHAN SLEPT ALL NIGHT!!!

(well technically he woke up at 1, but he was asleep again by two, and didn't wake up again until 6, so that is HUGE for us. That equals 7HOURS of sleep - that's in one night, NOT one week, I'm not even kidding! I was thinking about the last time that happened, and it was one night in December. He hasn't slept for 7 hours since DECEMBER. And that was because he was super sick, had a 103 fever, and I drugged him. We usually average about 5 when things are going well, but this month it has been more like 3 a night. I know there are a lot of people who have it way harder than we do, and I feel very sorry for them, but I am grateful for the good night's sleep I just had anyway. I feel ready to take on the world. It makes even the hard things seem a little easier to handle. I really needed that right now.

April Fools!

Well, you might remember from HERE that April Fools Day is my favorite holiday. I told my friend Chris that and he said "Why does that not surprise me?" I'm not sure what he meant by that, but I'm going to take it as a compliment (though I'm a little sure it wasn't meant as one:) I don't like mean tricks, but silly little things are the best. I am especially trying to enjoy it right now while my kids still think it's funny because we all know pretty soon I'm just gonna be considered LAME! I didn't get any pictures this year because I'm still NOT THERE YET, but I will tell you the highlights anyway.

1. I replaced all the socks in the kid's drawers with my dad's socks so they were way too big.

2. I put tissue paper in the toe of their shoes so the shoes wouldn't fit.

3. I put die tablets in the bathroom faucets so when they were turned on it made colored water come out. (this ended up turning their skin colors a little bit, so it was like two pranks in one! It came off with a little soap though, so no harm done:)

4. I put pop rocks in their toothpaste. This is probably my all time favorite prank. The look of terror in their eyes KILLED me! I could not stop laughing long enough to tell them that their mouth was not, in fact, exploding. I could hardly stand up, I could barely breathe. I was laughing so hard, I almost peed. That's gross,... but true.

Next, I always pack a super good lunch for the kids on April Fool's day. On the menu for this year was:

Grilled Cheese Sandwich: Two pieces of toasted pound cake with Orange frosting in the middle. It looked surprisingly like a toasted cheeser, I think toasting the pound cake first made all the difference.

Cupcake: Meat loaf in a cupcake wrapper with colored mashed potatoes piped on top for "frosting"

Cheetoes: I opened the middle seal on the chip bag, emptied out the chips and filled it with carrot sticks then resealed the opening with scrapbook adhesive.

Kool-ade: Jello in a water bottle. Once it set up it looked like kool-ade, but when they tried to drink it nothing came out.

For an after school snack we made dirt cups, as always. (pudding, crushed oreos, gummy worms... you get it.) Kalista was there and even she liked the joke. We also gave these to the teachers for a special treat.

But the best part of the day was Adia. She was so worried about the next thing that might come up. Even though I didn't have anything planned, when she would ask me I would just tell her to wait and see. It was hilarious to see her always be on her guard for something else. She kept saying, "just tell me how many more tricks mom!" "I just want to know if you have anything else" "PLEASE just tell me if there is anything in this room."

Anyway, I know many of you aren't fans of April Fools day, but I had a really good time anyway. I can't get enough of it. I'm already plotting things for next year.