Today I was sitting on the couch watching out the window for Ethan's bus to come. He came and flopped down next to me and let out a huge man size sigh. "Its gonna be a LOOOOONG day, Mom"
"Why?" I asked.
"well, I've been up for hours, and then I had to hurry and shower and get ready for school, and now I have to go to school and work really hard until morning recess" (Morning recess is at 9:45)
"What are you going to do AFTER recess? Aren't you going to work hard after that?"
"We'll have to see how it goes"
I'm a little worried about how his day is going to go.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
It's time once again.
Yup, it's true. It's that time of year again. Presents are ready for wrapping, neighbor gifts are wrapped and waiting for delivery, the tree is up the decorations are out, the cinnamon and cloves are simmering on the stove filling the house with the scent of the season, and the Christmas cards just arrived... So that means it's time to ask for addresses. If you have moved since last year, if we just met this year, or if you didn't get a card last year but would like one, please e-mail me your address ASAP! eberling2@msn.com
Thanks. Have a fantastic Christmas season.
Monday, November 30, 2009
The End
Well, the time got away from me, and I didn't get to post even half of the things I wanted to. I didn't even get to finish sharing our story. This is the last part that I am going to post here, but if you want to hear the end go HERE and read the whole thing. Thank you so much for participating in this really special month with me. I really enjoyed sharing with you, and hope that you learned something. Please remember that if you have any questions please ask me any time. And enjoy the story.
Baby Tabbitha had been placed in a foster home, but not with the grandparents. They knew they couldn't handle both of the kids.We were warned that because we were adding another baby to the mix it was going to take a little bit longer to place them with us, but they assured us it would only be about two weeks. So we set up a nursery for a baby girl. We painted and set up a crib and changing table, and had everything ready for our new baby girl. And then one day we got a call from the LDSFS Social worker in New Mexico. The state appointed attorney who represented the kids had found out that we were "Mormons" (Evidently she didn't realize that "LDS Family Services" and "Mormon social worker" meant the same thing for all of these months) She didn't like Mormons, and thought we were trying to hide the fact that we were Mormon by calling ourselves LDS. She petitioned to the court that we not be granted custody of the kids because of the kinds of religious practices we were a part of. The judge who was over the case thought that families should be kept together, and had been trying every method possable to get the parents to take custody of Ethan again. He had told them that if they would go to counseling and get a job and a home (At that point they were homeless) they could have the kids back. Then the attorney suggested that we not be aloud to take the kids and he jumped right on board with her. At our court date in February it was determined that we would not be getting either child. We were devastated! For days I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't eat or sleep. I took down everything from both kid's rooms and put it in the storage shed. I was truly heartbroken. But, Heavenly Father won't let a silly closed minded attorney stand in the way of His great plan. He blessed Troy and I with an added dose of strength, and blessed the attorney with a life threatening illness which took her off the case:) (No really, I'm sure Heavenly Father doesn't make people sick for other people, but she did get a rare blood disease at a very convenient time for us) Our new attorney pled with the judge to let us get the kids, and finally he agreed that we could get Ethan, but not Tabitha. We were sad, but eventually alright with that. After all, Ethan was the only one we had actually known we were supposed to have. He was our son, and we were told we could expect to pick him up in a couple of weeks. We were so excited! Then the judge remembered that he wanted to keep families together, and said we could have both kids. Again we set up both rooms, and were awaiting placement. Then the parents went to therapy, and the judge decided that he would keep the children in California and give them back to the parents when they completed his terms of rehab. We took down the rooms once again. Then the parents stopped going to therapy, and we were back on to get both kids. We were told that we would get them in two weeks. This was the end of March. Amid all of this we were also dealing with four different social services offices. Messages kept getting lost. Everyone had a different story, so even when we were up we weren't sure, and when we were down, we still had hope. No one was on the same page, and no one could manage to get all of the paperwork they needed. It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I hadn't gotten a new job when we moved because I thought we would be getting Ethan any time, and the church knew I would have my hands full when Ethan came so I hadn't even been given a calling. All I had to do all day was worry and stress over the kids I may or may not ever have. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family, or I never would have made it through. I really learned to lean on other people, which is something I had always had a hard time with. I also learned the power of priesthood blessings at that time as I had a lot of them, and know I wouldn't have made it through without them. So, our two weeks were almost up, and we were making plans to go to California when all of a sudden the grandmother took a turn for the worst, and Ethan had to be placed somewhere else. It was decided that he would be taken to the home where Tabitha was living for a few more days until placement, and then both kids would come home with us. A few hours later we got a call from Michael from New Mexico. He had just gotten a call telling him that the Foster mother had insisted Ethan be taken from her home. She had said that the entire time the kids were together both had screamed. She said that the baby really upset Ethan, and he kept screaming and thrashing around. The foster mother had finally had enough and called social services. She said she had been doing foster care for 20 years and had never seen anything like it, and recommended that the children be separated. What we didn't know at the time, but found out later was that all of this time the LA County social worker had been telling her that she would be aloud to adopt Tabitha. LA County has such a large amount of foster kids that they often don't have enough homes for them. This lady had decided that she didn't want to do foster care anymore, but she did want to adopt a baby girl. The social worker told her that she could adopt Tabitha so that she would take her. All of this time the foster mother had no idea that we even existed, or that there was a chance she would not be aloud to keep the baby. Then Ethan came into the picture and the truth came out. So a quick judgement was made. We would only be aloud to have Ethan. We could pick him up in "Two more weeks" while he stayed with an aunt in the meantime. But, the kid's family really wanted the kids to stay together, so they requested that we be aloud to adopt both kids anyway. Between them and the hard working attourney the judge agreed to look into it. Again the issue of my age was brought up. I don't have any idea what that has to do with my ability, but aparently it is a determining factor. Luckily, before we moved I owned my own preschool and daycare, and before that I had worked for head start. We had to get letters of reference from all of the parents of the kids I worked with plus all of the teachers I had worked with at headstart talking about my ability to deal with children and problems. We had to get letters of reference from all of the people Troy worked with when he was a job coach, and still it didn't look like it would be enough. But finally after begging and pleading, and jumping through every hoop imaginable, the judge gave permission for us to get the kids. But, we didn't have a date. We figured it would be about "Two more weeks" because that was what they had been telling us since January-it was now the first of May. Then on May 12th Kyle called. He told us to get to California fast! He said that there would be a placement the next day at 8:00am. We would be picking up Ethan then. He didn't know about Tabitha, but we did know that this gave us 18 hours to makethe 12 hour drive. We frantically threw clothes in the car, grabbed the carseats, and hit the road. We called our families and Troy's boss from the road. We didn't have a moment to spare. We made the trip only stopping for gas, and arrived in California at 4:00 the next morning. We found the only motel in sight and got the only room available. It was the scariest place we have ever stayed, with bullet holes in the windows and a huge black hair in the shower. We didn't care, we were exhausted. We both showered and layed down, but the anxiety kept us from sleeping. We were waiting for Kyle when he got to his office at 8. He had us sign papers for both kids though he still wasn't sure which kid we were getting. Then we made the trip to the LA County DCFS. We were asked to wait in the lobby while the social worker came out. She was carrying the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. The social worker handed her to Troy and said "Meet Tabitha" Without a word, Kyle grabbed the camera from me and started snapping pictures. We looked at her and she smiled. We were instantly in love. We didn't know what had happened with the foster mother who thought that she would be adopting this beautiful baby, but my heart ached for that woman. I knew what it was like to have your dreams of a baby ripped from you, and I was sure she was hurting. Anyway, we signed papers and then headed off to Ethan's Grandparent's house to pick him up. We were getting both kids! The whole family was there to say goodbye to him (With the exception of the parents) We stayed there and heard stories of the family, and looked at photos. The family was wonderful and we loved getting to know them, but we were excited to start our family, and we had a long drive home. Finally we got up the courage to say that it was time to leave. We loaded up the car with all of Ethan's clothes and toys,and then it was time to say goodbye. That was the first day that we had ever thought about what this would be like for them. We had considered our own feelings, and the feelings of the kids, but we had never even thought about the family. They were excited for us,and knew we were the right match for the kids, but still, they were losing their family. How hard. They were all crying, and their hearts were breaking- we knew how that felt. Finally we got into the car and headed out. We drove a few blocks and then Troy pulled over, and we screamed and shouted, and did the happy dance. We were thrilled! Our journey had finally begun. We were a family! We got back on the road and started driving. Then we realized that we hadn't called our families all day. We had turned our phones off, and we each had over ten messages from our frantic mothers wondering what was going on. We called everyone with the news that we were now a family of four, and were met with many screams and cheers and tears Our 12 hour drive ended up being a 23 hour drive home. (We had never traveled with kids before so we didn't know it would take so long.) We hadn't slept in nearly 48 hours, but we were so pumped up we didn't need to sleep. We also wanted to get as far away from California as fast as we could. It was as if when we crossed the state line we would finally be safe, and no one could take our family away from us again. We just drove through the night. As we drove, we talked about Tabitha. She didn't look like a Tabitha. We pulled out the name book and started looking. We both had a list that we liked, but we came across the name Adia, which means "Gift from Heaven" We think she was sent here by my great grandma, so she kind of is a gift from heaven. It just fit, and somewhere in Nevada she went from Tabitha Marie to Adia Bailey. (Bailey was Troy's Grandma's maiden name) We finally got home about 7PM the next night. My mom and sister had put together a party for us with banners and balloons, tons of food, and family and friends to welcome us. When everyone finally left we fell into bed. We made the kids sleep with us that night, and kept waking up over and over to be sure that we were all still there. We were both afraid that we would open our eyes and it would all have been a dream.
Baby Tabbitha had been placed in a foster home, but not with the grandparents. They knew they couldn't handle both of the kids.We were warned that because we were adding another baby to the mix it was going to take a little bit longer to place them with us, but they assured us it would only be about two weeks. So we set up a nursery for a baby girl. We painted and set up a crib and changing table, and had everything ready for our new baby girl. And then one day we got a call from the LDSFS Social worker in New Mexico. The state appointed attorney who represented the kids had found out that we were "Mormons" (Evidently she didn't realize that "LDS Family Services" and "Mormon social worker" meant the same thing for all of these months) She didn't like Mormons, and thought we were trying to hide the fact that we were Mormon by calling ourselves LDS. She petitioned to the court that we not be granted custody of the kids because of the kinds of religious practices we were a part of. The judge who was over the case thought that families should be kept together, and had been trying every method possable to get the parents to take custody of Ethan again. He had told them that if they would go to counseling and get a job and a home (At that point they were homeless) they could have the kids back. Then the attorney suggested that we not be aloud to take the kids and he jumped right on board with her. At our court date in February it was determined that we would not be getting either child. We were devastated! For days I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't eat or sleep. I took down everything from both kid's rooms and put it in the storage shed. I was truly heartbroken. But, Heavenly Father won't let a silly closed minded attorney stand in the way of His great plan. He blessed Troy and I with an added dose of strength, and blessed the attorney with a life threatening illness which took her off the case:) (No really, I'm sure Heavenly Father doesn't make people sick for other people, but she did get a rare blood disease at a very convenient time for us) Our new attorney pled with the judge to let us get the kids, and finally he agreed that we could get Ethan, but not Tabitha. We were sad, but eventually alright with that. After all, Ethan was the only one we had actually known we were supposed to have. He was our son, and we were told we could expect to pick him up in a couple of weeks. We were so excited! Then the judge remembered that he wanted to keep families together, and said we could have both kids. Again we set up both rooms, and were awaiting placement. Then the parents went to therapy, and the judge decided that he would keep the children in California and give them back to the parents when they completed his terms of rehab. We took down the rooms once again. Then the parents stopped going to therapy, and we were back on to get both kids. We were told that we would get them in two weeks. This was the end of March. Amid all of this we were also dealing with four different social services offices. Messages kept getting lost. Everyone had a different story, so even when we were up we weren't sure, and when we were down, we still had hope. No one was on the same page, and no one could manage to get all of the paperwork they needed. It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I hadn't gotten a new job when we moved because I thought we would be getting Ethan any time, and the church knew I would have my hands full when Ethan came so I hadn't even been given a calling. All I had to do all day was worry and stress over the kids I may or may not ever have. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family, or I never would have made it through. I really learned to lean on other people, which is something I had always had a hard time with. I also learned the power of priesthood blessings at that time as I had a lot of them, and know I wouldn't have made it through without them. So, our two weeks were almost up, and we were making plans to go to California when all of a sudden the grandmother took a turn for the worst, and Ethan had to be placed somewhere else. It was decided that he would be taken to the home where Tabitha was living for a few more days until placement, and then both kids would come home with us. A few hours later we got a call from Michael from New Mexico. He had just gotten a call telling him that the Foster mother had insisted Ethan be taken from her home. She had said that the entire time the kids were together both had screamed. She said that the baby really upset Ethan, and he kept screaming and thrashing around. The foster mother had finally had enough and called social services. She said she had been doing foster care for 20 years and had never seen anything like it, and recommended that the children be separated. What we didn't know at the time, but found out later was that all of this time the LA County social worker had been telling her that she would be aloud to adopt Tabitha. LA County has such a large amount of foster kids that they often don't have enough homes for them. This lady had decided that she didn't want to do foster care anymore, but she did want to adopt a baby girl. The social worker told her that she could adopt Tabitha so that she would take her. All of this time the foster mother had no idea that we even existed, or that there was a chance she would not be aloud to keep the baby. Then Ethan came into the picture and the truth came out. So a quick judgement was made. We would only be aloud to have Ethan. We could pick him up in "Two more weeks" while he stayed with an aunt in the meantime. But, the kid's family really wanted the kids to stay together, so they requested that we be aloud to adopt both kids anyway. Between them and the hard working attourney the judge agreed to look into it. Again the issue of my age was brought up. I don't have any idea what that has to do with my ability, but aparently it is a determining factor. Luckily, before we moved I owned my own preschool and daycare, and before that I had worked for head start. We had to get letters of reference from all of the parents of the kids I worked with plus all of the teachers I had worked with at headstart talking about my ability to deal with children and problems. We had to get letters of reference from all of the people Troy worked with when he was a job coach, and still it didn't look like it would be enough. But finally after begging and pleading, and jumping through every hoop imaginable, the judge gave permission for us to get the kids. But, we didn't have a date. We figured it would be about "Two more weeks" because that was what they had been telling us since January-it was now the first of May. Then on May 12th Kyle called. He told us to get to California fast! He said that there would be a placement the next day at 8:00am. We would be picking up Ethan then. He didn't know about Tabitha, but we did know that this gave us 18 hours to makethe 12 hour drive. We frantically threw clothes in the car, grabbed the carseats, and hit the road. We called our families and Troy's boss from the road. We didn't have a moment to spare. We made the trip only stopping for gas, and arrived in California at 4:00 the next morning. We found the only motel in sight and got the only room available. It was the scariest place we have ever stayed, with bullet holes in the windows and a huge black hair in the shower. We didn't care, we were exhausted. We both showered and layed down, but the anxiety kept us from sleeping. We were waiting for Kyle when he got to his office at 8. He had us sign papers for both kids though he still wasn't sure which kid we were getting. Then we made the trip to the LA County DCFS. We were asked to wait in the lobby while the social worker came out. She was carrying the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. The social worker handed her to Troy and said "Meet Tabitha" Without a word, Kyle grabbed the camera from me and started snapping pictures. We looked at her and she smiled. We were instantly in love. We didn't know what had happened with the foster mother who thought that she would be adopting this beautiful baby, but my heart ached for that woman. I knew what it was like to have your dreams of a baby ripped from you, and I was sure she was hurting. Anyway, we signed papers and then headed off to Ethan's Grandparent's house to pick him up. We were getting both kids! The whole family was there to say goodbye to him (With the exception of the parents) We stayed there and heard stories of the family, and looked at photos. The family was wonderful and we loved getting to know them, but we were excited to start our family, and we had a long drive home. Finally we got up the courage to say that it was time to leave. We loaded up the car with all of Ethan's clothes and toys,and then it was time to say goodbye. That was the first day that we had ever thought about what this would be like for them. We had considered our own feelings, and the feelings of the kids, but we had never even thought about the family. They were excited for us,and knew we were the right match for the kids, but still, they were losing their family. How hard. They were all crying, and their hearts were breaking- we knew how that felt. Finally we got into the car and headed out. We drove a few blocks and then Troy pulled over, and we screamed and shouted, and did the happy dance. We were thrilled! Our journey had finally begun. We were a family! We got back on the road and started driving. Then we realized that we hadn't called our families all day. We had turned our phones off, and we each had over ten messages from our frantic mothers wondering what was going on. We called everyone with the news that we were now a family of four, and were met with many screams and cheers and tears Our 12 hour drive ended up being a 23 hour drive home. (We had never traveled with kids before so we didn't know it would take so long.) We hadn't slept in nearly 48 hours, but we were so pumped up we didn't need to sleep. We also wanted to get as far away from California as fast as we could. It was as if when we crossed the state line we would finally be safe, and no one could take our family away from us again. We just drove through the night. As we drove, we talked about Tabitha. She didn't look like a Tabitha. We pulled out the name book and started looking. We both had a list that we liked, but we came across the name Adia, which means "Gift from Heaven" We think she was sent here by my great grandma, so she kind of is a gift from heaven. It just fit, and somewhere in Nevada she went from Tabitha Marie to Adia Bailey. (Bailey was Troy's Grandma's maiden name) We finally got home about 7PM the next night. My mom and sister had put together a party for us with banners and balloons, tons of food, and family and friends to welcome us. When everyone finally left we fell into bed. We made the kids sleep with us that night, and kept waking up over and over to be sure that we were all still there. We were both afraid that we would open our eyes and it would all have been a dream.
Wonderful Surprise
Two Thursdays ago I had the greatest phone call. It was our friend Stacy asking if I could watch her kids while she went to a wedding in Salt Lake. "Sure" I was way excited. Then she asked if I would mind if the whole family stayed with us on Thursday night and Friday night. I was ecstatic! I love it when these guys come visit. And even better, I got to spend the whole day with two of my favorite kids.
We started the next morning off early (Well actually we didn't go to bed until early the next morning, but we were up just a few hours after that) Ready for pancakes. Evidently no one really likes pancakes, they just get a kick out of making aunt Katie make crazy shapes out of the pancake batter- like a moose, a prince and princess, a tornado, a baby chick hatching out of an egg, and anything else they could come up with. Breakfast ended with an entire plate full of crazy pancakes and three hungry kids asking for Popsicles...
After that we went to the zoo. I let the kids take the pictures so we ended up with 200 pictures of the fence really really close up, and this cutie pie of Parker, me and Payton (Thanks Adia)
I was trying to get some cute shots of the kids all together (Ethan had school, so there were only three) but they just turned around and walked away. I said "Fine I'll just take a picture of your back sides" so they started walking all crazy and wiggling their bums... Kids, what're ya gonna do?...
After the zoo, the park, lunch at McDonald's, running a few errands, and waiting for Ethan's bus we decided to play in the back yard for a while. This is Payton flying.
And Parker being a ninja!
And just to prove that we didn't leave Ethan out of everything...
And all of them piling on the tire swing while Adia pushed them.
We started the next morning off early (Well actually we didn't go to bed until early the next morning, but we were up just a few hours after that) Ready for pancakes. Evidently no one really likes pancakes, they just get a kick out of making aunt Katie make crazy shapes out of the pancake batter- like a moose, a prince and princess, a tornado, a baby chick hatching out of an egg, and anything else they could come up with. Breakfast ended with an entire plate full of crazy pancakes and three hungry kids asking for Popsicles...
After that we went to the zoo. I let the kids take the pictures so we ended up with 200 pictures of the fence really really close up, and this cutie pie of Parker, me and Payton (Thanks Adia)
I was trying to get some cute shots of the kids all together (Ethan had school, so there were only three) but they just turned around and walked away. I said "Fine I'll just take a picture of your back sides" so they started walking all crazy and wiggling their bums... Kids, what're ya gonna do?...
After the zoo, the park, lunch at McDonald's, running a few errands, and waiting for Ethan's bus we decided to play in the back yard for a while. This is Payton flying.
And Parker being a ninja!
And just to prove that we didn't leave Ethan out of everything...
And all of them piling on the tire swing while Adia pushed them.We had a great time together. Thanks Aunt Stacy and Uncle Jeremy for coming up for a visit, and thanks Parker and Payton for spending some alone time with me.
Matching Monday - Utah Edition
Mykael (9)wants very much to be adopted! This little guy has a lot of the same qualities his older siblings possess. He too is affectionate, open, resilient, outgoing, well-mannered and respectful, but he definitely stands out as being the most energetic. Mykael loves to stay busy by participating in sports and reading, and is quite the animal lover. As a fifth-grader he is on grade level and will appreciate a family who will help him with reading and math. Elexandria age 15: Open and affectionate is the best way to depict Elexandria’s personality, but the list of positive qualities doesn’t stop there. This young lady has much to offer. She is resilient, outgoing, friendly, loving, well-mannered, and respectful. Her two favorite interests are reading and drama. Elexandria is attending the ninth grade. She works very hard academically, is on grade level, and makes sure that all assigned work gets turned in.
Charles (13) loves activity. You can often find this energetic pre-teen with a book in his hands or participating in sports and drama. Friendly, resilient, affectionate, respectful, and polite are the best words used to describe Charles. He currently attends seventh grade where he is on grade level and excels in reading. Charles attends counseling, which will need to continue after placement.
This fun sibling group of three needs a forever family who can offer a loving and supportive home. If your family is interested in Charles, Elexandria, and Mykael, we urge you to inquire.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Our Story, Part 3
Kyle told us a little bit about Ethan. He had been taken away from his parents by the state of California (LA County) because he was being severely neglected and abused. He was now in a foster situation with his grandparents. Both grandparents were quite sick, and unable to care for a child with Ethan's needs, and there were no other family members who could take him in. They had decided to place him for adoption. He had been placed in three different homes by LA County, but each time they sent him back saying that he was too much to handle. Finally the court gave the grandparents the right to seek a family for Ethan. The grandmother had been baptized in the LDS church when she was eight and then never been back again, but she liked the church and the way she had felt when she was there, so she went to LDSFS to get their help finding a family. Kyle told us he would send some information about Ethan, and then we could decide if it was right for us. We tried to tell him that we already knew he was our son, but he insisted on sending us the info anyway, he rightly didn't want to place Ethan in a home that wasn't right for him. We agreed, and as we hung up he said that maybe we were only instruments in helping Ethan find his real home. Maybe he wasn't for us, but for someone we knew. -In walks Satan, filling our heads with more doubt. In a few days we did get Kyles info- pages and pages of info from LA County. It put the scary memo to shame. It told of the horrible state Ethan was found in- with the skin on his bottom attached to the diaper, he had been so long without being changed, He was malnourished, unresponsive, unable to walk or talk, or sit up on his own. It told of his diagnosis of several different disorders or disabilities (Although a few contradicted themselves such as Autism and ADHD - You generally can't have both) It told about his current living situations, and the laws that he was living under, being a ward of the state. It was SCARY! It was page after page of scary. We read it all, and when we were done we turned to each other and said, "maybe Kyle was right, we are just helping hands to get him where he needs to go. Surly we can't handle all of this." But then a miracle came in the form of an old family friend/ church leader, and we knew it was right. We called Kyle and told him we were sure, and asked when we could go pick Ethan up. We really were that out of the loop. We thought that was how it worked. He needed a home, we needed him, we could just go pick him up and he would be ours. Kyle asked us to contact the LDSFS in our town in Utah, and fill out our paperwork to get started-we hadn't even done that yet. This was in October. Kyle said that because of the situation he didn't see any reason why we wouldn't have our son for Christmas. Then we went and filled out our paperwork and met with a caseworker. After finding out more about us he decided that this was not the child for us. We had just barely been married for two years, and I was just 21, much too young and naive to deal with these kinds of problems. Like he got the right to determine our life, and what I was capable of handling. But he did, so we went back home and called Kyle. He said he would try to figure something out. He called a little while later and asked, if we had ever had any experience with people who had special needs, specifically those that Ethan had, or if we had ever taken classes in college that studied any of those things. In fact we had. Troy was working as a job coach for people with disabilities, and I was in the middle of earning my degree in education, with an emphasis in Special Ed. Not only that, but we had Kalista! Not only were we a part of her life, but I had attended autism conferences and seminars, and had even been certified in a few treatments such as Floor Time. That ended up being enough to convince the judge that we would be fit parents. Kalista had helped us. She had been sent to our family as a blessing, to help us all get together. And because Ethan was a ward of the state the judges decision overpowered that of the CW. By that time it was the middle of December, so we still thought we could make our "Family for Christmas" goal. But then some of our paperwork got lost in the mail, and our dreams got pushed back another month. Ethan's birthday was the end of January, and we were told we would definitely have him by then. We were able to make a trip out to California to meet Ethan just after Christmas. We sat in Kyle's office nervously waiting for Ethan and his grandparents to arrive. Suddenly the door banged open and in burst the most beautiful boy we had ever seen. He had beautiful brown eyes and dark curly hair. We could instantly see the signs of FAS, and a few of autism, but we also noticed his smile, which spread across his face as he spotted us. His dimples got deeper and deeper as he came right over to where we were sitting. He climbed up on my lap, looked right at Troy, and said "Hi Dad" We were stunned. He knew, just like we knew, we were a family! We looked excitedly at Kyle who just smiled and said, "don't get too excited, he calls everyone that." Oh, well, that was all we needed anyway, and we quickly got to know him. We went to a park and one of us would chase after Ethan while the other would talk with his grandparents. We learned a lot that day. We learned that Ethan was FAST! He was very clumsy and fell down about every fourth step, but he still could run, fall, stand back up, and be running again before you could catch him. He was a tease, and very interested in everything around him. He was also very compassionate, and full of love. We also learned a lot from Ethan's grandparents. We learned about Ethan's family, his parents, and what had lead all of us to that point in our lives, we learned about abuse his parents would do to him such as dropping him on his head, and trying to drown him. We learned how sweet and wonderful the grandparents were, and instantly fell in love with them too. By the end of the trip we were so excited. We could hardly wait.
At a family party a week later we were telling everyone about our great adventure. My great grandma, who I have always been very close to hugged me close and told me how she just knew we would have our family soon, and not to give up hope. Then she said, "I will do anything I can to help you get your babies." Sweet, but we didn't think much of it at the time, I mean, what could a 90 year old woman do to help us have babies? Well, January came, and so did a new job for Troy. It was a job that we had applied for months before, when we didn't know about Ethan. It was in the town where our parents lived and had been a dream of ours for a long time. But the town is a tiny little place in southeastern Utah with a population of three hundred people. Not only was it clear across the state from where we were currently living, but it also had no social workers of any kind. In fact, the closest LDSFS was in New Mexico. We started working with a social worker, Michael, from then on, and it was nice to have someone closer to talk to about everything. The distance made some problems for the adoption, however. LA County didn't understand why we had a social worker in Cedar City, a social worker in California, and then a social worker in New Mexico. They decided that if we couldn't figure out a way to get a social worker in the same general area as us we would not be aloud to adopt Ethan. But, miracles do happen, and we were able to arrange for the CW in New Mexico (Who was only two hours away) to contract with the next closest LDSFS in Richfield Utah (nearly four hours away). He would send our home studies and paperwork to Richfield, they would type it up on their letterhead, and put it in their files and send it to LA County. For some reason that seemed like a better situation to them, so we were back on track. However, the figuring out of everything pushed us back a little farther, and with so many different people being involved, paperwork kept getting lost, so we were falling farther and farther behind. We weren't going to get Ethan by his birthday on the 29th of January. That day was a sad one for us, and it was made worse by the fact that my dear Great grandmother passed away then as well. For the next week I was heartbroken. I was getting discouraged, and missing my Grandma. Then Kyle called me. He told me that I had better sit down. I just knew it was going to be bad news, and I almost told Kyle I just couldn't take anymore. I was tired of being given the run around, I was tired of the emotional roller coaster, and that day was just not a good day for me. If he was calling to give me anymore bad news he could just save it. Fortunatly I didn't say any of this, I just thought it:) Then he told me that Ethan's parents had just given birth to a baby girl. The judge didn't want to separate the kids, so he wanted to know if we wanted the baby too. She had been born with alcohol and meth in her bloodstream, and was low birth weight, but other than that seemed to be healthy. I told him that of course we wanted her too, then I hung up the phone, and sat down and cried because I just knew that Troy was going to kill me. After all, it had taken no less than a series of miracles to convince him that we should adopt Ethan. What would he say when I wanted to add a meth baby to the mix? Fortunately, he was as excited as I was, and we set out to make a family of four. Suddenly we realized that Grandma's death, and the baby's birth coincided. It was like, true to her word, when Grandma got to heaven she sent this baby down to us. She really had helped us get our kids. And that is totally like her personality. Things weren't working out the way she wanted them too, so she had to go up there and take care of it herself.
At a family party a week later we were telling everyone about our great adventure. My great grandma, who I have always been very close to hugged me close and told me how she just knew we would have our family soon, and not to give up hope. Then she said, "I will do anything I can to help you get your babies." Sweet, but we didn't think much of it at the time, I mean, what could a 90 year old woman do to help us have babies? Well, January came, and so did a new job for Troy. It was a job that we had applied for months before, when we didn't know about Ethan. It was in the town where our parents lived and had been a dream of ours for a long time. But the town is a tiny little place in southeastern Utah with a population of three hundred people. Not only was it clear across the state from where we were currently living, but it also had no social workers of any kind. In fact, the closest LDSFS was in New Mexico. We started working with a social worker, Michael, from then on, and it was nice to have someone closer to talk to about everything. The distance made some problems for the adoption, however. LA County didn't understand why we had a social worker in Cedar City, a social worker in California, and then a social worker in New Mexico. They decided that if we couldn't figure out a way to get a social worker in the same general area as us we would not be aloud to adopt Ethan. But, miracles do happen, and we were able to arrange for the CW in New Mexico (Who was only two hours away) to contract with the next closest LDSFS in Richfield Utah (nearly four hours away). He would send our home studies and paperwork to Richfield, they would type it up on their letterhead, and put it in their files and send it to LA County. For some reason that seemed like a better situation to them, so we were back on track. However, the figuring out of everything pushed us back a little farther, and with so many different people being involved, paperwork kept getting lost, so we were falling farther and farther behind. We weren't going to get Ethan by his birthday on the 29th of January. That day was a sad one for us, and it was made worse by the fact that my dear Great grandmother passed away then as well. For the next week I was heartbroken. I was getting discouraged, and missing my Grandma. Then Kyle called me. He told me that I had better sit down. I just knew it was going to be bad news, and I almost told Kyle I just couldn't take anymore. I was tired of being given the run around, I was tired of the emotional roller coaster, and that day was just not a good day for me. If he was calling to give me anymore bad news he could just save it. Fortunatly I didn't say any of this, I just thought it:) Then he told me that Ethan's parents had just given birth to a baby girl. The judge didn't want to separate the kids, so he wanted to know if we wanted the baby too. She had been born with alcohol and meth in her bloodstream, and was low birth weight, but other than that seemed to be healthy. I told him that of course we wanted her too, then I hung up the phone, and sat down and cried because I just knew that Troy was going to kill me. After all, it had taken no less than a series of miracles to convince him that we should adopt Ethan. What would he say when I wanted to add a meth baby to the mix? Fortunately, he was as excited as I was, and we set out to make a family of four. Suddenly we realized that Grandma's death, and the baby's birth coincided. It was like, true to her word, when Grandma got to heaven she sent this baby down to us. She really had helped us get our kids. And that is totally like her personality. Things weren't working out the way she wanted them too, so she had to go up there and take care of it herself.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
My adoption testimony.
I love this day! I hope that you are all surrounded by your loved ones stuffing your face and having fun. I sure am!
In honor of adoption month I am going to take the opportunity on this very special day to bare my testimony of adoption. I Love adoption. I love what it can do to families. I know that it was the way that Ethan and Adia were supposed to come into my life. I know that adoption is a gift from God. I know it because there is no way it would work without His help. Without miracles at every turn there is no way that everything would work out, timing would be just right, and angels would find just the right family. I know that it is a happiness built from pain, and sometimes that is hard, but I also know that because of the sacrifices it takes it is all the more worth it in the end. I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for blessing me with my beautiful children, and for sending the miracle of adoption into my life. I am grateful for our birth family and the gift they have given us. I am thankful for our support system of family and friends that helped us through our dark days, and are still there to support us along the way. I am grateful for the social workers who often get little credit, but who are a key element in seeing these miracles through. I am very grateful for my husband who is strong enough to carry me when I can't go any farther, and who worked right along side of me to bring our babies home. I am most of all grateful for my children who teach me every day, who fought and fought and never gave up until we found each other. I am thankful for the example they are to me and for the desire they give me to want to be better each day. I hope that you all have a wonderful day and that you have an opportunity to reflect on the things you are thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!
In honor of adoption month I am going to take the opportunity on this very special day to bare my testimony of adoption. I Love adoption. I love what it can do to families. I know that it was the way that Ethan and Adia were supposed to come into my life. I know that adoption is a gift from God. I know it because there is no way it would work without His help. Without miracles at every turn there is no way that everything would work out, timing would be just right, and angels would find just the right family. I know that it is a happiness built from pain, and sometimes that is hard, but I also know that because of the sacrifices it takes it is all the more worth it in the end. I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for blessing me with my beautiful children, and for sending the miracle of adoption into my life. I am grateful for our birth family and the gift they have given us. I am thankful for our support system of family and friends that helped us through our dark days, and are still there to support us along the way. I am grateful for the social workers who often get little credit, but who are a key element in seeing these miracles through. I am very grateful for my husband who is strong enough to carry me when I can't go any farther, and who worked right along side of me to bring our babies home. I am most of all grateful for my children who teach me every day, who fought and fought and never gave up until we found each other. I am thankful for the example they are to me and for the desire they give me to want to be better each day. I hope that you all have a wonderful day and that you have an opportunity to reflect on the things you are thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
The "A" portion of the "Q&A Contest"
Happy National Adoption Day! Here's a challenge: Do something for adoption today. Try to raise awareness. Wear a white ribbon, talk to someone about what you know, tell a friend who is struggling with infertility that you love them, participate in one of the many walks going on, the list is endless.
Now on to the questions...
#1 What is the process that you have to go through? Well, first of all you have to make the decision to adopt. That might be the hardest step. I know it was for us. We knew that adoption was the path that we needed to take, but actually taking the steps took us several months. It seemed like such a hard process that we were afraid to get started. But once you make the choice to adopt there are some choices that you need to make. You need to decide what kind of adoption you are going to do international, domestic, private, foster-to-adopt, what agency you are going to go with, if you are going through an agency, etc. But I think what you are asking mostly is this: The simplified version. First, You need a home study. This is where you fill out background checks, get references, fill out paperwork about you, your family, your background, your preferences, and a million other things. Seriously, it is a lot of work. You also have to have a home inspection where a social worker checks things out and makes sure it is a safe place for a child. Also, if you are going to foster you need to get certified in CPR and First Aid, and take classes - you have to get so many education hours to do foster care, or adopt through the foster system. Once all of that is finished you start the "finding" stage. What this requires depends on what type of adoption you are doing. You can have an agency match you, you can find for yourself (Through blogs, placing ads, "advertising" at doctor's offices, sending out pass along cards, asking your family and friends to spread the word, the possibilities are endless here) you can work with social workers who can help you find a match, you can post a profile and wait to be chosen. I suggest use every option available. Don't just sit around and wait for something to happen, go out there and find your child. Once you are matched with a child and they are placed with you there is a waiting period. The length of that period depends on a few things such as the laws of the state you live in, and relinquishment of parental rights. For example, if you live in Utah you must wait for at least six months after placement. Then if there aren't any other legal hang ups you can then finalize. That waiting period is different in each state. Also if there are any legal problems it could take longer. (for example with our adoption the judge kept delaying the termination of parental rights and the parents contested it, so it was fourteen months after placement before we could finalize instead of six.) Once the waiting period is over you can them finalize that means that you go to court and you have to be sworn in and promise to be a good parent and love the child like your own, it's pretty cool. Then the child's name is legally changed, and they are yours! After that any religious ordinances can then be done- like blessings, sealings, baptisms, etc. So that's the simplified version of the process. I hope that makes sense. If anyone is interested in more specifics of a certain part, or have any questions please email me.
2.I know women who can have babies of their own without problem, but think adoption is the easier. My sister has 2 children and had a stillborn last year. Because she is so afraid of repeating that she thinks that adoption would be the easier way. So she is looking into that despite the fact she can have babies of her own--the stillborn was unrelated to anything associated with her health. I wondered how you felt about these situations considering you have experienced the pain on the other end. What would you say to these women? I would say "bless you". Bless anyone who wants to adopt. I don't care if they have ten biological kids, if they can take care of and love another one, please, please adopt. Adoption is for everyone, not just those who struggle with infertility. It can bless all lives, and there are many, many reasons to adopt. Also, there are literally hundreds of thousands of kids who are up for adoption right now in the United States alone, so I am not worried about someone who can have biological children "gettin' in my turf". There are plenty of children to go around so if they have extra love to give I truly wish them luck.
However I must say that if these women truly believe that adoption is going to be easier they are sadly mistaken. I can't even begin to imagine the pain and heart ache of carrying a child for several months only to lose it. That would be such a hard thing and I don't know how I could endure it. But I knew Ethan for 19 months, he had been living with me for over a year, and I loved him so much, and still three days before we were to go to California to finalize we were told that the judge was going to give him back to his birth family. While I didn't carry him in my body he was in my heart. He was MY son. He belonged with me, and I very nearly lost him. In fact during our adoption process I was told that Ethan would be mine only to be told that he wouldn't be mine NINE times. That is nine times that my heart was broken. Nine times that I wondered how I could go on living. Nine times that my world crumbled. It was far from easy. I realize that my story is the extreme, and many many adoptions are easy. Adoption is a wonderful thing and I don't say any of this to discourage anyone or scare them away. That is not my intent at all. Nor do I want to minimize the pain your sister is feeling. I just want to say that sometimes people change their minds, sometimes Heavenly Father has different ideas than we do, and sometimes adoption is NOT easy.
3. Why can't you guys have babies? Well, if you ask my daughter it is because I have bad gas. (Although, I know people who have way worse gas than I do, and they are baby making machines--LEVI, so I'm not sure I agree with her;) Really, the actual causes are one of the few things that we are actually private about, so I'm not going to go into great details for the world to know. I did say that nothing is off limits though, and I am happy to share a little without giving the graphic details. I have a genetic condition that basically makes it difficult to conceive. Troy has seizures, and his medication makes it hard to conceive, and the longer he is on it the harder it is to conceive. So it's not impossible, it's just unlikely that we will ever get pregnant. We could have waited around to see what would happen, but our kids were in a hurry to join our family (Ethan was in such a hurry that he was born 4 months before we were married) that they wouldn't wait for our bodies to figure things out. I have a belief, and it isn't just because of infertility, I believed it long before I even tried to have kids. I believe that we already picked our families before we came to earth. I already have kids that were always supposed to by mine. It doesn't matter how that happens, whether biologically, through a crazy misplaced memo from a social worker, or if they are left on my front porch by the stork, we will find a way to each other because we belong together. If you know my kids and know me then you KNOW that we belong to each other. We are exactly the same. They couldn't be more mine. Sorry, I guess that was a bit of a tangent, but it seemed like it fit here a little:)
4. I just wanted to know if it was hard to keep in contact with the birth family. Did you cut ties? If so how long after the adoption did you do it? When we adopted our kids our family got much bigger, and that doesn't just mean Ethan and Adia. We have an entire other family that came along with them. We love them and care about them, and keep in touch with them. We call them and write to them, and even visit them whenever we are in California. We owe them a lot. They gave us a gift that we wouldn't have had if not for them. And it wasn't easy for them. It was a really hard choice to make, one that took a lot of prayer and soul searching. In the end they did the thing that they knew was best for the kids. It wasn't the easiest choice, or the funnest choice, but every day I try my hardest to make sure that they always feel it was the right choice. I will always love that part of our family. They mean so much to me. Their selflessness literally made my life what it is today, and I will never be able to express my appreciation and love for them enough. That being said, it is a relationship, and like all relationships it takes work. Yes, sometimes it is hard to keep in contact with them, but it is totally worth it. As long as it remains a positive thing for our kids we will always keep in contact with them. I will love them for the rest of my life.
5. I have an open adoption but the birth mom really has kinda pulled back from me and I really want to keep our adoption open, so what can I do to tell her my feelings? Or should I just let nature take its course? I would hate to lose her and not have her be a part of her own sons life? This is a hard question to answer. I can't tell you what to do, not really knowing the situation or the birth mom. I do know that sometimes a birth mom needs a little space in order to heal and move on. I also know that even if she doesn't respond to you or tell you how she feels, many birth moms really love and even need to hear from you. So my advice would be this. If you really want a relationship with her, and think that it would benefit your son you should keep trying. Send her letters, call her sometimes. let her know that you think about her and that you appreciate her, and when the time is right for her I think she will let you know.
6. I have been searching for different agencies here in Utah to try and talk to someone about adoption. What agency would you recommend? There are endless options when it comes to choosing an agency. The only ones I have personal knowledge about in the state of Utah is the foster care system and LDSFS. I know other people who have used other agencies and either loved or hated them, and I could put you in contact with those people if you would like, but I don't feel comfortable recommending one over another without having any personal knowledge of them. I can tell you a little about the agencies we used though. The foster care system here in Utah seems pretty good about trying to find a good fit. They want to make placements that are going to last, and end in an actual adoption. They seem to put quite a bit of thought into what is right for the child as well as the family. That is a great thing, as I know from experience that all states aren't so worried about happy families. They can also be a little colder than a regular agency because they are government run and not as touchy-feely. LDSFS is great. They are very affordable and offer counseling, which I think is very important. I like the idea behind the way they operate, though it doesn't always run as smoothly as they would like it to. There is sometimes a long wait if you just leave the matching up to the agency, but if you take an active roll in the finding process, it can be a pretty short wait. All in all I am very pleased with both.
7. Also How did you and Troy know that Adoption was right for you? When we first found out that we had fertility problems we looked into all options. We always knew that adoption was something we would do eventually, but we weren't sure if that was where we should start. We really just got a lot of information. We looked at the pros and cons of each option, and prayed a lot about it, and eventually all of the options fell away until it was clear that adoption was our option. For some people the choices aren't so cut and dry, and it takes a long time to decide what to do. Often, they don't even decide on one option, they set to work on a few different things, and the way that is supposed to work will eventually show itself. The main thing is keep praying, and when you feel right about something go with it, don't second guess.
8.If you could change anything would you and what would it be? That is a tough question. I would certainly be ore educated about adoption before we started. When we found out about Ethan we kind of plunged in head first. You know in question one where I tell you the steps that you take to adopt? We didn't do it that way at all. We found Ethan first, decided to adopt, and then completed the home study (Actually, don't tell anyone, but the kids were even placed with us before we had the home study completely finished- it isn't supposed to happen that way, but because of the situation we snuck through the system.) I don't recommend that way at all. We had no idea what we were doing most of the time, and our heart could have been spared some pain more than once if we had known how things worked ahead of time. Instead we had to teach ourselves a lot, and it wasn't until AFTER our adoption finalized that I learned the real way things are supposed to go. So I would change that. Part of me also wants to say that I would make it easier. When you adopt there are so many legal hoops you have to jump through. People have to interview you and analyze your marriage, your relationships, your income, your history, your family, your home, everything. You have to have a background check. You have to have letters of recommendation, it is a huge process. Anybody else who wants a baby can just go out and get pregnant, and they are parents. They can be 13 years old, they can be on drugs, they can be mentally unstable, they can live on the streets, they don't have to be married or in a stable relationship, they can be criminals- anyone else can just become parents whenever they want, it doesn't always seem fair. Also, as we were trying to adopt from foster care through another state, and also work with LDSFS in both states a lot of the laws are different, and it's hard to know which ones to follow. I would love it if there were set rules that everyone had to follow. But while part of me wants to say those things the other part of me knows that it is that way for a reason. All of the hoops you have to jump through make it so that these kids are safe. The laws are in place because they need to be, and I'm happy that it is that way, I wouldn't change it.
9.It seems confusing to me that the government pays people monthly to take care of foster children, yet when someone wants to adopt one of these children, and take them out of the foster system, You have to pay so much money to adopt them. Shouldn't they make it easier to get these children homes since once they have homes that is money they won't be paying each month to take care of them? I just don't see why they have to make it so difficult. Yes, they should make it easier to get these children homes. I agree. The price you pay for adoption depends on who you adopt through. In many cases the money that you pay goes to pay for the needs of the birth mother like housing, medical bills, food, counseling. Those are pretty important things, and I don't mind paying for them. But you are right. Adoption does cost a lot of money and much of that doesn't make sense. However, your question is mostly geared toward foster children, and to adopt through the foster system it is nearly free. It would make more sense to process foster care adoptions faster, it would make sense to change quite a few laws in order to make adoption easier. It is one of those things that frustrate me all the time, not just for myself, but for everyone involved. But I have to believe that most of the laws are in place in order to make it the best for everyone involved. You can't make everyone happy all the time. There has to be a little give and take, and not everything can be fair. In order to do what's best for the child sometimes you have to suffer a little. In order to assure that the birth family is given all of the rights that they deserve a few of your rights have to be taken away, and the same is true from the opposite end. I do think that things could be improved a lot, but I don't think that it can ever be a situation where everyone is happy all the time. It will always be hard for someone.
10. How's the book coming? I had it nearly finished at one point. But unfortunately when my computer crashed this summer I lost most of what I had been working on. (That's the importance of backing up people) So I'm working on it, but It isn't going to be finished for a long time. Don't hold your breath:)
11. What do the kids think about being adopted? I don't think they really care. They know about it, they know what it means, but it doesn't define them. They aren't adopted, they WERE adopted. It is part of their story, but it isn't WHO they are. Some kids grow in their mom's bellie, some kids grow in someone else's and then go to live with their parents. They did the latter, it isn't a big deal. That might change as they get older, but I hope not. I hope that it makes them proud of who they are, but that they don't let it become who they are. I hope that makes sense.
12. What is your favorite part of your adoption story? That is much to hard to answer. I love a lot of things about it. I hate a lot of things about it too, but to pick one favorite part is impossible. Of course the fact that I have kids now is the most important part, and I love that. But aside from that I love what it did in my spiritual life. I love that I can believe in miracles now because I truly saw them in my life on a daily basis. I love that I have a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father. I love that I have a stronger testimony of prayer and fasting and the priesthood. I love what it did to my faith. That is probably my favorite part.
13. Will you ever adopt again? Yes (Please don't pass out Mom!) After the last time we swore we would never adopt again. We were happy with where we were, and that was that. But this spring some things changed and Heavenly Father told us that we weren't finished yet. So we are beginning with the steps to get our home study. Exciting and scary all at once!
Well, that's it. Thanks everyone for participating. It was fun to hear your questions. I hope that my answers made sense. Please be thinking of questions for next year:) Now on to the truly important part, the winner... Drawn at random by the names in the bucket method... Chosen by Adia (Because she is too cute to get mad at if you don't win:)... The winner is...
Now on to the questions...
#1 What is the process that you have to go through? Well, first of all you have to make the decision to adopt. That might be the hardest step. I know it was for us. We knew that adoption was the path that we needed to take, but actually taking the steps took us several months. It seemed like such a hard process that we were afraid to get started. But once you make the choice to adopt there are some choices that you need to make. You need to decide what kind of adoption you are going to do international, domestic, private, foster-to-adopt, what agency you are going to go with, if you are going through an agency, etc. But I think what you are asking mostly is this: The simplified version. First, You need a home study. This is where you fill out background checks, get references, fill out paperwork about you, your family, your background, your preferences, and a million other things. Seriously, it is a lot of work. You also have to have a home inspection where a social worker checks things out and makes sure it is a safe place for a child. Also, if you are going to foster you need to get certified in CPR and First Aid, and take classes - you have to get so many education hours to do foster care, or adopt through the foster system. Once all of that is finished you start the "finding" stage. What this requires depends on what type of adoption you are doing. You can have an agency match you, you can find for yourself (Through blogs, placing ads, "advertising" at doctor's offices, sending out pass along cards, asking your family and friends to spread the word, the possibilities are endless here) you can work with social workers who can help you find a match, you can post a profile and wait to be chosen. I suggest use every option available. Don't just sit around and wait for something to happen, go out there and find your child. Once you are matched with a child and they are placed with you there is a waiting period. The length of that period depends on a few things such as the laws of the state you live in, and relinquishment of parental rights. For example, if you live in Utah you must wait for at least six months after placement. Then if there aren't any other legal hang ups you can then finalize. That waiting period is different in each state. Also if there are any legal problems it could take longer. (for example with our adoption the judge kept delaying the termination of parental rights and the parents contested it, so it was fourteen months after placement before we could finalize instead of six.) Once the waiting period is over you can them finalize that means that you go to court and you have to be sworn in and promise to be a good parent and love the child like your own, it's pretty cool. Then the child's name is legally changed, and they are yours! After that any religious ordinances can then be done- like blessings, sealings, baptisms, etc. So that's the simplified version of the process. I hope that makes sense. If anyone is interested in more specifics of a certain part, or have any questions please email me.
2.I know women who can have babies of their own without problem, but think adoption is the easier. My sister has 2 children and had a stillborn last year. Because she is so afraid of repeating that she thinks that adoption would be the easier way. So she is looking into that despite the fact she can have babies of her own--the stillborn was unrelated to anything associated with her health. I wondered how you felt about these situations considering you have experienced the pain on the other end. What would you say to these women? I would say "bless you". Bless anyone who wants to adopt. I don't care if they have ten biological kids, if they can take care of and love another one, please, please adopt. Adoption is for everyone, not just those who struggle with infertility. It can bless all lives, and there are many, many reasons to adopt. Also, there are literally hundreds of thousands of kids who are up for adoption right now in the United States alone, so I am not worried about someone who can have biological children "gettin' in my turf". There are plenty of children to go around so if they have extra love to give I truly wish them luck.
However I must say that if these women truly believe that adoption is going to be easier they are sadly mistaken. I can't even begin to imagine the pain and heart ache of carrying a child for several months only to lose it. That would be such a hard thing and I don't know how I could endure it. But I knew Ethan for 19 months, he had been living with me for over a year, and I loved him so much, and still three days before we were to go to California to finalize we were told that the judge was going to give him back to his birth family. While I didn't carry him in my body he was in my heart. He was MY son. He belonged with me, and I very nearly lost him. In fact during our adoption process I was told that Ethan would be mine only to be told that he wouldn't be mine NINE times. That is nine times that my heart was broken. Nine times that I wondered how I could go on living. Nine times that my world crumbled. It was far from easy. I realize that my story is the extreme, and many many adoptions are easy. Adoption is a wonderful thing and I don't say any of this to discourage anyone or scare them away. That is not my intent at all. Nor do I want to minimize the pain your sister is feeling. I just want to say that sometimes people change their minds, sometimes Heavenly Father has different ideas than we do, and sometimes adoption is NOT easy.
3. Why can't you guys have babies? Well, if you ask my daughter it is because I have bad gas. (Although, I know people who have way worse gas than I do, and they are baby making machines--LEVI, so I'm not sure I agree with her;) Really, the actual causes are one of the few things that we are actually private about, so I'm not going to go into great details for the world to know. I did say that nothing is off limits though, and I am happy to share a little without giving the graphic details. I have a genetic condition that basically makes it difficult to conceive. Troy has seizures, and his medication makes it hard to conceive, and the longer he is on it the harder it is to conceive. So it's not impossible, it's just unlikely that we will ever get pregnant. We could have waited around to see what would happen, but our kids were in a hurry to join our family (Ethan was in such a hurry that he was born 4 months before we were married) that they wouldn't wait for our bodies to figure things out. I have a belief, and it isn't just because of infertility, I believed it long before I even tried to have kids. I believe that we already picked our families before we came to earth. I already have kids that were always supposed to by mine. It doesn't matter how that happens, whether biologically, through a crazy misplaced memo from a social worker, or if they are left on my front porch by the stork, we will find a way to each other because we belong together. If you know my kids and know me then you KNOW that we belong to each other. We are exactly the same. They couldn't be more mine. Sorry, I guess that was a bit of a tangent, but it seemed like it fit here a little:)
4. I just wanted to know if it was hard to keep in contact with the birth family. Did you cut ties? If so how long after the adoption did you do it? When we adopted our kids our family got much bigger, and that doesn't just mean Ethan and Adia. We have an entire other family that came along with them. We love them and care about them, and keep in touch with them. We call them and write to them, and even visit them whenever we are in California. We owe them a lot. They gave us a gift that we wouldn't have had if not for them. And it wasn't easy for them. It was a really hard choice to make, one that took a lot of prayer and soul searching. In the end they did the thing that they knew was best for the kids. It wasn't the easiest choice, or the funnest choice, but every day I try my hardest to make sure that they always feel it was the right choice. I will always love that part of our family. They mean so much to me. Their selflessness literally made my life what it is today, and I will never be able to express my appreciation and love for them enough. That being said, it is a relationship, and like all relationships it takes work. Yes, sometimes it is hard to keep in contact with them, but it is totally worth it. As long as it remains a positive thing for our kids we will always keep in contact with them. I will love them for the rest of my life.
5. I have an open adoption but the birth mom really has kinda pulled back from me and I really want to keep our adoption open, so what can I do to tell her my feelings? Or should I just let nature take its course? I would hate to lose her and not have her be a part of her own sons life? This is a hard question to answer. I can't tell you what to do, not really knowing the situation or the birth mom. I do know that sometimes a birth mom needs a little space in order to heal and move on. I also know that even if she doesn't respond to you or tell you how she feels, many birth moms really love and even need to hear from you. So my advice would be this. If you really want a relationship with her, and think that it would benefit your son you should keep trying. Send her letters, call her sometimes. let her know that you think about her and that you appreciate her, and when the time is right for her I think she will let you know.
6. I have been searching for different agencies here in Utah to try and talk to someone about adoption. What agency would you recommend? There are endless options when it comes to choosing an agency. The only ones I have personal knowledge about in the state of Utah is the foster care system and LDSFS. I know other people who have used other agencies and either loved or hated them, and I could put you in contact with those people if you would like, but I don't feel comfortable recommending one over another without having any personal knowledge of them. I can tell you a little about the agencies we used though. The foster care system here in Utah seems pretty good about trying to find a good fit. They want to make placements that are going to last, and end in an actual adoption. They seem to put quite a bit of thought into what is right for the child as well as the family. That is a great thing, as I know from experience that all states aren't so worried about happy families. They can also be a little colder than a regular agency because they are government run and not as touchy-feely. LDSFS is great. They are very affordable and offer counseling, which I think is very important. I like the idea behind the way they operate, though it doesn't always run as smoothly as they would like it to. There is sometimes a long wait if you just leave the matching up to the agency, but if you take an active roll in the finding process, it can be a pretty short wait. All in all I am very pleased with both.
7. Also How did you and Troy know that Adoption was right for you? When we first found out that we had fertility problems we looked into all options. We always knew that adoption was something we would do eventually, but we weren't sure if that was where we should start. We really just got a lot of information. We looked at the pros and cons of each option, and prayed a lot about it, and eventually all of the options fell away until it was clear that adoption was our option. For some people the choices aren't so cut and dry, and it takes a long time to decide what to do. Often, they don't even decide on one option, they set to work on a few different things, and the way that is supposed to work will eventually show itself. The main thing is keep praying, and when you feel right about something go with it, don't second guess.
8.If you could change anything would you and what would it be? That is a tough question. I would certainly be ore educated about adoption before we started. When we found out about Ethan we kind of plunged in head first. You know in question one where I tell you the steps that you take to adopt? We didn't do it that way at all. We found Ethan first, decided to adopt, and then completed the home study (Actually, don't tell anyone, but the kids were even placed with us before we had the home study completely finished- it isn't supposed to happen that way, but because of the situation we snuck through the system.) I don't recommend that way at all. We had no idea what we were doing most of the time, and our heart could have been spared some pain more than once if we had known how things worked ahead of time. Instead we had to teach ourselves a lot, and it wasn't until AFTER our adoption finalized that I learned the real way things are supposed to go. So I would change that. Part of me also wants to say that I would make it easier. When you adopt there are so many legal hoops you have to jump through. People have to interview you and analyze your marriage, your relationships, your income, your history, your family, your home, everything. You have to have a background check. You have to have letters of recommendation, it is a huge process. Anybody else who wants a baby can just go out and get pregnant, and they are parents. They can be 13 years old, they can be on drugs, they can be mentally unstable, they can live on the streets, they don't have to be married or in a stable relationship, they can be criminals- anyone else can just become parents whenever they want, it doesn't always seem fair. Also, as we were trying to adopt from foster care through another state, and also work with LDSFS in both states a lot of the laws are different, and it's hard to know which ones to follow. I would love it if there were set rules that everyone had to follow. But while part of me wants to say those things the other part of me knows that it is that way for a reason. All of the hoops you have to jump through make it so that these kids are safe. The laws are in place because they need to be, and I'm happy that it is that way, I wouldn't change it.
9.It seems confusing to me that the government pays people monthly to take care of foster children, yet when someone wants to adopt one of these children, and take them out of the foster system, You have to pay so much money to adopt them. Shouldn't they make it easier to get these children homes since once they have homes that is money they won't be paying each month to take care of them? I just don't see why they have to make it so difficult. Yes, they should make it easier to get these children homes. I agree. The price you pay for adoption depends on who you adopt through. In many cases the money that you pay goes to pay for the needs of the birth mother like housing, medical bills, food, counseling. Those are pretty important things, and I don't mind paying for them. But you are right. Adoption does cost a lot of money and much of that doesn't make sense. However, your question is mostly geared toward foster children, and to adopt through the foster system it is nearly free. It would make more sense to process foster care adoptions faster, it would make sense to change quite a few laws in order to make adoption easier. It is one of those things that frustrate me all the time, not just for myself, but for everyone involved. But I have to believe that most of the laws are in place in order to make it the best for everyone involved. You can't make everyone happy all the time. There has to be a little give and take, and not everything can be fair. In order to do what's best for the child sometimes you have to suffer a little. In order to assure that the birth family is given all of the rights that they deserve a few of your rights have to be taken away, and the same is true from the opposite end. I do think that things could be improved a lot, but I don't think that it can ever be a situation where everyone is happy all the time. It will always be hard for someone.
10. How's the book coming? I had it nearly finished at one point. But unfortunately when my computer crashed this summer I lost most of what I had been working on. (That's the importance of backing up people) So I'm working on it, but It isn't going to be finished for a long time. Don't hold your breath:)
11. What do the kids think about being adopted? I don't think they really care. They know about it, they know what it means, but it doesn't define them. They aren't adopted, they WERE adopted. It is part of their story, but it isn't WHO they are. Some kids grow in their mom's bellie, some kids grow in someone else's and then go to live with their parents. They did the latter, it isn't a big deal. That might change as they get older, but I hope not. I hope that it makes them proud of who they are, but that they don't let it become who they are. I hope that makes sense.
12. What is your favorite part of your adoption story? That is much to hard to answer. I love a lot of things about it. I hate a lot of things about it too, but to pick one favorite part is impossible. Of course the fact that I have kids now is the most important part, and I love that. But aside from that I love what it did in my spiritual life. I love that I can believe in miracles now because I truly saw them in my life on a daily basis. I love that I have a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father. I love that I have a stronger testimony of prayer and fasting and the priesthood. I love what it did to my faith. That is probably my favorite part.
13. Will you ever adopt again? Yes (Please don't pass out Mom!) After the last time we swore we would never adopt again. We were happy with where we were, and that was that. But this spring some things changed and Heavenly Father told us that we weren't finished yet. So we are beginning with the steps to get our home study. Exciting and scary all at once!
Well, that's it. Thanks everyone for participating. It was fun to hear your questions. I hope that my answers made sense. Please be thinking of questions for next year:) Now on to the truly important part, the winner... Drawn at random by the names in the bucket method... Chosen by Adia (Because she is too cute to get mad at if you don't win:)... The winner is...
CarolBeth!
And here's what you will win...
A necklace of your choice from R House Couture!
As I have posted about before, my friend Lindsey is selling jewelry and darling adoption shirts in order to earn money for her adoption. I thought it would be fun to use this contest to help her out. This way YOU become part of baby Gavin's adoption story! How exciting! So go HERE check out what she has, and let me know what you want (She also does customizing, so if you don't find any of the wording that speaks to you she can make you something unique)
Even if you didn't win click on over and check out her beautiful stuff. You will fall in love.
Thanks for playing!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Time's Almost Up!
The hours are slipping away! Don't forget that tonight (Friday) at midnight is the deadline to enter the contest! Go here to learn more!
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